Lived Experience Forum

[Nin]

Hello everyone, 

This is my first time contributing.

I am what may be known as a high functioning depressed human. That means I get up and go to work every day (I work full time) I care for my teenage son and run a household, you know the usual stuff cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. I used to be able to bottle up my feelings of depression and let it out when I had a moment to myself, usually locked in my bathroom or late at night once my son was in bed. I can't take medication, after trying every anti-depressant and anti-psychotic available with no relief, I've had to tackle the black dog with strategies and mind control only.

The past 2 weeks have been impossible for me to hide my feelings. I cried at work to my boss! Never ever do I cry at work! I'm now seeing my doctor and moving to a psychologist when my doctor goes on holidays. I hate seeing a psychologist. I hate feeling like everyone would be better off without me. I know that I desperately need the help but I'm so reluctant to get it. I just think I should be able to get through this, as I have every other time, on my own. Sadly, I know that I can't get through it or I would've been over it by now. 

I just hate this whole process. I've been tackling depression for the last 20 years and I'm sick and tired of it. I know I'll get through this, as I normally do, but I'm tired of having this fight every few months, it lasts for months, I get relief for a couple of months then I'm down again. This cycle is wearing me down and I'm just so tired.

[Mosaic]

Hi @Nin firstly welcome to the Forums and thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been working very very hard over the years to manage things on your own, without reaching out for support. Obviously the moment you dared to be vulnerable and and open up to your boss was a big thing for you. While you might feel embarrassed, I think that's your bravest moment yet in all of this. Humbling yourself and reaching out is never a sign of weakness and it shouldn't make you feel ashamed. After 20 years of suffering alone... I'm sure that wasn't easy to do that. But if you want your life to be different, you've got to do something different - right? What an important first step, one that has opened the door to more help. I applaud you for going to the GP. It sounds like you feel more comfortable speaking to them than a psychologist. Can I ask, have you seen a psychologist before? What is it that puts you off?

I truly believe noone deserves to suffer and stuggle alone. I am so glad you found these Forums, I hope you can meet many new friends here. Welcome again! 🙂

[Nin]

Hi Mosaic, I was first diagnosed with depression in my teens and have tried all medications and not felt any relief. I've seen psychologists in the past and have never felt understood. I've had pretty terrible experiences with psychologists and counsellors so it's easier to just try the strategies I have to get through it. Unfortunately, those strategies are not working any more. I wasn't expecting to cry to my boss, it just happened and it scared me enough to make me book an appointment with my doctor.
I'm just so over feeling like this. I do hope that I can connect with other people on this forum. I've never done anything like this before so I hope I'm using the forum correctly and can make some friends! Thank you so much for replying to me 🙂

[CherryBomb]

Welcome the Forums @Nin!

I just wanted to point out that we got the Friday Feast on tonight. It's our virtual weekly together. It's a great opportunity to come and hang out and mingle with other Forums members. It'll start at about 7.

I hope you can make it!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Nin

welcome to the forum and I am sorry to hear you have been struggling so long on your own. I understand how you feel and how frustrating it must be for you.

My walls started crumbling about a year ago and after keeping a brave face all my life, it is still extremely hard to share how I feel with anyone. I constantly feel like I am losing it. The debates in my head make me tired too, so does keeping a brave face while the inner war rages. Mostly I am still a functioning human, I do have to admit that the "highly functioning" is not there at the moment.

Why do you hate seeing a psychologist? Why do you feel better with your doctor - is that your GP? I frequently hate seeing my psychologist / psychiatrist and I tell my GP how they are hurting me and leaving me in a mess. I like my GP because he does not hurt me. Sometimes I like seeing them and I am proud of some of the progress I make, and then it all goes pear shaped again. They don't hurt me. They are not the ones that have inflicted the wounds - but sometimes they open them, but more often I open them myself when I feel all strong and ready to tackle the past. And then I'm in a mess again.

I don't know why you're depressed and I don't know if the process of therapy will be worth it - I just know it is not easy. I battled taking medication for a long time and we are still "experimenting" - when was the last time you tried medication and was it offered by your GP or psychiatrist? I found that a psychiatrist is really important to manage my medication and I know that there are new types of medication developing all the time.

Take good care of yourself @Nin

[Nin]

Hi @Former-Member, I'm sorry to hear that your walls are crumbling. I can relate completely. I guess I was 'high functioning' for a long time until about 2 weeks ago when I just couldn't hold it together anymore. Now I'm just a mess. I have a teenage son, a dog and a good job to keep me here but I still feel like I'm drowning. I just hate who I am and I'm finding it so hard. I feel like a failure in every sense.
I last tried medication about 2 years ago but it always makes me aggressive, angry and risk taking. That was after 16 or so years of trying various medications and talking therapies, on and off. My doctor is a GP and thinks that because I've been strong enough to tackle this in the past, and that I've been much, much worse, so I should be able to get through this with therapy only. He hasn't referred me to a psychiatrist, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm so anti meds? But I don't really know.
I find that I'm very guarded with psychologists. My first experience with one was when I was in my late teens and she told my mum what we had talked about! It caused so many extra problems. Things were never right for me with any other psychologist. It might just be me. I might hold back on things because I'm scared of how they will react. I don't really know, I just hate it. My doctor thinks it's because I know all of the strategies, etc and so I kind of see it as a waste of time.
Thank you for reaching out to me @Former-Member. Look after yourself 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi Nin,<br><br>Remember you have been strong enough before and keep your fighting spirit up! It sounds like you have tried for a long time to get to the bottom of this - I'm so sorry that it hasn't helped- well I guess it has as both you and I are now here, still here :)<br><br>I am against meds and was very opposed to my GP giving me meds - what does he know? I like my GP, don't get me wrong and he is really good, but I grew up in a country where I went to your GP for the flu, but if I hurt my foot, I'd go to a specialist. So for me the concept here does not work. My GP is keeping things together for me.<br><br>Have you tried talking to a new psychologist about what happens to your privacy? I had big concerns in this way and asked every practitioner to explain it to me in detail and I have also asked to read the notes, letters, asked where they are stored, who can see them... I don't do that anymore. I think that worry left me the first time I started to think about suicide seriously. I have so much to live for and there are many reasons why I would not want to leave this place intentionally - and that was when I realised that I need help and that I need to let people in just a bit more. <br><br>I am also quite frank about saying no, when I don't want to talk or explore a subject and I am learning to speak up more for myself in treatment. I talked a lot to ASCA and they explained a lot of what I am feeling to me. <br><br>I also think I know a lot of strategies, but I actually noticed that I don't know myself. It's all facade. I only acknowledged recently that I have a pretty high level of anxiety - something I denied all the time. Well in general I detest all labels that get applied. <br><br>Not sure if any of this is making sense, but I've had a long week doubting everything and rapidly changing emotions.<br><br>Take care and stay warm &amp; dry this weekend (if you live in the rainy areas).

[Nin]

Thanks @Former-Member. We are both strong and I am so glad that I decided to get on to this forum. Now I don't feel like it's just me going crazy!
You do make sense. I think I should be OK to see a psychologist after I raise my concerns and hopefully have them eased by their answers. It's a scary time for me as I hate to be vulnerable but I know that this is where I'm at right now so I've got to work through it.
I do hope that you can have some relief from feeling the way you do. You're right when you say you've got so much to live for, it's hard knowing that but still feeling so low. Anyway, I'm a big believer in 'fake it until you make it' so that's what I'm doing. I've just cleaned my house so things are more organised which always makes me feel better.
It's cold and rainy here. I'm dreading letting my pooch inside because he's all wet but he's crying at the door so I'll have to, eventually!
Stay warm and dry and try to do something that you enjoy. I'm sure that you can get through this. 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hello dear Nin,

A warm welcome to SANE. You were saying that you use to be able to bottle up your emotions/depression, have a silent cry at night and then move on. But now you are unable to do that anymore and find meds uneffective. I was wondering if you have ever opened up to anyone and talked about how you are feeling? As carrying bottled up feelings for too long leads to an overflow where our emotions cannot be contained anymore.

Do you have a caring listening ear where you can pour your heart out to without feeling judged? I think that is important for you and why you felt the need to do this with your boss. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about - we all need this type of emotional support. We are only human. Know that you have that support and a caring unjudgemental ears here should you feel the need to talk more in-depth (such a weight can be lifted by just putting it out there off ones chest 🙂 )

May I ask why you don't feel you are able to talk openly with a psychologist? Do you find it hard to trust?

You were saying that every few months you have an episode that takes months to recover from. Does anything trigger these episodes (any stress, fears, traumas, unresolved painful past memories etc?). Have you had a full medical to rule out any medical issues such as hormonal or thyroid imbalance that can cause depression/anxiety?

Did anything out of the ordinary distress you in the last few weeks that could of caused you to tip over (any prolonged, unaddressed stress/fears?). I hope you don't mind the questions as I am just trying to get a clearer picture of your situation to better be able to support you. I do understand how painful and tiring depression and anxiety can be and I hope to help and support as much as I can - even if just a little to offer a shoulder to lean on and rest. And you aren't crazy by a long shot - so many of us "get you". You aren't alone my friend x

[Kurra]

Hi @Nin

I too am high functioning and this has allowed me to achieve significant success despite severe bipolar states. It has allowed me to perform jazz gigs despite being virtually crippled depression. My colleagues would get all my gear set up and drag me from the mattress in the back of the car so I'd be on stage in time. I'd get through the 3 or 4 hours of performance and my mates would get me back to my car. They kept the keys though. They'd pack up my kit and that's how I survived. I played on automatic. The opening chords would activate the musical part of my brain.
This has been similar in my day job. All I had to do was get to work. Once there I was able to centre my focus and have a relatively productive day.
Being high functioning has also allowed me to take full advantage of my sessions with my psychologist and the rest of my treating team. I worked hard and complied with medication.
My life today is stable and joyful. The hard work has paid off. I will take medication for the remainder of my life and I will also continue working in conjunction with my treating professionals.
I will also remain vigilant for those early warning signs of a switch so that I can respond to my changing needs quickly.

Bipolar came to live with me. It was uninvited so bipolar has to learn to live by my rules.
I refuse to be a victim. Now I succeed despite my bipolar because I'm in the driver's seat.
Good Luck.