Fragile

[tyme]

Hey @Appleblossom ,

Thank you for sharing those tender years with us. I just re-read the post numerous times as it meant a lot for me that you have shared what you shared. 

I can see that life has been a struggle at the best of times and hence the traumas that come with it. Despite this, you have found a way to add a bit of humour and slowly spread your wings again so that you can connect with the world. 

I applaud you for this and really hope to continue connecting with you. 

tyme

[Appleblossom]

@tyme Thank you for your last post, and also remembering me on the Winter Solstice thread, asking to catch up.

I have tried to be very careful about not co-opting other conversations for my own deeper needs.  I also have spoken about it a bit on the forum, as different personalities have different levels of awareness about it and different needs ... and may take over ... or exclude.... its just a thought ...

Honestly, I am not that well in the depths of my soul.  There are bullying personalities that get away with a lot, by pushing self righteous BS in the public sphere.  I am very sad and despairing, but still paddling.

So I have to allow life to be socially skimming along on a superficial level.  Its all too hard for people with easy lives to fully listen to long enough for them to comprehend.  At least you have known me for nearly 10 years, so you know how things add up a bit.

 I am learning subtler assertive skills, but not really liking this world, although I am very disciplined about doing the right mental health things, and I do appreciate any genuine goodness. 

I cannot see myself wanting to give some aged corporation lots of money so wont want to preserve my life at all costs.  I will probably "choose" to leave at some point, but it wont be a freewill choice, it will be one made under duress of a lot of coercive control, power games, and decades of my steady dedication and labour to avert bad outcomes.

In my family of creation, I could not even speak to my own children in peace and relaxed quiet.  I had to contrive situations to even have a few words of interaction.  Eg when I could tell my daughter, for 5 minutes, that she had secured a place in a good select entry high school.  I am so tired of being verbally bulldozed and really valued talking with my fingers through the keyboard.... in both computer qwerty ... style or piano keys ... LOL.  There we go some humour.

 I do prefer some nuance in discussion.  

Thanks for asking me.  Sorry if I am being too direct.

[Edited]

[tyme]

Hi @Appleblossom ,

Thank you for sharing.

I hear the incessant trauma you've been put through whether it be your own family or by others. As I've followed your journey over the years, I'm mindful that people have misunderstood you when you share your perspective, but I recognise that only you know the depths of pain you have experienced over the years, so that even as you share, you are sharing a 'numbed' version of events.

For you to come onto the forums each day to support others, and to add your touch of humour even to the most difficult situations, it is truly inspirational. 

You have pushed through to be who you are today. You have fought many battles and I'm sure you have the battle wounds to show it. 

Whilst I am not suicidal, I totally hear you when you talk about not preserving your life. After all, I'm not sure I want to be here longer than I have to either! 

Life is such an enigma. I don't even try to understand it anymore.

But each day, I contine to reach out to others with gratitude, knowing that my life is not my own. 

Hang in there @Appleblossom , as hard as it may be. 

Each person will get what they deserve (the good and the bad).

Once again, thank you for tagging me here. I have subscribed to this thread now 🙂

[Shaz51]

❤️❤️ @Appleblossom 

[Appleblossom]

Thank you very much @tyme @Shaz51 

I certainly dont want to cause harm.

I do try. 

Been called a TryHard once, by a daughter's friend!  Maybe I can take that as a compliment now.

Can only be me. 

I keep trying to renew and replenish my spirit, but also need to take stock.

[tyme]

Whilst being alone has a lot of benefits, we sometimes need each other so help us each replenish our spirits 🙂 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 

[AlwaysMyself]

Sending you hugs @Appleblossom . I don’t have much capacity for words right now. But I hear you. And I don’t think you are too direct in your post.

[Appleblossom]

Actually I have had a little shift in some social environments last Sunday.  @tyme @AuntGlow @Dimity @Shaz51 @AlwaysMyself 

It finally feels like I am being respected in my church. 2 retired ministers and an arty/practical girlfriend helped me tthrough the first few years.   It was hard work, I had to learn to be more upbeat and cheerful than I was used to, maybe to overcome stigma.  I did mention I was on NDIS and heard about gold plated toilet seats etc ... anyway the old guard seem to have turned around and are treating me better.  I dont want much, just a bit of respect and fellowship and the RIGHT to be real and not have too many parts of my life or history.   I had a good morning yeserday.

Today, I began doing my Comedy homework, to deliberately help shift my rumination about other interpersonal challenges.  Not sure I will be funny, but it did help change my mindset.

[Dimity]

@Appleblossom I remember reading Koestler on comedy. The juxtaposition and intersection of 2 previously incompatible frames of reference, with sudden relief of tension in the haha response. Hannah Gadsby has a different theory. 

Strange bedfellows. Koestler now known as abuser, Gadsby discriminated against. 

Some great comedians had a ruff time. 

Thanks for your kind remarks on my thread, I didn't do them justice in my reply there. I sense at times sympathetic vibrations similar to the musical sense, some sort of resonance despite our differences. 

@AuntGlow might have a good ear for them too.

[Appleblossom]

that Koestler approach was suggested as a technique in our workshop @Dimity found an article about him and Bergson, which I will look at.

I haven't watched Hannah G for a while, but really enjoyed her in the lead up to Nanette.  Will look at her a bit again.  Not sure it will make me funny, but might help my personal growth and broaden my mindset.