Lived Experience Forum

[Grace01]

So thanks to Mazarita for encouraging me to come to this side of the forums.

I know diagnoses cannot be made here but I wanted to share what has been going for my husband.  He separated from me 7 weeks ago, quite unexpectedly. He told me to check the washing outside and when I came back he had gone!!  I phoned him and he told me he couldn't do marriage anymore and wanted to be selfish and fulfill his dreams. He is the world's least selfish person. We have had a lot of grief and loss in our lives (my mum passed away October 2015) .  Long story short, he has started a new life with possibly planning in March 2016 without me knowing. He is a rather "excitable person" who took up art in 2003 and he is brilliant artist. He is always a dreamer with big plans, plenty of energy, eats fast, talks fast, walks fast....and doesn't need a lot of sleep!  Everything I am not!!  Sometimes starts projects and doesn't finish them and sometimes goes into big plan that don't do so well.  Has had some minor depression(nothing serious) Had a great job and is a terrific worker. Works at one hundred miles an hour.

Put on a lot of weight(possibly due to overeating) but started exercising like crazy this year. He was running excessively and weighing himself constantly. Concrned about appearance as well and bald spot(shaved his head) I guess typical MID LIFE crisis stuff. But one morning woke early to run and saw something happening in our street and phoned crimestoppers thinking neighbours had been murdered..

IN March he went on dating site(has not told me but I found it in on computer) and met a lady in another country. Went to meet up with her in April(It was my birthday). Stayed overseas for five days. Came back(he is currently living with his mum who has some major mental health issues).

Quit his long-standing job, took out lots of loans/credit cards, gambling again,and has gone to Japan in hope of starting a new life.  Told me I had been a good wife and he gave me a rating of 97percent.

Doesn't seem to have any concept or understanding of what i am going through and an expectancy for me to accept all of this (with ease). Became irritable over last few weeks. WE had a good marriage, we are good friends..of course, we have the ups and downa like others have.  He always wanted to travel and I was apprehensive about flying. So it looks like he has had to find someone else in another country. He has been applying for any type of job online (in Japan) and gets desperate and frustrated when they don't accept him because he can't speak Japanese or have any type of visa yet.  He replies to their rejections with a photograph of himself or his new partner.

He sent emails to family members and people at work to tell them he has a new partner. when people looked up to him and our marriage of nearly 18 years. We were always respected.

Shaved his head, grew a beard as well.  i also noticed he was receiving photos from a girl he worked with.   I have not seen this side of my husband before.  He isn't particularly flirty but when I had the garage sales for my mum, he was interested in talking with some of the young women and i caught him trying to sell my mum's house to some people.  Very jumpy and agitated at the time.

Never ever dreamed he would do something so spontaneous and erratic...although I know people going through mid-life crisis can do things like this

He told me he was going to Japan to paint but didn't mention the girl. He said he had picked two countries - it was either France or Japan and looked like Japan won as he said it was too dangerous to go to France.

It appears that he does plan a lot and thinks about things intensely..and often obsessional.

His mum had many many relationships in her lifetime so maybe this is a learnt thing.

We are both christians and we hold to our marriage vows but it seems like these are not imporant now. My husband blames me for a lot of things that have caused him to do this.

He did this last year..he told me he was going to work, kissed me goodbye but he was on holidays and driving to another town. He sent me a series of text messages and emails with instructions in what I had to do. He went through a lot of money but came back when I persuaded him to do so.

This may be just a man wanting to start a new life, but it seems he doesnt have any care for the home we have put together, his garden, his vegetables and his

[Mazarita]

Hi @Grace01,

Welcome to this part of the forum. Glad you've made it over here. I think when you say that your husband has possible 'BPD', you mean bipolar disorder, which we were discussing on the Carer's Forum. 

The reason I invited you here is that I am concerned above all with your own wellbeing in this situation, as you go through this trauma with your husband's current condition and behaviour.

I'm hoping that some people here, like @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope and others might be able to join me in helping to support you through this time of abandonment, so as to avoid you falling too hard into your grief alone.

Please feel free to describe how you are feeling so that we can understand more of what you are going through inside yourself. Most of us here believe it is helpful to talk out our feelings and we try to do our best to support each other through our struggles.

You sound so very caring of your husband and it does sound like he may be having a bipolar episode. But this is about you now, and how you are coping with it all.

Sending you kindest wishes in this very hard time in your life. 

[eth]

Welcome @Grace01  I agree with all that @Mazarita said and am also happy to give you an ear and some support.  I have bipolar 1 myself and it really does sound like your husband might too.  Such difficult times for you.  I am glad to hear you say you are still friends with him and you seem to be doing a good job of staying up to date with what he is doing.  I really feel for you.

[theaveragejoe]

HI there Grace01,

Both my wife and I have Bipolar Disorder and yet we have never cheated on each other after many years of being married. It is true that for some people that suffer with the disorder, Bipolar can lead to indiscriminate sex, but not for all. 

In my case, if it was me, I could not live with a partner that cheats. And, most important to remember, you cannot help someone that does not want help.

A relationship that lacks honesty and transparency is not a healthy relationship. It is important to not lose your self esteem.

[Grace01]

Thanks very much for allowing me to express myself. And thank you for expressing your views on this matter.

.  

I realise, after 7 weeks, that I cannot and will not tolerate this behaviour.

I had somethng very scary happen to me yesterday.  I had quite a bad panic attack and couldn't speak for at least two hours.  The words came out as a "stutter" and I had to have an ambulance call.  All my obs were ok.  But i will still get it checked out.".

I think, because my husband isn't medicated and possibly worsening but he wouldn't go to dr and I can't make him.

I guess the shock for me is realising that he has a mental illness.  I always thought this was his personality.

How do I feel?  I feel deceived, anxious, shocked, depressed,fearful, worried, and confused.  I even had wondered if he was attracted to me during "mania: When I met him, he told me virtually straight away he loved me and knew he was going to marry me.  Ugh.  Looking back I had no idea.

I hope he gets the help that is needed.

I am not in a good way mentally but i see two counellers and my Dr always listens.

Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts. 

[eth]

Sending you strength @Grace01.  I'm glad to hear you have counsellors and a doctor supporting you.  I encourage you to really be open with them.  I agree with a lot of what @theaveragejoe said too, about you setting your own boundaries and creating a life where you are respected and where you can trust again.

[Mazarita]

Good morning, @Grace01. Thanks for being so open about how you feel. It is awful, but totally understandable, that you had that panic attack yesterday, given what you are going through. Like @eth, I'm so glad to hear you are receiving some counselling and that your doctor listens too. Keep talking to us and we will keep listening and supporting as we can. Lots of us have experienced panic attacks so know something of what it is like. I had one where I suddenly became completely dizzy like the world was spinning, my vision narrowed to a small tunnel and I thought it was the moment of my death. Luckily I was in a place where there was support close at hand for that one. Thinking of you and sending gentle virtual hugs.

[theaveragejoe]

Not everything can be blamed on the Bipolar Disorder, some parts are still part of personality and upbringing and these are the hardest to change..

[theaveragejoe]

Hi there @Grace01,

originally I had posted a different post from those that are here because I was worried that I may sound too much like and expert and I am not an expert. Reading it back I felt that there are some good things that I wrote so that I will post it again and if the Mods feel that it is inadequate I am happy to take it down. But it should be OK.

Your post has been liked on saneforums!

Both my wife and I have Bipolar Disorder and yet we have never cheated on each other after many years of being married. It is true that for some people that suffer with the disorder, Bipolar can lead to indiscriminate sex, but not for all.

For example, for me sex is not in itself the only thing I need in a partner, there are other things that are important to me and for this reason my wife is enough for me. I am also mature enough to be able to control myself and understand the importance of respecting my wife if I want to remain in the relationship. MUtual respect is important.

Your husband behaviour does seem erratic and, while I am not an expert and cannot give you a professional advice, as a fellow sufferer with Bipolar DIsorder, I can say this as a suggestion for you to further explore. This is what I would do and think if I was to found myself in your shoes, with theknowledge and experience that I have today:

I think that for my own sanity I would want to move away from this very disfunctional relationship based on lies and deceptions, at least temporarily, iuntil I figure out things better with the help of someone that can help me.

True, it may be the untreated bipolar that is affecting my partner , but this is up to my partner to understand and decide if they need and want help or not. If my partner is not honest with me, best thing to do is move on, try to reorganise my life being alone at least in the immediate stages. For if I was to lose your self esteem, that is the worst thing that could happen to me.

As hard as this sounds, this would seem to be the best course of actions for me; but going to a therapist, social worker, or anyone who is qualified to guide me and give me sound advice is what I would seek as a matter of urgency.

What you wrote makes a lot of sense to me: "His mum had many many relationships in her lifetime so maybe this is a learnt thing." Yes children, sons, or daughters do tend to copy their parents' behaviour, whether consciously or subconsciously.

And you write: "My husband blames me for a lot of things that have caused him to do this."

this above is precisely why you should leave him, he has no remorse, no conscinece, no honesty and defends his dishonest actions by blaming you. You cannot help him if he thinks in this way. Set him free and if he gets help and gets better then you can think about a possible relationship with him but at this stage there is no relationship or at least a very disfunctional relationship based on dishonesty and lack of accountability.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Grace01,

I so feel for you and what you are going through. And the support you are receiving on here is just wonderful. The panic attacks you are experiencing is a result of the trauma your husband put you through - I have experienced similar trauma/abandonment but not by a partner. Thankfully mine would never put me through this.

It was good to read in your last post that you are no longer going to tolerate your husbands bad behaviour, then he may start to take some responsibility for his actions rather than blame you to ease his guilt (running away from you initially without facing you about his decision is a sign of "guilt" as well); about the "choices" he has made seeking only what "is good for him solely with a total disregard for your welfare or feelings". Reality is he chose "to sow his wild oats over your relationship". 

He planned his course of action out behind your back for quite awhile and executed it willingly; "not acted out on eradict impulse or mood swings which is typical of MI", that most would regret once settled and attempt to fix if they valued the relationship. That is the big difference from personal choices/liability and the decreased responsibility/liability that mental illness can involve (note "decreased responsibility" with MI - not "no responsibility");  and he is still living his choices out blaming everyone but himself. That's not a mood swing. Thats not mental illness. That's a well planned out course of action to fulfil ones desires made out of free will choices (yes, his mother's lifestyle choices may have influenced this to some degree as he is still close; living with her - and may have aided to condone his actions in his own mind).

You have every right to feel indignant about how you have been disrespectfully treated. It's not on and in my humble opinion "there is no excuse". He made his choice to sow his wild oats and indulge himself and that choice made no room for how his actions would adversely effect you as you have expressed. If excuses are continually made for him my friend it will just draw out your pain making you worse. He was persuaded once by you to give your relationship another go but his desires didn't die and won out over you by choice.

If I were you I would leave him to it and concentrate on my own well being now. Whether we have mental or physical illness it does not take the fact away that we are "our own person" and sometimes that can include integrity or no integrity, a giving caring nature or a totally selfish self centred one which can form the basis of our thoughts and actions. He acted selfishly. Whether a diagnosis of BP is ever made or not does not take away the latter fact.

Acceptance of this fact is so important for you my friend in order for you to be able to grieve, heal and to "move on".

You are the victim my friend - and its you I am concerned for. It's you that needs the help and support to move forward without too many scars. It's "your mental health at risk here now as a result of the trauma/betrayal" - "look after you". Be kind to you and protect yourself from further mental anguish.

As the shock, hurt, pain and subsequential chronic anxiety and trust issues (now created) are remaining for you as a result of "what he did to you selfishly". This is what is important to address and we are here to support you through this. It's a good thing you are receiving counselling and have a caring GP. You must be reeling in hurt, fear and shock.  Do you have children/family/friends to help you through this as well?

Please don't let this effect your self esteem or confidence Grace - it's not your integrity that is in question, please always remember this and keep your head up high. You are worthy of respect, you have value - never accept less, never let anyone take this away from you. Never forget this is not you - not your fault. Look after you now. Sending you warm hugs xx