Lived Experience Forum

[Bafflelaffle]

Hi,

This is my first time reaching out in the forum. I'm hoping to find some comfort from people who have gone through something similar.

I've recently gone through a break up after 2 years of being together and forming a bond with her 2 kids. She reached out to me today to tell me to get my stuff that I left at her house and we ended up messaging each other and it turned into a heated argument and she admitted that she has a lot of resentment toward me which showed up in our conversation.

I care so deeply about her and her kids and I feel like I've lost something. The hate she shows towards me hurts, because all I wanted was for us to be civil and work through the hurt, but instead she ended it because she didn't have the time or energy to work on our relationship.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or comfort or been through something similar? 

Thank you

[RachSANECEO]

welcome to the SANE Forums @Bafflelaffle I'm sure many, many people can relate to that experience. sorry to hear you're having a tough time and good on you for reaching out.

[Crystally]

Oh gee I feel for you, it's got to be very hard. I'm not sure if I have words of wisdom but I have probably been similar to your partner and broken up with someone, quite often it's not about you it's about her. I look back now and think omg I'm so sorry I was a mess from my own trauma that I didn't handle that situation as good as I could have had I had been in a better frame of mind myself.

I hope this makes sense. I've stumbled my way through my life and I didn't know I had undealt with trauma back then. So unfortunately I broke some hearts who didn't necessarily deserve it but I wasn't able to understand until now.
I hope you are ok.

[tyme]

Hey there @Bafflelaffle ,

I'm sorry to hear that it's been so tough for you. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I hear how much you care about her and her children.

It sounds like she has her own trauma to work through and that this is not necessarily your fault at all.

When things settle down, would you consider speaking to her? It may clarify some of the questions you have.

Please know you are not alone. 

[Bafflelaffle]

Hi @Crystally 

I appreciate your perspective and it does bring some comfort to know that sometimes people are going through their own stuff and unhealed wounds. In a way, it helps me find compassion for the journey that she is on. 

thank you

[Bafflelaffle]

Hi @tyme 

Thank you for your kind words. 

She ended up messaging last night to apologise and we left the conversation on amicable grounds. 

I have hope that when the past has healed, there will be an opportunity for us to have a meaningful conversation about everything. 

[tyme]

That sounds so important @Bafflelaffle .

I'm wondering if she is going through something very difficult at the moment and is breaking up so as to protect you (or themselves)? Or, perhaps there's some unresolved fear?

I hope you have the opportunity to work through things in a way that both benefit.

We look forward to hearing how things go for you.

[Bafflelaffle]

@tyme I think there has been fear of abandonment (and anxious attachment) throughout our relationship and one of the main reasons for the break up is because she didn't have energy or space to work on our relationship while also working on herself and being a mum. And she was afraid of being vulnerable with me, because she felt there was a lot at stake (being that kids were involved). There was a point where I mentioned that I kept having these thoughts of breaking up because we were both struggling with burnout and I was at a point where I was feeling depressed and that validly hurt her a lot. We both said that we were going to work on our relationship before our break up, but she had trouble forgiving past hurts and moving forward. 

Thank you. I have hope that things will work out how they're meant to. 

[tyme]

I'm glad she was open and honest. At least that clarifies things on your part. It sounds like she knows she's got a lot to work through and doesn't want to burden you with it on top of your own difficulties. 

@Bafflelaffle  The future is the future. 

Fingers crossed that things work out for you just as they should 🙂

[Jasper_123]

ah @Bafflelaffle break ups are so messy and hard and hurtful even when they happen on the best grounds. I'm sorry that it's been tricky for you and by the sounds of things she has her own stuff going on (having two kids is a lot to manage as well as being a person) 

How did the break up occur? Did you get much closure from that conversation or is it something you are hoping to revisit in time?