Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @New2BPD ,

I totally admire your courage and your openness to recovery. Knowing and acknowledging the challenges you currently have (e.g. lying) is the first step. However, you have moved beyond this and see your Iying as an evolutionary survival skill (fight or flight). You are human, and so these impulses will come.

My experience with BPD tells me communication is key. Being open and communicating helps shed light on possible assumptions which potentially cause you to feel you need to go into fight/flight mode. This skills takes practise. Not just for you, but for your husband. For example, communication to a pwBPD may include "I am going to the shops, then the bank, then the library and will be back by 3pm, otherwise I will call..", rather than "I'm going out and will be back soon". I found the clarity and openness helped me to trust the person more so I wouldn't have to lie about things. This is my experience, but we are all different.

It's great to see you reach out, knowing your anonymity will be kept. We welcome you with open arms!

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @New2BPD ,

How are things? Just checking in to see how you're travelling.

I encourage you to reach out whenever you feel the need.

Cheers, 

BPDSurvivor

[New2BPD]

Hi @BPDSurvivor I am totally lost atm. I don't even know who I am any more. I've lost all drive and motivation to better my life (career, hobbies etc) because I truly feel as though I have lost ME. I have lost friends, family and seem to poison everything I touch or come close to. I am fighting an uphill battle to keep my partner and family together,  yet I have such an intense fear that I will mess it all up without even meaning to do so. Because I have lied in the past I have in return lost trust and been accused of something I DIDN'T DO. I am exhausted from being questioned over it, thinking about it and putting my foot in the crap deeper because I have lied out of fear of what it would look like and my ever so frustrating way of assuming the outcome (it's always as though a tsunami is about to hit and I'm standing on the beach) I need to stop doing that, assuming,  lying out of fear of something that has not happened,  thinking the worst outcome every time, losing my temper even if just asked a question, staring off into space, pushing BPD away because I hate who I am right now! I hate what I have done, I hate that when in a rational mind I can see where I went wrong and how I should have reacted, even when I am mindful and think "you're doing it again STOP IT" that thought passes as quick as it occurs.  I feel like I have a monster living inside of me. I have no recollection of certain events/time frames, I am quick to be offended and hang off one word especially if I feel attacked,  accused or insulted.  I have just this week begun a 12 week DBT Skills Group. I was so optimistic and positive toward it and now I feel like I have no hope at all. Yet I will not stop with my treatment as I feel it is the only thing keeping me from actually losing my mind. I feel shame, disgust and overwhelming hatred for myself, what I have done and all that I have dragged down with me. What a putrid human being is what I continually have running through my mind.  I don't even know if all of this is purely BPD or if there is something else wrong with me. I am absolutely petrified. I won't even say is this normal. Is this BPD? I can't even bring myself to read up on BPD to a  full extent because it just shallows me whole and makes me feel horrid. 

[Whitehawk]

Hi @New2BPD 

I am the Moderator at the moment and I am impressed by your courage in telling your story on the forums in such an honest and open way. Feeling so lost must be such a struggle for you so good on you for reaching out here.

If you are needing help off the forums there is the SANE Help Centre which operated 10am to 10pm AEST Monday to Friday. Mental Health professionals can offer you support by phone or on-line chat.

Phone 1800 187 263 

https://www.sane.org/services/help-centre/content/2

take care

Whitehawk

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @New2BPD ,

 Thank you for your honest post. I can hear things are difficult, particularly in terms of emotional instability and lack of identity. This does NOT make you a monster.

I want you to understand that BPD can make you feel like a child emotionally. What would you expect from a child in the mix of adult circumstances? (Relationships, responsibilities). I liken it to an emotional child trapped in an adult's body. The body has continued to grow, but the emotional self has been stunted. It can also be likened to having third-degree burns to the emotional self - every bump is excruciating.

All those things you have said about yourself, would you honestly say to your child-self? Perhaps you are being a little harsh?

I am happy to hear you are continuing with the DBT skills training. There are skills which pwBPD need to be explicitly taught and reminded to practise. I wouldn't want you going in thinking the sessions will do magic. Remember, the work is done by YOU. You have had years to make you who you are, hence it will take much more than 12 sessions to unlearn unhelpful habits and create new helpful pathways in your brain. Please don't feel like you have 'failed' because it hasn't transformed you by the end of the training. I've probably mentioned before, but I had an intensive 18 months therapy, twice a week, four hours. I'm STILL learning and practising!

In the thick of things, you may not be able the see the forest for the trees. See if you can find space between yourself and what is happening. Step back to help you see more clearly. When I am triggered, I found the best way is to excuse myself and walk away so I don't say things and hurt anyone. However, there was a lot of open communication before that where I told people I would step back when things were difficult so that i could protect myself and others - this was agreed upon. Open communication is essential.

I could speak into this space, forever. I could talk to you forever about BPD. There's only so much I can write down.

If you have any other d sad pacific questions, please ask. Also, please don't feel you are alone. I'm with you in this and I want you to know BPD is NOT a life sentence.

BPDSurvivor

[New2BPD]

Thank you @BPDSurvivor I had one chance today and with all of my might I wanted it more than life itself to keep my relationship with my partner and I blew it. I hate how I act, react, hurt others and still even to this day HATE that even whilst or after something is discussed I get my guard up. Even if it is for no reason other than I THINK I KNOW what they are thinking, intending or the over all outcome. It drives me insane. I hate this person that I am today. I know I am in here and I need to stop referring to myself as someone with BPD. I need to remember who I AM and strive to be her again. I love my partner more than life itself (I truly do) and I will get back to me, to who he fell in love with. And who I love and can look in the mirror with pride. It's just hard atm. Putting it lightly.  It is such a relief to know there are others that think and operate the way I do. Thank you!

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @New2BPD ,

It's actually a great thing that you can reflect on the person you are today and also reflect who you WANT to be. That is the beginning of recovery. It's just like this - a person won't cry out for help unless they know they are drowning.

Yes, you are right, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I used to always make assumptions, causing me to jump to conclusions. It often ended up in emotional torture and self-hatred. Not to mention the anxiety it resulted in because I was always seeking and waiting for  confirmation of my assumption/s. In this area, as part of by BPD therapy, mentalisation played a huge part. It causes you to focus on other possibilities, other perspectives surrounding what is occurring. It is a skill to be practised. For example, I may be upset that someone left without telling me. Automatically, the BPD side of me would say they were trying to get away from me because they hated me. However, through mentalisation, other possibilites are opened up e.g. perhaps they have left because they were in a hurry? Perhaps they left because it was an emergency? The next element of mentalisation is to seek clarification. So what could I do to seek clarification? - ask them over the phone? wait and speak to them later?

This all sounds so EASY....but hell, it is not!!!! I found it so difficult to articulate my thoughts and ideas. Hence the practise did a world of good.  

I also wanted to say, don't see BPD as a curse. I think it actually makes you a better person. Through this journey, I have understood myself and others so much more. I am able to empathise with people much better because I have the emotional capacity to. I have met 'real' people who have 'real' feelings.

If you can ride out the rough waves, you WILL find solace.

Cheers,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

@New2BPD G'day!

How are you going? I just wanted to checkin with you to make sure you are okay. 

 Reach out if you need anything. You are not alone.

BPDSurvivor

[26aqua]

Hi @New2BPD I can relate so much to taking things personally and going straight into defense mode and being stuck in my set ways. 

I'm finding it hard to break, at times I can for a bit by removing myself from situation but seems not to last long before the raging hippo comes out for attack 😞 

I'm waiting on diagnosis, with a possibility of 2 or 3 combined - BPD, bipolar, GAD and depression. 

I don't have answers, can only say I feel your pain, I too am angry, at myself mostly, for putting my family and s/o through all my MH issues.