Lived Experience Forum

[Dee99]

Hey i have not sppken about this for a very long time and do not really have anyone either so here l go...

l was diagnosed with bpd in my teens l was avery angry girl from a trauma that happened that sent me on a downward spiral of distruction of muself with self harm and drugs. This lasted a long time many years until it came to a crunch time where it was either die, jail or turn myself around.

I did started working got into an industry that l was pretty good at and have worked my way up to a great senior managment role.

I was happy and got into a relatio ship with a a not so good partner then it started all over again.. he was abusive and l had my confidence stripped away where l was feeling rock bottom again... l left my career and went into a job where l didnt have to talk to anyone l just dealt with animals.. l had to build myself back up again. I couldnt even go to a servo by myself let alone anywhere there was lots of people... l felt destroyed all over again...

l picked myself back up and started alow and got back to my career payh which l am in now... l have moved every 1 to a different suburb trying to find a place l can call home as l do not have that...

now l do not go out, l do not have any friends all l have is my work and my animals... l am exhausted all the time and on my days off feel l have no purpose to even be up. everything l used to love doing l cannot do my anxiety goes through the roof... l am completly alone.. yes l am great when l am working but soon as l am out of work im the complete opposite and shut down?? I dont understand this...

[Kurra]

I don't think it's that uncommon #Dee99

I too can put on a mask of suprper efficiency and energy and push myself through the days at work but often by the time I reachef my car I turned in to a sobbing mess. Even getting home safely was sometimes a risky business.

I would get home and flop in to my bed fully clothed and no dinner. This remaind the case until I had an anxiety problem that was affecting my life everyday life

I spoke toy GP earlier this year and he put me on an antidepressant that is especially effective for alleviating anxiety and sub syndromal depressive symptoms. Witin 4 days this med has turnedy life around. I feel good and experience almost no depression or anxiety. At long last I feel as if I belong in my own skin.
I don't see taking meds as a weekness. If it gives me a quality of life that imho it's worth it's weight in gold.

I do hope you can find something that gives you a quality of life and experience freedom from the restricive way your currently living your life.
Good Luck

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dee99 and welcome to the Sane forums!

It took alot of courage to join up and talk so openly about your journey with mental illness so far. Hopefully by joining this community you wont feel so alone...there is a lot of understanding and positive support here.

You make a good point that work and a strong attachment (to animals in your case) can be containers and stabilisers for the rollercoaster of MI. Having something to focus our thinking on that's productive and makes us feel like we are achieveing something, is an important part of recovery. Then, when we are quietly at home, the sad & anxious thoughts can crowd in.

The wonderful things about our pets and animals is that they accept us warts and all. As long as we feed, exercise them and rub their tummies, they don't ask for anything else 🙂 You probably know that by patting your dog or cat, and looking into their eyes triggers release of oxytocin in you and them. This is the bonding hormone that assists us to feel secure and trust others.

Have you talked to a GP or counsellor about your traumatic experiences and anxiety? Have you tried any treatment pathways?

Keep posting and I look forward to ongoing conversations with you.

kind regards,

Frog 

[Dee99]

Hello Frog

Thank you for the nice words... l have tried talking to counsellors and physcologists and they have out me on medication a long time ago...

im at the point l just dont know how to move upward... l cant make friends as l do not go out and l have moved so many times l kust know people not friends.. it takes alot for me to go and walk my dog who l love and is my best friend... in my job im in busy shopping centres and deal with people 24 seven but even when im working i cannot go into a supermarket on my own... strange? then the minute l am out of work mode l have no motivation, l feel no reason to exist on my days off when l do have so many things l want to do but just cannot find my way to start... a relationship is completely out of the question as who wants to be eith someone like me that wont meet your friends, wont go out with you or even make time for them... when l do want this... crazy???

[1stepup61]

Hi Dee, I am alone to! I moved to the state i am in now with my then fiance and daughter to find work. The relationship did not work out and my daughter grew up and moved interstate with her partner. For the first time i was totally alone except my cats, but having my pets has helped me during the tough times, because looking after them and them giving me cuddles, we needed each other. I did see a doctor and medication has helped lift the depression and anxiety and  I am also having counselling. Perhaps you could look in to going back to your previous career that you felt you were good at, as you were also around other people? I also found going to my local community centre where they run different activities was helpful, because having a general interest meant i did not have to talk about myself, just the craft. A Womens Health Centre or Clinic is a good place to start being around others to as they offer lots of different groups based around a theme, like learning relaxation and the enviroment there is very supportive as well. I am new on this site as well and i have found it helpful feeling connected, talking to others again. I look forward to hearing how you are going? Bye for now, Stepup.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Dee99, 

Sometimes starting to do things is the hardest part, just getting out the door. I get so bad sometimes I don't even go out to check the mail. But I'm much better than I was a year ago as at least part of my weeks are now active with things to do outside the flat. You say that you were on medication and saw a psychologist sometime ago. How about now? It seems like you could do with some help. How about making an appointment with your GP to talk about how you are going now? Kind wishes.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Dee99

Welcome to the forum. It is already a great start to be here and leave your comfort zone. There is some awesome people on this forum and they can be here for you every step of the way.

You've done great, starting again all over several times and I admire your strength. Do you remember what little steps you took before to help you grow again?

I wish you all the best and please come back to share how you are getting on. Take care.