Isolated, alone and lonely.

[MotherDuck]

I need to be honest about where I’m at right now. I’m struggling, and I feel incredibly isolated. Since most of my support funding ended abruptly, I’ve felt a growing sense of disconnection like I’ve quietly slipped through the cracks. Not only has my supports stoppwd abruptly, my Mum moved 3 hours away 2 weeks ago and Dad 4 hours last week. My Twin lives an hour away and I have no car to go visit them. I have no friends close by - I feel invisible. 

The emotional weight of this has been really heavy. I feel broken, dysfunctional, and stuck in what often feels like an internal hell. Day by day, I’m doing my best to stay afloat, but it's been incredibly hard to keep going. My suicidal thoughts are increasing to the point where I'm planning. All I do is lay in bed and work when I can (work is a distraction as I am a cleaner). 

A traumatic event happened to me 4 months ago and I my head is constantly telling me no one believes me. Ive had no support from this event, im on the waitlist for an organisation to call. I’m trying I really am, but even with those small steps, I still feel desperately alone and unsure of what to do. I'm trying to be honest about how I’m feeling for once, I just want to feel supported, seen, and understood, believed. 

Thanks for reading/listening

Mel

[AuntGlow]

Hello @MotherDuck, 

Thank you so much for this honest and open post. We appreciate your courage immensely and we're glad to be able to support you through these more complex feelings.

Firstly, it makes so much sense that you are feeling isolated upon losing support funding. I can't imagine how overwhelming this must be for you... what supports do you have access to now? 

I am sure that the distance between yourself and your family/friends would also feel really vulnerable. Feeling isolated and invisible can truly be so heavy... I am really glad you have posted here, and I very much hope our community can help you to feel more connected and seen during this time.

It sounds to me like you're really needing to feel safe and connected at the moment (which is so incredibly human and understandable), so let's look at some ways you can do this from where you are, okay?

But first of all, I would really like to help you work towards feeling more safe in your body. I know you have mentioned plans/thoughts of suicide, so it would be helpful to know if you have plans to act on these thoughts tonight? You're not in any trouble, it's just helpful to know, so that I can meet you in that space and work towards safety planning with you. ☺️

I am also aware you've mentioned a traumatic experience that you haven't had support with... that alone sounds like it's creating a lot of big feelings for you, and understandably so. When you are ready, please know that you can share your experiences here, and they will be held with love, care, and most importantly, belief. 💛

Here with you, 

AuntGlow. ✨

[MotherDuck]

Hi Auntglow- thank you for reading and responding to me. I really appreciate that. 

Right now I have linked in with a lady from Suicide Prevention Pathways and have a meeting with her on Friday. That's it. I was seeing my social worker twice a week and my OT once a month. 

I'm not exaggerating, there is no one around me. It's very lonely. 

Truthfully I have no plans tonight, I flushed the [edited by moderator] I had saved up. [edited by moderator]

I appreciate you allowing me the space to open up about certain things but I definitely won't so that so publicly, maybe in a one on one setting I don't know. I'm just.... sad. And tired. And scared. 

[name removed by moderator]

[tyme]

Hi there @MotherDuck ,

Please check your email.

Also, we have made edits to your post above so that your post aligns with guidelines.

[MotherDuck]

I'm so sorry

[AuntGlow]

Of course! And no apologies necessary, you didn't do anything wrong. ☺️ @MotherDuck 

I am glad to hear that you have a meeting with the SPP, I hope this helps a lot. But I can understand how vulnerable it would feel for that to be your only support... please let me know if you'd like me to suggest some other ideas, only when you are ready, of course. 

I am very, very glad to hear you are safe tonight. It's hard to experience that level of distress and still work towards keeping yourself safe. So please know that I can see how much effort you are putting in here. 

I get wanting to keep things private for the time being, it's okay to take your time to talk about all of this. Sad, tired, scared - I understand. What does this part of you need right now? ❤️

[AuntGlow]

Hello @MotherDuck, 

Just messaging to check in on you, how are you feeling today? 💛

[MotherDuck]

Hi @AuntGlow. Thank you for checking in, I really appreciate this. Okay, I was at pharmacy today for other reasons and was close to acting upon a thought, so close. I didn't and I'm here. Thanks again

[AuntGlow]

I am so glad you are here, thank you for letting me know @MotherDuck. 

Please remember that if those thoughts come up, you can come here and talk through them, okay? We never want you to have to go through this alone. We are always, always here for you. 

I would love to know about some of the things that helped you to not act upon those thoughts today. I think looking at what those are could be a really helpful way to start creating a safety plan for you.

Talk soon.💛

[MotherDuck]

@AuntGlow Truthfully I didn't act on my thoughts as I told myself I will purchase them closer to a later date. One thing I am finding it hard to come to terms with not being alive is not being able to be an Aunty to my best mate, my Nephew. I'm finding it harder to say goodbye to him mentally and physically. These thoughts are relentless