No more to give

[Ed1975]

My second eldest brother CS 13 years ago. He would of had CPTSD if diagnosed. 

Last night, my third eldest messaged me stating that he had just come out of hospital after trying to CS. He also has CPTSD and a lifelong drug and depression problem.

I have been trying to get him help for months. He is in the UK. I've put my own mental health on the line for him. I don't have anything left in the tank for myself, let alone him. I had to message him tonight to tell him I'm here for him but I can't keep chasing him. My messages quite often go unanswered for days, leaving me with chronic anxiety. I have my own CPTSD to deal with and am trying to get help to deal with that and what comes with it.

I just can't anymore with him. I feel terrible but I have to focus on myself. Its sounds selfish but he's zapping every ounce of my energy trying to fight for him. I'm in a bad place myself and just cannot give anymore. It's not his fault, he has zero coping skills, but he won't take the steps to help himself.

Has anyone else had experience with a loved one like this?

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Ed1975, sounds like you are going through a tough time with your brother and his MH. Thank you for reaching out to your peers here on the Forums, which are such a supportive space to share our experiences.

I understand that it's tough for you, but you are demonstrating your resilience and practising self-care by looking after your own MH first. It can be hard when a loved one won't reach out for support themselves. Sometimes all we can do is be there for them and let them know that we care while gently encouraging them to seek support.

I'm sure the community will have some insights to share with you too! 

You might like to introduce yourself here: https://saneforums.org/t5/Welcome-and-getting-started/Welcome-Introduce-yourself-here/m-p/1149480

Take care

RiverSeal

[Dimity]

Yes indeed @Ed1975 .

Not suicide but other  MH and life-threatening conditions. I don't feel able to share details but it's emotionally and financially draining and I'm not coping. It's impacting my MH.

There's so many trite sayings like you can't pour from an empty cup and put on your own oxygen mask first but it hurts like hell to see it all happening and be unable to help.

Families... 

[Ed1975]

@Dimity it's frustrating. I'm always the one reaching out, if I didn't, I'd hardly ever hear from him unless he was pleading for me to send him money. Sometimes it's US that may need reaching out to.

[Dimity]

True @Ed1975 . But people have told me to just walk away which I can't do. A/ they'd have noone and B/ it could have been me.

Saw this on another thread. 

Are you OK? 

 

[Ed1975]

Yes, thanks @Dimity . It's just a lot to carry.

[Appleblossom]

@Ed1975 

reaching out, as someone who has experienced similar situations, but I cannot make pretty promises.

 I shared a little when you began sharing, about your brother’s death. 

you can only do what you can honestly do and be yourself. You can only stretch so much. Each person ultimately is personally responsible for any actions like that they take.

The “legacy” of suicide can be hell for family members. 

TW: Suicide and self-harm

Content/trigger warning

After my sister’s suicide, my brother self harmed for 9 years and then also completed suicide. At the time I was raising infants and small children. I was stretched to breaking point and am still struggling with the consequences. I would never have walked away, did everything I could think of to help, but nothing would.

We all had CPTSD from significant childhood abandonment.  They were in foster homes much longer than I and from younger.

We need to do our grief journeys, whilst also affirming life.

 I don’t believe my siblings realised how much devastation would unfold. I don’t want to frighten anyone.

you do need to respect your limits. 

[tyme]

I'm so so sorry to hear this @Appleblossom ,

It sounds so hard to go through what you did. I can hear how stretched you were and how you still had to push through to support your own family.

Hugs

[Appleblossom]

@Ed1975 @Hearing you about the limits of case management…on other thread… yes some people need hope… but I am not sure it is ethical to 

my son has had a poor showing with case management… he has just had to submit and comply… and put up with it. I am pretty disappointed in the system watching from the side,

yes, the limits to their capacity to work with trauma is a worry. A couple years ago, I was asked to do, and then to teach a Diploma in Community Service… a standard qual… I was so unimpressed by the course I felt morally obliged to withdraw and refuse to teach it.

 Wish the system was better. I also hope you actually do get reasonable therapy. Good to see you around the forums.

apple