Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

This Little Girl 👧 

The shadows are here 

the pain has not gone 

let's hide she says

no one can see you 

she hides under her chair

so no one can see 

for she is hurt and no one believes 

why can't they see

the pain is huge

tbe pain is there 

for this little girl 

just wants to be me

she's scared she's nine

who does she tell

theres no one at all

Everything's bare 

she's screaming and crying 

she wants a big hug

but no ones around 

so she cries even more 

they use her and abuse her 

she's only a little girl 

how could they she says 

and then goes for more 

she has no memories of happy times 

it's been ripped away by those crimes

yet she still goes on 

but wonders why

this little girl is lost

she has lost everything 

let's hope one day

she finds her path again 

this little girl now is 54

but there's part of her still

not sure what she's looking for

is it happiness, love, letting go

shes just not sure 

[Maggie]

@BlueBay  Hugs for little 9. Hugs for little 54. 💛💛💙💙

[BlueBay]

Thanks so much @Maggie xxoo

[Exoplanet]

Come on End

Come on end, I've played this game life

I'm playing it still,

but I've been there, I've done that

I'm ready for a new thrill

I've ridden life’s ride

up & down

round & round

it hurts every time it throws you back on the ground

I have this feeling, something else

There's something different

something new, feeling more real

Something not so apparent

I think it could be better

If I’m wrong I still have to change

This ride will always finish

It’s all a part of the game

The End

[Silenus]

@Maggie... as a writer, I am rarely lost for words...

But that poem! Wow!

Sooooooo relatable... and beautifully written.

For decades, I looked for ever more creative ways to run and hide from my pain, for ever more helping-in-the-short-term-but-harming-in-the-long-term coping mechanisms, for substances that for a time would numb the pain...

And at the end of it all, no matter how far I ran, I was where I had always been... right there, with my self, by myself, facing myself in the mirror...

Healing starts to happen when you actually look in the mirror... I wasn't so good at it for a lot of years... I would look, but then shy away from my own gaze, avert my eyes to avoid looking into my soul...

It was breathtaking ignorance, and I am surprised that I was able to keep it up for so very many years and still survive... but here I am, a 48-year-old bloke who has looked deeply inside himself, not particularly liked some of the things he saw, and is working on trying to make sense of things and make them better...

When we face our pain with our presence, our awareness, focused on it calmly, we are able to look beyond the immediate pain, and delve into the reasons why the pain exists in the first place. An animal in great pain cannot think calmly without the very greatest of focus...

From calmness came peace in my case, and I started to see the very many ways that I had compartmentalised my egoic self, my personality... I imagine most people have a bunch of voices in their heads most of the time... they are our thoughts, these words that swirl around in the firing of our synapses...

I noticed something... I was spending a huge amount of my own energy on fighting myself... I would have thoughts and counter-thoughts warring against each other all the time, and bipolar is definitely no help in this regards... hahaha...

This added to the noise, and stopped me being able to calmly look at why I was in so much pain... once there was an inner silence, a truce of sorts for a while, I could work in partnership with a therapist to start the long process of peeling the onion layers of my life back, to reveal where all the pent-up tears of my inner child were coming from...

It was tough going... therapy often is... but it started me on a much healthier path, which I continue to tread to this day... and it was all made possible only when I stopped running away from my pain...

I hope you don't mind my ramblings... your poem was amazing, and it really sparked some firings in my synapses... much love and respect...

[Silenus]

@Ralph... your words touched me deeply, Ralph... mate, I know a small bit about how damn heartless the system is, from my own wrangling with them refusing to recognise bipolar as a disability...

I hope you get all the help that you need to live the best life possible moving forward... in my heart, that is the kind of society that we should be living in... I tire of the circling wolves and their awful appetites...

Sending you hugs and happy vibes in amongst it all...

[Silenus]

Hi @Meowmy ... the fires remain calmer for the time being... thank you so much for your kindness...

For the first time in over a month, I saw proper blue sky... I went outside at night to look for stars, but the smoke had closed in during the evening, so I could not see them...

But I imagined them in all their grandeur, for even when the smoke or clouds are in the way they are still there, waiting to be admired and wondered at...

May your days and nights be filled with calmness and peace... the stars are twinkling for us, even during the day... much love and respect...

[Silenus]

@BlueBay... sending your inner child gentle healing vibes...

So beautifully written...

[BlueBay]

Thanks so much @Silenus 

it's straight from my broken heart 💔 

[Silenus]

Wow, @Exoplanet ! Love it!

It's one heck of a ride alright, and the game is always interesting, especially when we level up...