Lived Experience Forum

[Sans911]

CAUTION:TRIGGER WARNING

Not tagging anyone here so you don't feel obliged to read.

My mother rang me today & said that she got some bad news. Initially she refused to tell me as she thought it might affect me. She told me that her first husband had died - he had cancer. He's supposed to be my father, but there's been denials from her & him on a number of occasions so I don't know what to believe anymore.

He was never a part of my life until I was about 10 or 11. My mother left him shortly after I was born. And I've always told many people that he died not long after I was born, because that's easier than the awful truth. Anyway, they got back together & he wanted me in his life. The welfare allowed it, despite the fact he already had a charge of abuse against his own son. He showered me with gifts and toys right from the start. Then he abused me for 2 years or so. Despite the welfare's concerns about him, they allowed contact to continue. He broke their rules so many times. Unsupervised visits when he was supposed to be supervised. He broke my heart, he broke my spirit and my trust for a long time. I've always denied I had a father. I wanted him dead. And now he is. And I'm relieved. But I'm mad & sad too that my mother feels such profound loss at his passing. She was completely aware of the abuse of 2 of her own children & possibly other children in future relationships but these don't enter her mind? Doesn't she care about her own children? It doesn't feel like it when she mourns for a man that doesn't protect his children, but uses them for his own gain. How can be so ignorant and blind?

It's hard to feel and be supportive but I will be the dutiful daughter to my mother. But I will have nothing more to do with the situation nor will I attend any service.

[outlander]

@Sans911 🧡💚💜💜💜

[Zoe7]

Hey Hon  I would be exactly the same as you in this circumstance. I understand your mother still had feelings for this man but she also did not protect you - especially when she quite obviously knew what was going on. I personally would not be able to support my mother in the same situation so it is both admirable and strong of you to do that now. No doubt it has brought up a whole lot for you so if yoiu need an ear or someone to sit with you tonight I am here for you @Sans911 

Sending you all the love I have and a shgoulder to lean on 💕😘

[Snowie]

Oh hun I totally understand that you are mad and sad at your mother. She was meant to protect you against this man and she didn't. I am not suprised that you are relieved that he is dead, I would be too.

I can understand to some extent. Even after asking me if my uncle was abusing me (and I said no) they still left me alone with him to continue his abuse.

You deserved a mother to believe you and put you first but most importantly you deserved to be protected from this monster and it breaks my heart to know that someone who was meant to love and protect you let you down in the worst kind of way.

I hope with his passing that you get some comfort in knowing that regardless of your mother, he is now rotting in hell. I understand that you would not want to go to his funeral.

Lots of love and hugs sis.

Am here with and for you @Sans911 💌💌

[Sans911]

Thanks so much @Zoe7 @Snowie for your kind words and support. It has bought up a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. But I'm OK with it all. I'm not feeling especially triggered or upset. I guess because I never talk about him anymore, and pretty much never had.

I also stopped contact after the welfare stopped the contact. Although he tried to see me a few times without anyone's knowledge.

Over the last few years my mother & brother re-established contact with him as they were researching the family history. He was living in another state I think with a partner. I actually had to ask them both one day to refrain from using his name if they didn't feel able to stop talking about him. They've always known how I feel, and I can't believe they could both be so disrespectful. She didn't believe me back then, she obviously still feels that way now. I'm so disappointed in her. I though she had more integrity.

I don't need to say more I think. And I don't want to drag you into a space that us uncomfortable.

[Snowie]

This is your space @Sans911 You can say as much or as little as you like and I will sit here with listening eyes. You are not making me uncomfortable hun but understand if you don't want to say anything more.

[Zoe7]

The same as @Snowie here @Sans911 - not making me uncomfortable at all and here for you whether you want to talk or not. I fully respect you wanting to leave it at what you have already said though Hon 

[Maggie]

@Sans911  💞💞💞💞

[Snowie]

Hey sis @Sans911 

Just coming past to see how you are hun. 

I hope your day has had some sunshine in it.

Lots of love and hugs 💜💛💜💛

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Sans911, hoping today is an easy one for you. Sending you a gentle hug. 💜Nikki