Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

I don't think it adequately addressed carer issues either @Determined

[Smc]

I missed that one @Former-Member@Determined, but maybe for the best. I'm a bit tired for discussing such emotionally involving topics at the moment.

I did wonder reading through- they mentioned the high number of survey respondents who were both carers for someone with a MI, and diagnosed with a MI themselves... I can't help wondering how many of the carers are basically dealing with long term carer stress, and resultant depression and anxiety.

Maybe a carers forum discussion thread might be a better format to talk specifically about carer needs?

[Former-Member]

It was a carers topic Tuesday discussion @Smc 

[Smc]

Ah, OK. I'd assumed it was open to all. Thanks for correcting me there @Former-Member. 🙂

[Twinklelight]

hi @Determined

iv been reading through your thread and i was wondering how you cope with your wife having BPD. i suffer with BPD and im just wondering how my husband feel about what im going through and how hard it is not only for me but also as a couple. 

[Determined]

Hi @Twinklelight nice to meet you.

Can I start by saying how encouraging it is to hear you ask this... insight and awareness (something my darling often lacks) go  a long way towards feeling valued and appreciated.

How do I cope with supporting my wife?

That is a difficult answer and can vary from day to day.  From my perspective not very well. From my councillors perspective and our couples councillor perspective they think that I am doing ok with our current environment.

I recent time I have been focusing on more self care to better enable me to support my wife.

For your husband my advice would be that he needs to have someone to talk to about things.

For many years (we have been married for almost 19 years) I tried to hide my darlings problems with the best intentions of helping her but that has not worked out well for either of us.

I'm not sure how much to say without my reply turning into a long waffle but happy to answer any specific questions. 

[Determined]

One thing I will add is that I try to separate the best I can who my wife is/ was when we met and married to how this illness has transformed her. 

The other thing I have been working on are some consistent boundaries (either explained at the beginning of this thread or the previous thread ... link at front.)  So that my darling knows what to expect from me as a source of security. This was implemented with the help of a councillor.  The other thing is with boundaries discussed and set I don't have to always be making it up as a crisis unfolds wondering if I am responding appropriately in the heat of the moment so to speak.

Do you mind if I ask if there is anything your husband does that is helpful/ unhelpful.

Communication is not one of our strong points due to reactivity in my darlings behalf so it is most helpful to have some insight on what/ how to ask and approach some topics. 

[Determined]

SMC wrote...

I can't help wondering how many of the carers are basically dealing with long term carer stress, and resultant depression and anxiety.

I think I am definitely in this boat @Smc    @Former-Member  and far from being alone in this boat. 

[Smc]

And likewise me @Determined.

Hi @Twinklelight.

[Determined]

I would expect it to be the case with most long term careers @Smc. I think it is because we care and it is too hard or not possible to switch off. Even when our loved ones are in the safe care of others.

We had a mostly productive couples councilling appointment after a false start.

After driving over an hour to get there found out the councillor was not there because she had forgotten about our appointment. Had to wait for over an hour for her to  return. 😡🤐

It was individual discussions today. Supposed to be 1/2 hour each. Darling was out in less than 15 min. Obviously invested in sorting things out. Worked out for me though as I had more time to discuss my challenges. We spent a lot of time on dealing with rejection which was timely after last nights topic Tuesday discussion. 

While she is quite stressed with the current process of selling and buying houses I think relatively my darling is doing ok. Children are working hard at changing that unfortunately but al least my darling is letting me deal with it.