Lived Experience Forum

[Anon4]

Hi, I think this is a 'looking after ourselves' post? We'll see after I type it. Mods can remove it if it's too complainey for here.

I have a question for people who have experienced the conviction that everything they do is rubbish just because they're the ones doing it. Like, you could create a masterpiece, but that blob in the corner? Definitely ruined the whole picture. Definitely wouldn't have happened if somebody else had created it. And the rest of the picture that is apparently award-winning would have been worthy of an even bigger award if you weren't such trash and daring to trick people into believing otherwise.

Perhaps you've even found it physically hard to move because you "know" your existence is a cosmic error that you need to apologise for with your sanity, forever.

Yeah, I'm there. Yeah, I want out. Has anyone experienced anything like this before AND has managed to work towards feeling differently? I can rarely drag myself out for a walk or do anything creative or do anything at all... because my sense of self is in chaos. Initiating, and then maintaining, the self-care is a great deal more distressing than being distressed.

Maybe this post isn't so much 'looking after ourselves' as it is 'has anyone managed to take a step even though every piece of your consciousness that is typically asleep awakens and joins forces specifically to stop you from breaking the world by being in it?'

Which would be step 1 on a journey to looking after ourselves, I suppose. So here we are.

[Jynx]

Hey @Anon4 , good on you for having the courage to ask for help. There's an intensity to the phrase 'cosmic mistake', I can only imagine how painful it would be to live with this idea of yourself. 

It can feel so out of reach to even imagine what self-love feels like. We are creatures of habit, and sometimes that means we get into the habit of talking about ourselves in a very nasty way - so much so, that even attempting to say nice things about ourself feels weird and downright uncomfortable. I used to say to people 'I don't hate myself, I loathe myself' because hate didn't feel strong enough a word, so I can totally empathise with how difficult it feels to try to change this. 

Everyone is of course different in what 'step 1' is going to be. Something that has helped me is differentiating between two types of self-care. Type 1 is caring for myself, and involves practicing healthy habits, getting enough sleep, and talking to my supports when I'm feeling unwell. Type 2 is caring about myself, and is more of an ongoing journey. This journey has been about things like learning to give myself permission to enjoy things, to recognise and practice my values, and to be forgiving of my mistakes. Type 2 can feel a lot harder, but like any skill it takes practice and it will begin to feel more natural over time. 

Sometimes the first step isn't self-love. It's too big, too foreign. Sometimes it starts with self-kindness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. Sometimes the first step might even just be self-tolerance.

We have a blog piece called 'How to put self-compassion into practice' which I've found really helpful - you can read  it here. 

[Anon4]

Thanks 🙂 Any chance we can have an email exchange?