Lived Experience Forum

[Rosie]

Hi all,

I thought I would post something about lockdown and being well because I am looking at old photos and realising some things. I see these old photos I took when I was very sick with schizophrenia and drinking too much. I was isolated in a farm house and living alone. The premise of all of this was because I was in denial of my illness and I wanted to drink as much as I wanted without interference from anyone. I had pushed everyone away and I was stuck in my own mind and my alcoholism. These photos are selfies and I'm sticking my rude finger up and sipping wine and smoking ciggis. In the background, the house is a pigsty, I'm wearing awful clothing and there are empty beer bottles everywhere. I am overweight and my hair is a mess.

I just cannot think of what lockdown would be like if I was still in this state.

The farmhouse was around 2011/2012. It's been a long and hard road since then, but it has definitely been worth it! I went through depression and anxiety after finally admitting I had schizophrenia, I gained more weight and lost my career. I moved back in with my parents. I kept drinking, but took medication. This (as you would know) lowers the effectivness of psychiatric medication. I kept relapsing into psychosis and went back to my profession with a lot of determination but very shaky confidence. I moved out of my parents'. It all seemed to be going well, but I kept drinking. Continued relapses into psychosis and a drink driving conviction and a subsequent loss of licence was rock bottom for me. I stopped drinking the next morning. 

It didn't automatically get better though. I stopped taking medication, walked everywhere and became really unwell. I was completely psychotic. But I had stopped drinking. I went to AA. I got help. I went out of AA then back in. I went on new medication. I worked through the AA program. I took my medication and abstained from any drugs or alcohol.

I am two years sober on Wednesday.

It is not always easy and life happens. I bawled about lockdown the other day... but I rang my supports and I watched a TV show and got out of my head. I am working from home in a house that I own (with a mortgage) and I am making plans to move closer to my boyfriend.

Looking at those photos, they are shameful and shocking and remind of a time when I was really sick. But I also see them and I have compassion for myself. Living with complex mental illness is hard. It takes years to understand, accept and learn about managing it. I didn't realise how much alcohol affected it, because since I haven't been drinking I have hardly experienced any symptoms of schizophrenia (I take high doses of medication day and night). I do find a few hints of paranoia and anxiety when I am stressed, but nothing like when I was drinking.

I am very grateful to be sober and to have my mental health. Particularly in lockdown. 

Rosie

[StuF]

@Rosie 

An inspiring post. So many good things, but to choose one: Awesome work on being sober! Well done 🙂

[Judi9877]

Hi @Rosie @StuF What a great inspirational post @Rosie ! Well done on being so honest and posting it. You've come so far with your schizophrenia and depression and alcohol issues so that's a big achievement👍! 

I'm in Melbourne experiencing lockdown 6 and I've noticed that my experiences and outlook has changed as I've experienced each lockdown. My mental health - schizophrenia, depression and Borderline Personality Disorder- have also changed according to how I've chosen to deal with each following lockdown as well. For instance, in lockdown 1, I was all panic and stressed and anxious about what was happening and going on in the world around me. Even with a few more lockdowns, I couldn't understand how people stockpiled toilet paper and food despite the supermarkets remaining open. I also limited where I went and what I did and tried not to pay much attention to the news as it was so full on for me. I was living with a housemate who loved watching the daily news conferences and wanted to go out for food every day so that was often hard to handle. Now, I'm a lot more calmer and have found ways to focus on day to day living and to look after myself and my mental health. Things like doing mindfulness and taking time to enjoy the little things like a hot coffee and reading are now important to me unlike before when they weren't so much before. I'm no longer focused on news conferences and just try and deal with life as it happens and get on with living life as best as I can despite the restrictions and limitations that are in place.

The best advice I can give to anyone in lockdown is look after yourself and make the most of the quieter pace of life if you can. Use the time wisely and takes time to do things you normally wouldn't such as reading, watching movies or whatever you choose and whatever is allowed, depending on where you are and what limits you have. 

Take care and stay safe!

Judi9877☺️💐

[AussieRecharger]

@Rosie 

Happy Anniversary for Wednesday and thank you for sharing your story. 

I would love to know when you look back at those photo's, do you think you had lost hope at that time?  and what do you think was the first thought that you had that started you to rebuild?

I grew up with alcohol issues in my family and it's a big cultural factor in Aussie society that I find hard to get away from, it seems like a massive step to quit and stay sober so I am in awe of your discipline. 🙂

[Rosie]

Thank you @AussieRecharger !

It is really hard to quit in Australia. I never thought I would. I couldn't see a life without booze. 

In the farmhouse, in those photos I was wired in delusions. They drove me forward so I didn't see myself as hopeless. I suppose the moment I knew I had to move back to my parents' was a culmination of having no money and hitting a dead end. I suppose that's when I realised I was hopeless. There were still enough weird beliefs for me to think I was the queen, interspersed with reality that I couldn't pay the rent.

My second "rebuild thought" was waking up with no car in the driveway and very very few memories of how I got the ticket of licence loss on my bedside table.

AA has helped me to quit drinking. I don't think of it as discipline, not drinking. I was absolutely desperate and willing to do anything not to have a drink again. This was key.

Hope this helps. Happy to chat more!!

Rosie