Wife has new male best friend

[JM2022]

I am hoping someone out there can give me their unbiased opinion.  This may or may not help me from going out of my mind.

To begin with, i have been married since 2009, my wife and I have always been on separate ends of the 'emotional spectrum.  She tends to me highly emotional whereas i am on the complete opposite end.  Despite the differences we have made it work well and kind of balance each other out.  However, from time to time it does create some tension.

Over the past couple of years my wife has attended a personal training group, which is great,  she has always suffered from social anxiety so to see her enjoy being around a new group of people and to witness the improvement of her mental health  has been fantastic.

However it did not take long until she started spending time with a male friend from this group.  As well as group sessions, they meet on non group days and train together alone for up to 3-4 hour sessions.  This usually includes lunch, coffee, etc.  So they end up seeing each other everyday whether in a group or not.  This also includes texts and phone calls throughout the day. 

I have questioned her about this. and have told her i am uncomfortable with the frequency, not necessarily the fact she has a male best friend.

She has told me that they do have feeling for each other, they have discussed this in detail and have vowed not to act on it.  They recognise that it is natural that and two people spending this amount of time with each other are bound to develop feelings, however its whether they act on it or not that counts.  This doesn't sit right with me.  Just because you have recognised it, and have been open with me about it doesn't make it right or less hurtful.

This male friend has the emotional personality traits that i dont have, so it makes sense that she is attracted to him and wants to spend so much time with him.

But where does this leave me?  I cant help feeling she would rather be with him than me?  why wouldn't she, right?

Is she better off with him? 

I dont want to stop the friendship, 1. due to the improvement in her mental health, 2. why should i? if my discomfort isnt enough, shouldnt she recognise the problem a pull back?

over the past 6 months this has put me in a depressed state, and if anything it has put more distance between my wife and I.  I cant help feeling that without this guy out of the picture, we can not repair our marriage. I am seriously considering leaving her, but have two great kids to consider also.

Please help!!

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @JM2022 Welcome to the forums,

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you and unfair on your relationship. Unfortunately I don't have the answers as only you know your situation and what's best for you. I do know that you will find lots of support here. Relationships Australia might be helpful if you wanted to talk to someone about it.

I will tag some members to help you get started. 

@Shaz51 @AussieRecharger @Anastasia @MDT @wellwellwellnez @Gwynn 

I wish you all the best,

Paperdaisy 

[Shaz51]

hello @JM2022  and welcome 

I agree with @Paperdaisy 

that this sounds like a really difficult situation for you and unfair on your relationship.

trusting is a big issue my friend , but even that we all needs certain boundaries in our relationships and even if everything seems ok to your wife  , may not be the same with her male friend 

[Molly22]

@JM2022 

I am probably the worst person to answer this.  I have been where you are by the sound of it I am very similar to your wife.  I am very emotional and my husband of 21 years is more of a cold fish.  

About 4 years ago he had an affair with a 'woman' literally half his age.  Loooooooong story.  Won't bore you with it all.  But it left me alone in a strange place, half a country away from family and friends, whilst he was off in another state chasing his 'limerence'.  After a few months, he got bored and came home.  We are fully reconciled now, but I will never ever get over it.  It changed me forever.

My point.... men and women can't be 'just friends'.  I have seen it too many times.  There is always at least one party who wants it to be more.  And whether or not they do cross that physical line, an emotional affair is just as damaging, if not more so in some cases.  I can understand a one night stand.  (not that I condone it at all), but once you get emotionally involved with another person, that's a whole other level of betrayal. 

You are on a slippery slope.  Believe me, I have been there.  You don't want to tell your wife what to do or who to be friends with, but what she is doing is not at all fair to you or the relationship.  If you were also included in their 'outings' and this other person was considered to be a friend of you both, that I could understand.  But this is not a good situation to be in.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Good luck. 

[tyme]

Hello @JM2022 ,

Thank you for reaching out here. I can certainly hear the challenges you are facing and would like to acknowledge your ability to speak to your wife about feeling uncomfortable with the frequency of contact.

I can see how the contact is both helpful and potentially harmful to your relationship.

As @Paperdaisy mentioned, you know your situation best. 

It can also be acknowledged that different people have different boundaries and this is perfectly okay. Have you ever spoken together with your wife about your boundaries and how they may be different from hers (and vice versa)? Ultimately, how will these boundaries affect your relationship with your wife and in turn affect your children?

I look forward to reading different forum members' views on this.

Take care,

tyme

[wellwellwellnez]

You're approaching this problem with a lot of perspective and compassion. Respect. Now, as a respectable person, respect is all well and good but we need more than respect. We need our "mojo".

In the largest picture, being supportive is a sexy trait, yet at it's sexiest when coming from the actualized mojo version of ourselves. Even if you are "less emotional" (aloofness is BOSS).

Maybe this a question of winning back. Maybe there's no actual competition. Maybe a lot of things. Definitely I don't know. Either way, I think the answer is to spread you're pretty little wings.

[tyme]

Hi @JM2022 ,

I wanted to check-in with you and see how you are going?

Thinking of you,

tyme

[Serezza]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, especially because I went through something similar with my husband about six months ago. I’m glad and grateful for the support I received from here that helped me through what’s been the hardest part of my life so far.

My husband too is the emotional one, and 6 months ago he asked for a divorce so he could start a relationship with a woman friend he had been talking to online. In order to justify to himself what he was doing to me, he turned me into a monster and enemy in his head. The emotional betrayal I felt was soul destroying. But before he was actually able to sexually consummate that relationship, he realised what he was doing and the damage he’d do to the family (we have two primary school aged kids) and he ended up cutting off that relationship and all other female friendships, because of the potential future temptation. 

I don’t believe women and men can be just good friends, unless the spouse always comes first and is the priority. During the worst days of my marriage, my husband was treating these female friends better than he treated me. It sounds like she’s giving this friend of hers more attention than she’s giving you, and that’s not fair to you. It might even be the reason why you are feeling depressed.

Is she matching the hours spent with him with hours spent with you? Does she put in the same or more effort with you for dates and outings and the time the two of you spend together? If not, it’s not fair to you and it’s selfish and improper behaviour from her as a spouse. Mental illness is not an excuse for poor or wrong behaviour (someone from these forums told me that!). She can still be friends with him if she puts you first, the way it is meant to be when you have made a marriage covenant with each other. Maybe a way to help heal your marriage is to spend more time together, watching movies, going on dates or overnight trips and generally more intimacy. If she is willing….

However, having an emotional partner myself, I know how helpless you might be feeling about it because emotional personalities seem to feel so powerless about making the right decisions? It’s not enough for them to know what the right thing to do is, they have to ‘feel’ it first and to hell that their life and their family are casualties on the way to getting there.

Our marriage is slowly healing and in some ways, it’s better than before. But I can’t credit myself or any wisdom on my part. I hope you are a praying man, as to this day, I still view the saving of my marriage as God’s grace. There is nothing I could have done myself to be able to force him to see what he was doing as wrong.

I read a lot of books about divorce and repairing marriage during that time, which you could try and see if that helps. As someone who is so sorry for what your heart must be going through, I hope you don’t mind that I will be praying for you.

[Tom4]

Relationships new ones between 2 males are hard. As referred to in my intro when a new man is on the scene and enters your existing relationship you think the worst. You black dog is barking saying something isn't right but maybe she just thinks he is there just for support for her. 

Another example lets call her 'C' I recently found out C and I are going through something similar mental health wise. C is just married and I have met her through my sister over the last 2 years, C's husband is a tradie but never seems to be at the social events so I helped C out when I thought her black dog may had been barking and others were putting social pressure on her, my sister and her husband suggested I should back away but I just thought C might want some emotional support and when she calmed down she really seemed to apricate it. Maybe it would had been different if C's husband was there but he wasn't. Maybe this man is giving her emotional support that you can't seem to give her because of your own Black Dog at this time. I don't know talk to your wife I am sure its all just a bit over thought as we tend to do with the Black dog.

Hope this helps

Tom4.

[Clawde]

Thinking of you, and wishing you all the best with your own Happiness.

Think of self firsthand, and what advice would you give yourself at the end of the road.

Take Care.