I was discharged from hospital two days ago.
computers! The bane of communication in my eyes. However this is the connection my son enjoys most within this world. This is his interest. This is his reason for further study. he is now 37. I have used them through my career as required.hence, why i hate them so much now. I use them now for emails and this forum. Also the famous "google".
my son also, like myself has a great love and need to be in a natural environment.
He believes in healthy diet but when unwell is unable to stick to this belief.
I spoke to him at the end of february I believe and there was a noticeable decline in his paranoia. This had been explained to me. His second assessing psychiatrist, which I organised with difficulty, whilst detained last year, advised me that without medication this would happen. The day he rang me, I had only that day spoken about him with my psychiatrist. I had decided to, whilst keeping him in my heart, move him over to the side in my thoughts. I was explaining that I needed also to have my main focus on my younger son who appears to be positive, leading a structured life and chasing his dream. He too has experienced the trauma, being part of the family. He needs as much attention.
That evening my older son who is living interstate somewhere rang me. That was in February as mentioned earlier. More than a coincidence.
Whilst in hospital, I spoke about my older son to a lady who had worked with intellectually disabled children and read many books. She was extremely interesting to talk to. She was born with a physical condition and her body was deteriorating. Her mind was incredible and her responses to me so in tune. The first I have encountered when talking about my older son.
We were talking about the illness of schizophrenia and how little is really known about it. Whilst we believe medication is needed to help settle, the main focus is the person, the greater focus must be the person. We also have an uncommon to others, feeling that schizophrenia may not be what the medical world has diagnosed it as. The mind travelling on different planes in the atmosphere, hearing voices as the medical world describes it, may be communication from those different levels. They are truly gifted.
In the middle of our conversation my mobile rang and I looked at the screen and froze. The no caller Id was displayed on the screen. Then it rang again which is what he does.
I answered and although terrified told him how lovely to hear his voice and that I had missed him so much. He stuttered badly. I listened for some time and then suggested to think about his diaphram breathing again. Silence and then a calmer voice, some stuttering. He had some paranoia about anyone hearing us speak and I reassured him. I asked him if he was safe and was he eating well (mum!) I know how important the diet is with mental symptoms. He brushed over the food subject. I was very surprised that there was no mention of money.
We talked niceties for awhile and I then asked him if he had something to ask me, was that why he was ringing. He replied that he wanted to talk to me. My heart melted. I told him so and how wonderful to hear those words. I told him how much I loved him, always will, nothing will ever change that. He brushed over that. Something came up about where he was living, I asked him if he had moved? He became defensive and asked me what I knew about that. I reassured him that his dad and myself do not know where he is living, remember? He settled.
I changed the subject to his environment. Did he have some trees nearby and calm places to go to, to walk. He replied yes, he had a beautiful view from his window. He now lived alone and described some of his furniture that he had acquired. He then told me that if I promised not to show anyone, he would send pictures then i must delete them straight away. I promised. so he said he would ring me back.
This he did we spoke briefly and then i asked him to keep in touch with me that i needed to hear his voice and know that he was safe. i told him that it was lovely that he finally was living in a place, he had also said he was studying maths which i said was wonderful. Again I told him that I loved him. Each time I said this to him there was hesitation on the other end. He was processing my words.
I dont know what was going through his head. I dont know if he remembers previous conversations, the abuse towards me. I dont think that he does, or perhaps there are remnants, random thoughts that are all muddled. I choose to believe that he is listening and adjusting in a way that he can.
The lady with whom I had been having the conversation with, had laid down on a settee nearby. She had needed medication but wanted to wait and let me know that she believed that my son had an empirical relationship with me. The invisible umbilical cord had was still there.
I looked at the photographs so many times. Whilst the furniture he had was clearly mismatching and old it was a part of his belongings now. I cried for him yet another time and am doing so now.
I wanted to look at those photographs forever to keep them near me. I wanted to hold that phone so close to my body that night as i slept. to cuddle him in my arms and tell him that i loved him so.
i looked one more time and then honoured his request that was so important to his safety in his eyes. i deleted the message. Gone from the electronic device, but forever etched in my memory. I wanted that to resonate through the invisible umbilical cord to his senses.
This is what I have. This is not what I would ever have dreamed of happening or would ever want for anyone else. This is however, so much more than I imagined I would ever have after hearing of his diagnosis, spending time with him before he left the state, listening to a voice i did not know that was so icy cold, filled with venom and hate abusing me.
a voice that asked for money to buy furniture, a thank you when i told him that i would send his last birthday and christmas money. I could not keep sending money as I had now stopped work. He accepted this at that time.
Finally, a conversation where he wanted to talk to me, he still knew me as his mum, his place to go when he needed to talk. That is priceless.
When medicated it is still possible to look into their eyes and see them, who they are.
I also spent time talking to a young male, diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia whilst in hospital. I found that the first time I saw him and he spoke to me when I looked in his eyes and he returned the same look I knew. I reassured him that I would tell the person he was looking for where he was.
Later in the art room, he told me of his schizophrenia and his lady friend said wow you never tell anyone that you always describe it as psychosis. I looked him in the eye and said that I already knew, i saw the same look in my son's eyes. He spoke to me for quite a while about his life now, his girlfriend. I came across him a few times in the art room and watched him paint an item which was to be a present for his girlfriend. He needed help with an inscription on the inside. Myself and another assisted with the writing. He explained how he did not want the inside completely finished. He wanted her to be able to see where he had started from and the finished product. This was so beautiful to me. To share with her all that he had done in making her gift.
when he left i said goodbye with others. his mother was there, i told her how lovely her son was. She replied not to her and how hard she found it. she also mentioned about isolation within community not enough support. I gave her details of carers mental health and told her that he loved her still as he was going home with her. it was just more confronting and painful to talk to her because of his love. I wished them all the best.
We want so much for our loved ones. We hurt when they hurt. We pray we hope we berate ourselves. We have to keep an open mind, our hearts open so that we are ready to receive something, anything, no matter how far from what we hoped for. We can feel that reaching out for us in the way that they are able to.
I do hope that this does not disturb or exacerbate anyone's struggles, experiences.
I intend only to share that we can receive something even if it is not what we hoped for. We have to be open for anything.
Thank you for reading my thoughts.
