Controlling manipulating parents causing more stress than cancer treatments

[Daisy76]

Hi everyone,

i have been having cancer treatments for years and am in remission however my last appointment the specialist believes I have bone metastases so I am heading back to the city for a week long stay with 7 scans over 5 days. Ive already made one trip out to the city from the country and that means accommodation and travel expenses. A week long stay means I have to stay with my parents. I am an adult who lives alone in the country and I have been trying to distance myself from my immediate family for years now. They cause nothing but stress and their lies are too much for me to handle on top of all my other issues especially. I am leaving today but I feel physically sick to my stomach about going there. I feel more anxious about seeing them than I do the tests. For the first time in my life last week I didn’t tell them my plans that I will be going to the city. I just needed the space and wanted to turn an unpleasant medical appointment into something more positive by catching up with cousins and a friend. Also to have a change of scenery from home. When I told my mum about the tests and what the specialist said her first reaction was “you didn’t drop in to see us?” I explained I needed to process things. My father, has not spoken to me or even sent a text just to even acknowledge that cancer may have returned and if I am doing ok - nothing. Is this normal? I don’t think so. When I get there he will probably act as if he is struggling (ie it is always him that requires attention and I honestly dont have the energy for his relentless childish behaviour). I don’t have any where else to stay but I get so depressed and anxious there. They are so incredibly negative and abusive with their gaslighting. They lie then when I say that didn’t actually happen they respond with “oh, you forgot then” because they think my memory has been affected by chemo, it has been but not that bad! I literally said to my father a few weeks ago when he stayed a few nights at my house to help me with some handyman jobs that he offered to do “that really hurt when you said that about me” he responded with “I don’t f****ing care”. He then proceeded to pack up his car and leave without a goodbye. Its kind of scary. Then I get a text a few days later asking for forgiveness because he has asked god to forgive him so I should be able to also. I was going through my medical appointments and also had to euthanise my beautiful 12 year old dog so I just couldn’t respond. I sent him a text on fathers day saying Happy Fathers Day and thank you for the help. I couldn’t even bring myself to call him dad, he has never been there for me and shows zero support but he will say otherwise which has made me doubt my own experiences until these last few years when I could get away from them and see it for what it is. Its awful. How do I get through staying with them? If I go out they want to know where, with who, its ridiculous. 
sorry for such a long post.  

[MJG017]

Welcome to the forum @Daisy76.

Firstly, So sorry to hear you're battling cancer and the bad news that it may have spread.  Also, don't worry about the long post.  If I wrote about the frustrations and stress my family has caused me the past couple of years while battling my own cancer diagnosis, I would be typing away for most of the day!  Fortunately for me I don't have to rely on them for anything, so I don't have to constantly deal with them and the stress it brings.

The stress and mental strain of dealing with cancer just got too much for me and so I had to distance myself from them, just to put the stress into smaller blocks... deal with the ones I had to and get some break from the others.  In the two year I've been dealing with this, no one in my family calls me to see how i'm doing or asks if I need anything or... well, anything really.  I just hear from them when they need a favour, and even then my cancer just doesn't exist.  So I can completely understand how difficult it is to deal with them while going through such an incredibly stressful and worrying time in life.

As I said though, luckily I don't have to rely on them for anything.  I really don't know how I would deal with having to stay with them right now.  I'd probably seriously think about just sleeping in the car somewhere. 

I've talked about it with a couple of psychologists and they tell me that maybe my family is struggling in their own way to deal with it or think that I may want to not talk about it and just be treated like nothing is wrong... I've heard it all.  I'm not sure I buy any of it, but think that if they can't at least be bothered to ask how I'm doing every now and then, then they don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.  My mother wouldn't even be able to tell you right now what sort of cancer I had or any treatments I've had.  Except the initial surgery maybe because they came in to visit me for about 5 minutes while I was in hospital.  Okay... i'm starting to rant about them so I'll stop now.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, that must have been such a massive blow.  Obviously it is at any time, but at a time like that...  A few months ago I had to take my cat to the vet.  He had a small lump on is back.  The vet took a sample from it to check in the microscope and said he didn't like the look of it and surgery would be needed.  I had to leave him with the vet.  I walked out to the car, and as soon as I sat, I just broke down.  It wasn't long after my own bad test result and I just lost it.  Fortunately it was just some issue with a hair follicle or something and he was fine. 

I had issues my whole life feeling like I never had any support from any of them, which still has many long lasting affects even after just over 50 years of being around them.  So when I reached a really low point after that bad result, i just had to get rid of any extra negativity around me... I just could deal with any more than I already had.  So I made a conscious decision to separate myself from them.  I would still talk to them... if they ever called.  But I wasn't going to think about them or go out of my way to pretend to be all positive and happy around them like they seemed to expect.  As far as I was concerned they were just a bunch of people I grew up with around me.

Even writing it now, I accept a lot of people will think it makes me sound like a horrible person, but i'm the one that has to deal with all of this, so if you're not going to help and support me, even a little bit, your opinion means little to me.  Does it still bother and upset me?  Sure it does, but not as much as it did.  As far as they would know, nothing has changed.  If they ever sat down and talked to me, maybe they would know, but that's never going to happen.

So my advice is that if you have to stay with them, just do whatever you can to ignore what they say if it is something that doesn't help you.  Just nod and say "okay" and walk away... whatever works for you.  Just don't let them get to you.  Make the decision to not allow anything they say or do to upset you anymore.  You have such a lot to deal with without adding more to the pile, so give yourself that break.

It's not your fault they aren't being supportive or showing any understanding about your situation.  Do whatever you have to do to get though this massive mental battle.  Like I said, you don't have to get angry or mean to them, just let it all wash over you, reminding yourself they are then ones that need to change.  You are the one that needs an apology, not them.  Surround yourself with anyone that brings support and positivity to your life right now.

I really hope these scans have some good news for you.  I know it can very quickly get to a stage where it feels so dangerous to even hope for good news anymore but I just try to control what I can.  And I hope your family can start to see what you really need right now and give you that support.  The best of luck to you.  Feel free to post again and let us know how your going and feel free to write as much or as little as you wish.  Take good care of yourself Daisy and I'll keep a bunch of fingers and toes crossed for you with the scans.

[tyme]

Hey @Daisy76 ,

Welcome to the forums and sharing your story. I hear the stress you must be under to have to stay with your family. I'm guessing it's not helping with the situation either.

I'm not sure how the medical system works, but is there a way for your medical team to subsidise accommodation in the city? I'm not sure of your exact circumstances, but I was under the assumption that you CAN ask for supports with accommodation etc.

Why I'm saying this is that I'm guessing the stress can exacerbate things. As you said, you have more stress over being around your family that you do the tests themselves!

It's probably too late this time, but for the future? Is this something you can look into?

[Daisy76]

Thank you MJG017,

Im sorry that you have had to / are dealing with cancer also. Im very optimistic about no spread because all my symptoms began after my last big surgery but the drs are baffled as to the severity. One day at a time right now.

Your sleeping in the car comment resonated with me because I have considered that so many times. Its just so cold right now! Id still do it and having arrived here yesterday and my father muttered a short hello then sat in another room and still hasn’t even said anything about these urgent scans, I am thinking of doing just that. I would stay at a friends but she just had surgery so I dont want to intrude even though she has offered many times. 

in regards to the other post about paid accommodation that only works through PATS and only if you see a specialist. Then you can get up to $20 a night for accommodation I believe. The paperwork is tremendous and then you have to book an appt with the GP to sign their forms after the specialist signs and fills out theirs which they can get quite snippy about. I get it, its wasting their time seeing patients. Its an ordeal thats for sure but every bit helps. Definitely not enough reimbursement for me to book 5 nights though unfortunately especially when I am sedated for a few scans and can’t drive. 

Thank you for the warm welcome 🙂