Lived Experience Forum

[LonelyParent]

Hi not really sure how to start this or what I'm hoping will come from it. I guess just somewhere that maybe someone will listen to me for once.

I'm a ftm and have a beautiful 7 month old but I'm struggling with life so much. I've never experienced life with kids before and uts very different.

My husband and I keep fighting and many times he says he wishes he could just leave or be single, I can't say anything or else it's me causing arguments or not acknowledging My part in the argument. 

I'm starting to feel like just a part if the furniture and a nanny.

I've started working so I'm not home a few dats in week but the stress of coming home to still care gor a baby and try to clean cook meals etc makes me think is it worth working when im getting more exhausted, I'd quit but as my husbands work is so intermittent we need the $$.

I'm just so lost I have no friends, dont drive and just feel useless as a parent and wife. I don't know what to do anymore 

Anyway thanks for reading if you got to the end. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @LonelyParent and welcome to the forums. I want to acknowledge how difficult it is to reach out and how brave you are for sharing your story. Having a small baby and adjusting to life as a parent is not easy and I know I personally found it very difficult, so please know you are not alone. I'm hearing that you're feeling lost and exhausted and unseen. It's a really difficult and demanding time and it's understandable that you feel this way. You mention you feel worthless and I'm sorry to hear this. I see someone who is strong and courageous, as you are seeking support and that's really all you can do.

You mentioned that you don't have any friends, Have you joined a parents group through your local health clinic? This is something that helped me a lot with the feelings of isolation and adjusting to life as a parent. I didn't want to go at first, but I'm glad I did. Do you have much of a family support network? 

It might be worth reaching out to PANDA or Gidget Foundation  as they specialise in this area and may be able to give you some support. They are very kind and understanding. 

Please take care,

Paperdaisy 💝

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @LonelyParent

This is an amazing opportunity and it's just unfortunate that you don't know what you don't know.  

In a lot of areas, there are community play centres where mums and stay at home dads come together, the kids play and they have a chat.  Life changes hardcore when you have kids, but is also the best opportunity to make new friends and find growth. 

Is the financial stuff right at the forefront of why you guys are suffering in your relationship?  Can I ask how much of your time do you guys spend looking at what you don't have, and how much time do you spend cleaning up stuff that you do have and don't appreciate?

It's a great first step to be reaching out.. I would love it if you could take 5-10 minutes each day to tell us how you are going.. I know it seems hard right now, but i think you will look back in one year and see so much growth if you can look for the opportunity in your pain. 

[flybluebird]

Hi there @LonelyParent 

I can hear that there are some big changes that you’ve been going through and finding your feet in being a parent as well as navigating the relationship dynamic with your partner. 

For me I see that as a major life transition and really want to offer some support around the decision you made in being so open about how that is for you right now. Here on the forums there are many different experiences and perspectives that we each all have and being able to find members within a community that really understand and can walk alongside is really needed. Especially when accessibility to support groups or other such resources can be difficult at times.

I’m just wondering what your support network looks like outside of the forums space? and if either of the resources @Paperdaisy offered would be worthwhile looking at if you felt was suitable.

You really don’t have to feel like you’re doing this all on your own and I’m not sure if you have seen this other discussion thread which was from late last year that was active through the perinatal mental health week. It just came to mind as something that you may be able to connect in with some other members experiences or supports.
https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Perinatal-Mental-Health-Week-7-13th-November/m-p/1116326/highl...

Just wanted to finish up here by giving you credit for reaching out & hope you can connect in with more of the members who can relate in their own ways.

There is also the SANE help centre 1800 187 263 (10am-10pm mon-fri)  if you like the chance to speak with a counsellor over the phone.

For myself, It’s really about finding what supports me and each of us, best when going through these kinds of hard times.

Take good care 💜

Flybluebird

[Bow]

Hey @LonelyParent 

firstly welcome to the forums!

I’m a mum to a 6yr old and I remember when I first had my daughter so many things changed for me. Even though I was still in contact with some of my work mates, my social surroundings changed. It was hard to have an adult conversation without being interrupted by kids. I was mostly stuck at home doing household tasks and caring for my daughter. My body had changed and hadn’t bounced back at all. My daughter was a terrible sleeper and there was a lot tension between my now ex husband and I… plus a whole heap of other things. 

Becoming parents for the first time is such a huge change. I don’t think people realise this and don’t give themselves enough grace. 

I’d really encourage you to get out and connect with other mums. Whether that be playgroups, community groups, mops, even doing a search on Facebook for mums groups. My local area has a mums FB pages and there are often posts from first time mums asking to meet some new mums. Just being able to talk to someone who understands can help so much. 

This wasn’t the case for me, but I know many mums that have realised that they are actually a better parent when they work full time. Yes they have to put their kids into care, but those 2 or 3 days off for the weekend they are full connected and available for their kids, compared to struggling  7 days a week at home. If you feel like this is you, accept that and be ok with it. 

i feel like I lost myself in becoming a mum. I still don’t know who I am anymore. But that’s ok. I will find myself again some day. I’m slowly trying to get myself back into hobbies and activities that I enjoy. 
Is your husband a hands on dad? Can you leave bub with him for a bit and have some time to yourself just to be? Either go grab a coffee, go for a walk? I found having that time for myself every morning for a walk helped me so much. 

wishing you all the best @LonelyParent  and hoping that you don’t feel quiet as lonely here 🙂

[Sarah102]

Hi Bekind to yourself! Do one thing just for you everyday! You so don't have to be Superwoman. Give yourself one day every week out of the house baby free.Hell learn quick! How lucky he is to have you.!

[Owen45]

I can identify 100%, I been treated as worthless most of my life.  Just a cross that we have to bear. 

[flybluebird]

That sounds like a hard place to be @Owen45 
Sorry to hear that you can identify with a lot of what LonelyParent was speaking of.
Have you been able to connect in with other parents who can relate or feel some kind of support with?

There are various links in some of the posts that might be of reference if you like?

Here & listening

Flybluebird

[TideisTurning]

Hey @Owen45, 

Just wanted to pop by and say that you're not alone in your feelings of worthlessness, and I'm so very sorry to hear it's been a feeling that has been fairly constant for you throughout your life. It's such a heavy feeling to have to carry with you. I also wanted to say though that no one deserves that way. I will hold hope for you that the weight of this heavy cross you carry will lessen along with the impact. In the mean time, sending whatever strength you may need to get through, 

TideisTurning 🌺

[Shaz51]

Hello @LonelyParent 😀❤

How are you going today 

We are here for you