Running

[avant-garde]

@tyme

I find it frustrating when people try and problem solve my situation. 

I am a smart, intelligent and resourceful young woman who tries to reach out to people in her church and community so when people suggest that I try that, it causes me to feel angry that they seem to think I'm not trying. 

In fact it's the opposite that sometimes I don't have the energy or capacity to be stonewalled again. 

Because that's what they do. They have their lives and I have mine and they don't have time for me and if they do they give up on me anyway, that I'm too much drama. But I keep trying to the point of what could be considered insanity.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I honestly find it unhelpful as it seems to make the assumption that I haven't already tried.

[tyme]

Sorry, that was not what I meant.

I didn't meant to add salt to the wound. @avant-garde 

[avant-garde]

@tyme words are very easily misunderstood online and can depend on how it's read. I know I tend to read things defensively, especially in regards to my church because their shortfalls are very obvious when it comes to me and I get easily hurt by their actions because they lack lived experience and understanding. So the concept of reaching out to them, it's not for a lack of trying, it's for a lack of willingness and understanding on their part and right now I can't handle that.

I will never be a priority to them but I will likely also never leave, because I firmly believe that our God is and will continue to use me to reach them because I seem to be a trailblazer in that regard. 

[avant-garde]

I'm going to be sick

I must be nuts

How can I do this? 

How the heck can I do this? 

They want more detail

But maybe it'll be easier

Who am I kidding

Trauma is never easy

Police is never easy

I can't do this

I can't do this

But I'll hate myself if I don't

I'll hate myself more than I do

So much for healthy adult

Healthy adult doesn't break through my panic

It never has

Settle right? 

Settle? 

Like telling a kettle to boil

Not seizure territory

Let's at least try and avoid that

Need logic

Logic

Word puzzles

Math puzzles

Ok, get puzzle book

Puzzle book

Puzzle book

...

[tyme]

Hugs @avant-garde . Here for you.

[avant-garde]

@tyme morning

[tyme]

How are you today? @avant-garde 

[avant-garde]

@tyme feeling misunderstood, alone and hurt

How about you

[tyme]

Hugs @avant-garde . Anything I can do for you? I'm sorry you feel hurt and misunderstood.

[avant-garde]

@tyme they said they know it's difficult and taxing but they really have no idea. 

They had no idea about what baptism was

No idea what church was

No idea about how a Christian church functions

They assumed baptism was this massive gathering where 30-40 would be dunked at the same time

They assumed that the training involved parents and not just the event

They were clueless as to the basic principles of Christianity

And they're asking the person who was abused through it all what the proper processes are. 

Where frankly I'm still trying to figure it out myself.