Running

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

No, not for me to run... I would be the project... C wanted to set up a program to help me learn to take care of a house... to make it a home... cooking cleaning going through the stuff I have in storage...

It made me feel like I don't have a right to my own life...

if he saw me... if he saw me outside a church context... in my everyday life with people who take time for me and accept me and love me, not think they have some duty to fix me... he would see the beautiful thriving flourishing woman that I am... not the disadvantaged traumatised girl that needs fixing... he would see me

[Jynx]

Oh that's so much worse @avant-garde and the same kinda vibe hey, like you're an example instead of a person. I'm so sorry that they can't see your light shining, and choose to only look at your circumstances and push their ideas upon you. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

If I'm honest, it makes me feel sick.

the quotes on the previous page are what I said to him in response to the idea, he thought it would be easy, but because of all the relational scar tissue within the church, nothing to do with church will ever be easy because there are so many who don't see beyond the issues they perceive in me. Very few in the church ever really have.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde that sounds pretty painful hun, like you have fought so hard to carve out a decent life for yourself but they can't seem to see past your past. In a lot of ways, it's like they don't believe in your capacity to thrive, and rather than supporting your process, they want to 'save you from yourself' or something. It undermines your strength and makes it seem like you're just some damsel who needs saving. That's how it feels to me anyway. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

It's more like "there's something wrong with you if you're not like this... but we can help!"

Every church I've been in has been like this though. 

They've walked with me through 2 homelessness periods and after the recent one, they say how resilient I am, something they never saw before. 

A lot of them don't know what I've been through, they just see how I am on a Sunday and make their ducking assumptions.

Yes I'm withdrawn

Yes I'm scared

Yes I'm hurting

But that's not my everyday

That's just my Sunday. 

Every other day I am this completely different person who loves the community she's built around her and if you ask her about THAT, you'll see how beautiful she really is. 

You just need to care enough to see her.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde I hope you feel seen here hun. You're a wonderful constellation of experiences, not just your pain or your past. 

I just caught your poem too, really love it, and how you express yourself. Hehe nooooo not losing Go Fish!! 

Honestly, beautiful picture of those most meaningful moments - the little ones, the gentle ones, the menial ones, and the meaningful ones, they all make up so much more richness than how some people are choosing to see you. And that's their loss. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Our conversation inspired that poem. 

It really is a stark contrast too which I like

I do feel more seen here, I feel so much more than my trauma here

[Jynx]

This makes me so happy to hear @avant-garde 

Nighty night hun, ty for the chats 💜

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[avant-garde]

@Jynx?

I wanted to get your take on a conversation from a few months ago... it sits uneasy... how he treats me...

25-26 March

C: Hope your day went ok….

Re tomorrow… I’m still happy to catch up but it will need to be a bit later than originally planned I’m sorry…I have a job to attend to in the morning that I didn’t finish today… I’ll be back in the office around 12.00

Is there a time in the afternoon that suits you?

Me: Not particularly. Doctors, Chiro, Workshop

Me: I understand, I do, but there comes a point where the consistent cancellations and changes take a negative toll on me that i can't keep going like this. I'm trying but this isn't healthy for me or our relationship. 

I'm less inclined to make time for this because I never know if it's going to happen. I used to plan around meeting up with you but I've lost confidence that it'll happen. I'm sorry.

C: I’m sorry you feel that way…

I’d like to think my efforts with you have come from a genuine place and that I do really love and care about your wellbeing… life is busy and I have a family to support and sometimes job commitments come up that I need to attend to…

Me: I don't doubt your love and care for me and I do understand that your life is crazy busy.

I'm not saying that we stop meeting, I'm saying that we both need to be realistic about what we can commit to, whether it be a regular phone call or more spontaneity in this, like L and S do with me. 

What I'm saying is that in its current state it's too hard and something needs to shift because right now, this isn't working.

C: I’ll leave that up to you… I’m not your therapist or councillor but I know I do put a considerable amount of time aside for you… both physically and mentally….last week I didn’t cancel on you, it just didn’t suit you in the time I suggested… this week I didn’t cancel you altogether… I just wanted to change to the afternoon…. On the other side it’s positive that you do have lots of other commitments so that your days are full….

Me: I have never been under the assumption that you're my therapist or counsellor and I know you do set a considerable amount of time and energy into our relationship. I feel like this has gotten bigger than the initial request. I think we both need to take some time to reflect on our defensiveness and maybe talk about this in person on camp.

    This was the fourth time in a row that something got in the way...

[Jynx]

Initial reaction @avant-garde is that you expressed your needs, and he kinda flipped it back on you. Very much lacking any accountability or willingness to try to meet you halfway. I get a 'that sounds like a you problem' kind of vibe, and the 'accusation' (if you wanna call it that) that you're treating him like a therapist, again feels super defensive. Also, any time someone says "I'm sorry you feel that way" my hackles raise a bit, because it is NOT an apology. It has this 'oh well you're just overreacting to my completely reasonable behaviour' kind of vibe, and doesn't attend to or even acknowledge hurt feelings. 

I think calling a time out to reflect, and naming the defensiveness, was a good call.