Running

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

Can we talk through this week now?

[Jynx]

@avant-garde you're always more than welcome to share, of course hun. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

That comment wasn't helpful for the moment, given that it doesn't feel like I'm always heard when I share. 

And I just got hit with another blow

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@avant-garde wrote:

Oh yay! Let's just take another "choice" away from her! Let's just make it a whole church outreach activity and not give them the choice! 

I've done so many different outreach courses and I won't even be able to eat the food anyway! They made that blatantly obvious last time by giving me a plate of lettuce! I'm not a rabbit!

I'm taking KFC and they can shove it. 

If I have to sit there and watch a stupid video, be assigned a stupid group with again no choice with who I get flipping stuck with then I'm going to take advantage of the one choice I do have, what I eat for lunch and rub it in their faces.

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This one 

Turns out Delilah, the abuser from church wants to do it too and I may just be in the same group as her, but she'll likely be at church tomorrow

[Jynx]

@avant-garde 

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@avant-garde wrote:

@Jynx 

That comment wasn't helpful for the moment, given that it doesn't feel like I'm always heard when I share. 

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Would you be able to provide a little more clarity about this? I just wanna make sure I understand you fully before I respond, as I'm not sure what I have done that was unhelpful.  

I am sorry to hear you are going to be in a situation where this delilah person might be forced into the space with you. Sounds like a recipe for a very distressed avant-garde! My least fav kind 🥺

Will you have to cooperate, collaborate, communicate w her? Or can you pretend she's an annoying fly and just shoo her away? 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

When you said that I'm always welcome to share... I don't feel welcome to share when I feel like nobody is going to hear me... I know that I'm always welcome to share with you but not with everyone if that makes sense. 

The thing with Delilah is that she ticks all the boxes of psychopath, grandiose, pathological lying, manipulative. Can't exactly shoo that away.

I suspect my friends didn't proof read the message before he sent it, but if it was correct when he sent it, I just wouldn't go.

My trauma responses come out with her given what she did to me

[Jynx]

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@avant-garde wrote:

@Jynx 

When you said that I'm always welcome to share... I don't feel welcome to share when I feel like nobody is going to hear me... I know that I'm always welcome to share with you but not with everyone if that makes sense. 

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Hmm. So what happens when I'm not here? Or when I run out of time to respond, like I am about to right now? 

Are there other people you could tag? Other places you could share? 

Do you only feel welcome to share, if you know someone else is definitely going to respond? 

Tricky questions that don't need immediate answers, especially since I do gots to start saying goodnight. But we all have a need to feel heard, and I don't want yours going unmet.

Re; De-liar-lah, yes I see how a gentle approach isn't really sufficient. How you protect yourself may depend on what resources you have, supportive people who may be close, and the consequences of stuff like bailing or leaving early. She sounds like a piece of work ☹️

Shall I bid you adieu? Hugs and sweet dreams too!

[avant-garde]

@Jynx 

You're not the only one I tag, there is a lot of evidence of that and it hurts that your implied that I don't try and reach out to other people.

But in here? In this thread? It's different. 

This last week I needed to feel seen and heard and when I tagged people no one responded. I tagged others multiple times and nothing. I even tried to make conversation outside this thread and very minimal interaction. 

Goodnight Jynx.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde my apologies, the implication was unintentional. It came from the gut-wrench that occurs when I read that someone I care about has been suffering. My first instinct is always to want to fix, and that urge can manifest in suggestions that may not be accurate or welcome. 

As for the other stuff, perhaps a larger conversation for another day. 

Goodnight hun. 

[avant-garde]

@tyme 

you may just appreciate this...

I was outside last Sunday in a park near church and had been practicing my Psalm 139 memorisation from years ago. 

I was thinking how I recited this but didn't understand all of it so thought maybe as a part of my 365 days of poetry I could do a mini set of 24 days on Psalm 139...

Verse 7 - Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

everywhere I go 

your spirit is nearby

everywhere I wander 

you are by my side

your presence ever close

nearer my God to thee 

your footsteps like a ghost

when thou shalt carry me

dare I ever run from you

dare I ever flee

your spirit ever watchful

of where your child be

from childhood to now

your presence drew me in

your guidance ever watchful

no matter where I've been

thou shalt never leave me

for thou be by my side

spirit ever nearer

that I may never hide

every moment I'm awake

every dream within my sleep

my thoughts, words, actions

that thou be near to me

your spirit always present

no matter where I be

that you will never leave us

my God still nearer thee

you know I will continue

I know you'll guide my way

because to have the spirit with us

means you love beyond today

[tyme]

Amazing. I love the psalms. I start each morning with the psalms and it really helps me get through the day. 

@avant-garde 

My nephew is so cute. I went to see his bedroom the other day and he showed me he makes his bed every morning. Each day, he wakes up, makes his bed, read his kid's daily devotions book and prays. 

No one taught him this. He just does it. Puts me to shame seeing how ordered he is - he's only 6 years old....