Running

[avant-garde]

@Jynx?

... seizure

[Jynx]

With you @avant-garde, holding your hand 💜

[avant-garde]

@Jynx not alone

[Jynx]

@avant-garde I gotchu! *Soft hugs*

[avant-garde]

@Jynx the detail I had to go into yesterday... what my childhood pastors did to me, asking for every detail that I remember... how many steps, how deep were the steps, how many slats, why was it that I was so clever and so smart and I didn't manage to be heard? why did no one hear me? they asked me why no one heard me, why was I silent? having so many resources, why did no one hear me, why did no one save me. They asked me that. 

TW: sexual abuse

Content/trigger warning

 why when they were raping me, when my pastors and elders were raping me, why did I just do what I was told?

I didn't realise how brainwashed I was... I was a smart kid, was top of my class in many subjects and they noticed that, but when it came to asking why I didn't question it... I just kept saying "I just did what I was told"... almost robotically...

[Jynx]

@avant-garde 

🥺🫂

I think some people really don't understand what it means that 'humans are inherently social creatures.' Our ENTIRE survival system is based on our bonds with others. 

So when you were doing what you were told, you were surviving. That's why the 'fawn response' was added in addition to fight/flight/freeze - human beings will become VERY obedient when the alternative is the potential to have your access to commmunity removed. Because access to community IS survival. Being able to physically stay alive without a community around is a really modern phenomenon... when we were evolving, being alone always meant death. So nowadays, we will actively push ourselves into the WORST kinds of situations because our bodies tell us that if we don't, we end up alone, and thus we will not survive. 

That they didn't understand this is a great indictment on the systems and processes surrounding all of this - it is heinous to me that this resulted in you feeling like you had to justify the things you NEEDED to do back then. Because you should NOT be having to second guess your own survival behaviours darlin. You did what you had to do and anyone else would have done the same. 

[avant-garde]

@Jynx I was a kid that was groomed for this, I NEVER was taught what was appropriate! I didn't have the resources and the support that they were saying I had until 9 months later! After I got my first Bible! 

What I was raised in was called a church but they couldn't get their heads around me not having a Bible and not having proper Bible teaching.

I wasn't raised in a church! I was raised in a satanic cult!

[Appleblossom]

Just a gentle cooee @avant-garde 

I was wondering how you were dealing with dealing with the police and the specific questions they tend to ask.

take care 

apple

[Jynx]

@avant-garde 😡

Fierce-protector-mode activated... Grrrr, what the ACTUAL HECK!! It almost feels like they are judging your child self's actions as though you had your adult mind when it was all occurring. Like they're wagging a finger and saying 'well you should have known better'.

HOW. HOW CAN SOMEONE KNOW BETTER WHEN THIS IS ALL THEY'VE BEEN TAUGHT. 

Okay, I am taking breaths now. I hope it's okay I've shared my anger with you here. I am sorry that you were put through all of that yesterday. 

*pulls you into another hug*

I'm off soon just FYI, and I won't be back round till next Wednesday. Hmm... need like, a hug delivery system. So that you still get hugs each day even when I'm not on! Hahaha no idea what that would look like but I want one

[avant-garde]

@Jynx they were naive about trauma defence mechanisms which just made me further believe that it was hopeless, they're not going to get it anyway...

I may have been smart but I was still a child experiencing devastating and extreme trauma...

Anger just tells me that what they thought and how they acted want right and that I'm worth defending, so it's all good

*settles slightly*

I'm sure Wallace and Gromit had a hug machine

But you'll just owe me hugs next Wednesday this way