Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sol_87]

Hello,

I wonder if anyone can help me in the process of reframing how I talk about my brother to my friends and acquaintances. 

I don't believe in talking badly of people behind their backs, and I never have. So, I think that is why I feel so incredibly shameful and guilty when I open up to people about the reality of the impact of my brother on my family.

Today someone at work was talking about family issues after a parent has passed, and how the kids can bicker and lose touch due to disagreements with the will. I said something to the effect of 'I shudder to think about how my brother is going to behave if my parents pass before him and/or I'

It wasn't so bad until another coworker asked what my brother did, and I told them, but then added that he is 'pretty mean to our parents and his children'.

After I said it I felt this sickness in my stomach. I think it is because I really don't feel comfortable talking about people behind their backs, but I am just not sure what to say about my brother. His impact on our family is pretty huge and he has alienated many people in my family due to his behaviour.

It is also hard to mention him without thinking about all the pain he has caused.

He talks badly about me behind my back to both my parents and his children (they tell me), so presumably, he talks about me badly to everyone. It just doesn't feel right to me, and I need to build a new story so that I can tell my friends and acquaintances about him, without running him down.

Can anyone help me develop a new story?

Thanks!

🙂

[wellwellwellnez]

From my observation, I don't have issue with the way you phrased your family situation. It's not that uncommon to have elements of abuse in any family. Seems important to me to be able to have healthy discussions about life when living.

In situations like you describe, I sometimes like to add phrases like "there's complicated aspects" and/or "from my perspective". Those kind of qualifiers (or reminders) tend to both help with framing and demonstrate the will to consciously frame.

I like your commitment to doing things the right way. Tends to be a heck of a protective factor.

[TuxedoCat]

Heya @sol_87, nice to e-meet you!

Firstly, it sounds like, despite the impact your brother has had on you and your family, you have really strong values and principles that you don't want to cross. And that's a really big thing given the circumstances ❤️ 

I agree with @wellwellwellnez, I think they're great tips. 

It sounds like it might be more within your values to speak about your own experiences and the impact your brother had on you, rather than him as a person. Have you heard of non-violent communication? There might be same useful things in the framework for that? Here is a link to a summary.

Is this useful for you?