05-12-2018 06:21 PM
I am waiting for a bed in a psych hospital. It is taking every nanogram (I made that word up, don't try to sound smart using it to a scientist) of my energy to get through this. I'm not ending my life at all. I'm just in a really difficult headspace.
I'm throwing all my meds up, even antinausea pills. So I'm effectively off my medications now- mood stabilisers, antidepressants, thyroid meds, migraine preventatives, sedatives to get to sleep, etc. The throwing up is stress.
I've been laying in bed perfectly still trying to gather energy to move. I have Conversion Disorder (among many diagnoses mostly trauma related) which causes weakness and paralysis when I get overwhelmed. Holding my phone typing with one finger is my huge success at moving. My admitting dr called today to say I should be in hospital by the weekend.
I just want to lament that this is agonisingly torturous. I just want to be heard.
Please don't suggest breathing- that's a trigger of mine. I thought of going to an ED but I don't have the energy and I couldn't cope with it at all now.
I've been trying to distract with Netflix and podcasts but not even that is making a dent now.
I'm just at my zombie end of functioning and wanted to be heard.
Please don't worry. I've survived every day of my life already. I'm strong and not suicidal. I'm just scared of completely shutting down and being unreachable in my shell. I feel myself shutting down like my generator is dying. What happens when I am completely paralysed? I'm scared of that.
05-12-2018 07:49 PM
06-12-2018 08:36 AM
07-12-2018 01:15 PM
Hope that bed comes through soon.
I have been researching conversion disorder and it sounds similar to what I was going through in the late 1980s early 1990s. Most horrendous period of my life.
Because there are so many diagnoses floating around me in the family, doctors have been wary of adding another label which may have been nice but meant I did not get much treatment or support.
I used to have all sorts of triggers like "Breathe", but I am better now at detaching or is that not a good thing ... It can be all so confusing.lol
09-12-2018 09:36 PM
@Twerp. I'm hoping by now that you got a bed at hospital and are in a safe place. Thinking of you
09-12-2018 10:35 PM
09-12-2018 10:49 PM
09-12-2018 10:52 PM
09-12-2018 11:19 PM
@Twerp I am glad you have decent support at hospital and a good friend and NDIS worker. That is really great.
I may have to tie the doctors down to do proper diagnoses soon. My psychologist said the psychiatrists rarely use questionnaires or tools for diagnosis, but I attended a disability employment service and they sound like they want it all properly documented. We will see what happens.
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