Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Weary33]

I think my wife has a personality disorder.  Its taken me years and years of searching for answers to get to this point.

The main pieces of the puzzle have come together just recently via some books that I read, some online stuff and my daughter relating a conversation she had with her counsellor regarding her Mum.

I dont think my Wife would ever accept she has anything like that wrong with her although she knows she gets anxious or depressed at times.

She's against couples therapy (been there done that).  I cant say much more to her as Im pretty sure she'll accuse me of gaslighting.

Im kind of living two lives at the moment.  One trying to keep things on an even keel at home.  The other, secretly trying to figure out my options for the future.  

The stress and uncertainty are doing my head in

Im wondering if anyone else has been in this situation or has some advice about which way to jump?

[Bee36]

Hey @Weary33, i do have some of my own experiences to share. I literally had to leave my home (temporarily) with my children to get my husband on board to seek help. I told absolutely everybody his parents my parents, friends, what was happening at home I didn't care anymore I just needed help. I think if they don't see the issue and things don't change after trying to speak to them about it,  you may have to try a different approach to get them to see how seriously it is affecting your lives. I can relate to the living 2 lives thing as I quite often experience that myself. If you have gotten to that point then you know you need some intervention. I don't think couples therapy would work alone, if there is an undiagnosed underlying disorder somewhere as that would need to be addressed and treated. Maybe then therapy. I too had been there done that and my husband just exploded at therapy and walked out the room. However my husband is now being treated for a personality disorder and although its very early days and barely anything has changed, I have more knowledge as does he, and its a start. I hope you somehow get the ball rolling...this site has been wonderful for me sharing my own experiences reading other people's experiences and you get some great advice also. It's really helped me mentally to get things out and share and see how many other people there actually are with similar experiences so that you don't feel so alone.

[Weary33]

Hi @Bee36 

Many thanks for your reply.  I actually feel a bit emotional to be talking to someone from the outside world about this.  My daughter28 and her hubby and my son 26 are the only people that really know my wife in relation to this.  My daughter and son in law just moved away from us (about 5 hours away) and my Son is just about to leave for Canada with a one way plane ticket and 2 year work visa.  Im really happy for them both and relieved as well.  Our family relationships have taken a toll on them both. I am able to talk about that with them thankfully and they are doing well.

I had individual counselling last year at my wifes suggestion for my mood swings.  Previously Ihad been very protective of her behavoiur but this time I just told my psych everything. 

At this time I came across a guy on youtube talking about covert narcissistic behaviours.  I shared this with my daughter who told me her councillor had told her it sounded like my wife had some kind of personality disorder.  Ive been searching for answers for 30 years so this is all a pretty big deal for me.  

More to follow.  Thanks again. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Weary33 just a quick tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've replied, you can tag them using the @ symbol and choosing their name from the drop down (or typing it out to select it) so it shows up in blue, like this: @Bee36 

Hope this helps!

[Weary33]

Thanks @Jynx
Good tip!

[Bee36]

For sure it's a huge thing to start opening up @Weary33 hopefully getting some of it out to the outside world actually helps even if its just a little,...I think when we keep something so complicated inside us for so long it just eats away at you and can really mess you up. Having your children move so far away must be hard? Although you said you are relieved is that because they will be further away from whatever is happening? It's good you opened up to your psych, im guilty of protecting my husbands behaviour also, been to a few psychs myself over the years but always kept the issues that were really affecting me to myself and instead blamed my stress and anxietys on other things. I would do that for so many reasons, like its so complicated when i begin to even try to unpack it all.

Your most welcome good luck I hope things get a little easier for you !