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Something’s not right

AlwaysHappy
Senior Contributor

Think I need to share

I am 43, repartnered and have 4 children ages 15 down to 2. My two oldest (girls) were sexually, physically and emotionally abused by their birth father after we separated (but possibly before also). I knew that he had drug, alcohol, violence and infidelity issues towards the end of our relationship, but I never thought he would have hurt his own children. I unsuccessfully tried to get full custody after the split, but it took another 5 years and my eldest finally coming forward about the sexual abuse before I got custody.

My girls suffer PTSD. They have both had suicide attempts. They both have poor school attendance due to severe anxiety and depression. One was anorexic but now over eats and the other barely eats at all and is losing weight and looking drawn. Neither sleep well (flash backs, bad thoughts, nightmares) and use screen time as an escape (I try so hard to get them out doing fun things at every opportunity). A family camping trip I'd planned went terribly wrong when I had to drive the younger one home because she had a psychotic episode being in an unfamiliar place and felt that she was either going to stab herself or her grandmother. I didn't want to tell my parents this, so just left my dad feeling angry and disappointed in me for "letting her get her own way".

The girls have been attending counselling weekly for around 4 years. We have made some progress, but it is so slow.

My life has become very small and consumed. My partner tries, but gets frustrated. My parents are getting old and can't help a lot. I work (juggling bringing the girls with me, working from home or chancing leaving them home when they are having a 'good day'). I rarely see friends and if I feel that the girls will be okay, I occasionally leave them with their step dad and get out for a 30 min run (my saviour).

I try to remain positive and when they are doing well, I feel like I am walking on air with joy. When either of them are not well, I feel like I am at the bottom of a pit of despair. My mental health suffers and I just cry for them any moment I get alone.

My son, 10 and youngest daughter 2, don't get the best of me, although I try to be super mum. My partner is sad and I think resentful of the time spent with the girls - especially the night times. 

Sometimes I feel I have lost who I am. It has been so long since I have been out or done something for myself other than the running. I am scared to leave them for long in case something happens. My partner is not always well equipped to help them.

Is anyone else in a situation like me?

How can I help my girls to know that although what happened to them was worse than horrendous, they can still live their life and even use their experience one day to help others.

Will I ever be able to regain my life a little? I feel that no-one I know could understand and I see people doing 'normal people things' and cry because they don't know how lucky they are.

Long post. Sorry, needed to get it out. Have been wanting to tell someone my story for some time.

 

17 REPLIES 17

Re: Think I need to share

ohhhh @AlwaysHappy , sending you lots of tender hugs my friend

and to let you know that you are not alone

there are lots of carers here to

is it ok if I tag you to a thread called carers hints and tips xxx

Re: Think I need to share

soo glad you have shared your story @AlwaysHappy 

I am glad I did 4 years ago

@Former-Member, @Appleblossom , @Faith-and-Hope 

Re: Think I need to share

Sorry to read your story but it was right that you posted it.  Cant say much as overwhilmed by my own stuff at the moment. 

JUst posting a pic

LUNARIS__29.jpeg

Re: Think I need to share

Thank you for sharing your story @AlwaysHappy, we're sorry to hear about what you are going through. Is there anyone that you can talk to about this - perhaps a GP who can put you in touch with resources for yourself? As a carer, it's important to look after yourself and self-care isn't just about exercise or taking time out, it's about looking after your own mental health. Heart Reaching out and getting help is going to make you stronger and more resilient, which your family will benefit from. P.S You really are a super mum! 

Re: Think I need to share

@Ali11 thank you for reminding me of that. I have been thinking about talking to someone, but each time I almost get there, I just don't follow it through. I am not sure why. I do agree that my mental health affects my kids too, so if I am good, I can be better for them.

Re: Think I need to share

Thankyou @Appleblossom . You are lovely to reach out to me when you are overwhelmed yourself. That requires a lot of heart. The picture is very beautiful. Here is one for you too. I have held this card close many times.IMG_20190428_155224.jpg

 

Re: Think I need to share

You're welcome @AlwaysHappy! It's good that you're thinking of reaching out for help and support. Have you thought about what's stopping you from following through?

Re: Think I need to share

hello @AlwaysHappy , how ar you today xxx

Re: Think I need to share

@Shaz51 I'm okay thank you for asking. I have just had appointments at both of my daughter's schools to negotiate their attendance plan for this term. Feeling a little exhausted, but hopeful.

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