Struggling: TW suicide

[Oggmo]

I hear ya. Sounds familiar. I've been nursing (hiding, mostly) suicidal depression for 46 years. Does it get better or easier? Well, the older I get (read: the closer I get to a possible natural death), the more I think about death: the more I think 'What's the point?'. I am loved by my teenage children. I am loved by my students and (some) colleagues. I find in relationships, partners start sensing the darkness in me, and eventually (or just quickly) leave. 

One thing that has helped me... I'm overwhelmed by tears mostly every day and have been for some years now. I had a teenager hospitalised with psychosis and another alienated by depression in the last year or so... At some stage in my own blubbering fits of 'Why is this happening to me!? This can't go on!...' I had to stop intellectually judging myself as wrong... the crying fits are uncomfortable, yes, debilitating, yes, and exhausting... but they are not bad... When I finally convinced myself that: They are a gift, and I am fortunate to be a man in contact with his emotions... things began to shift a bit... After 46 years I am finally committed to no longer being slave to depression and anxiety (easier said than done, I know)... so why am I here, sharing this? Some days are easier than others... 

Today... just getting through the day... wondering what impetus I can muster to justify my continued existence on the planet... until tomorrow... back at work... I'm much happier there at work. Loved and respected.Today just looking for ways to deal with what I'm going through... 

[creative_writer]

@Oggmo thank you for sharing your experience. Depression and anxiety are hard to battle. Some days it feels like I’m just barely surviving like today, I am trying to find reasons to keep myself safe but it’s hard when things feel pointless. Sometimes there are no words to describe how much pain one feels. I wish I felt more comfortable crying and being in touch with my emotions, I only feel safe to be vulnerable alone and I live with my family so can’t really let myself be vulnerable. Emotions keep building up.

I’m glade you feel better at work. Sometimes weekends can be hard for some people.

[Oggmo]

I usually feel better after a cry, like dispelling unwanted energy, especially now as I deem cries as not bad. My three favourite places to cry are: the ocean, the shower, and while driving.

My teenage boys see me cry when they are around. I'm not ashamed to let them. I believe letting them know others get vulnerable and learn how to deal with it, is beneficial for them, especially as they are learning how to come up with strategies in dealing with their own depression and anxiety now and into the rest of their lives... but I completely understand how difficult it is to be open with uncomfortable emotions.

I was on an escalator going down in a shopping centre the other day, looking at another man on the up escalator, thinking hard into his face "What's YOUR reason!? What keeps YOU deciding to keep living each day?" By the time I got to the bottom of the escalator, I'd decided that my purpose in life is to become a better man, keep doing this work, and hopefully let that filter into those around me. Some days are harder than others. It doesn't mean I always feel like I have a reason to live every day. I have to keep doing the work of accompanying neutral or positive mental judgements with my uncomfortable (I won't say 'negative' anymore) emotions. it is my most significant work, and takes great effort and fortitude.

Hope this helps.

[creative_writer]

@Oggmo I do feel better after crying. I think it is important to teach kids that it's okay to be vulnerable or they end up retreating and keeping things in. I grew up being told I was too sensitive and cried too much so now I hate crying in front of people. I do think if I was to have kids in the future, I would teach them that it is okay to be vulnerable and upset.

I do think having a purpose helps but sometimes I feel like that purpose turns into void. I start second-guessing myself and wondering if I am capable of helping other people. I have my own mental health issues, how do I become stable enough to help other people?

[tyme]

Hey @Oggmo - thank you for posting. I found your post very uplifting - the idea of 're-framing' the situation in order to help oneself out of it.

Your post really encouraged me 🙂

Hi @creative_writer 

[tyme]

I hear you @creative_writer - I have certainly felt the same in the past.

[creative_writer]

Hi @tyme I don't know why I insist on telling my mum I am frustrated if we are only going to argue. I don't think she can help me but she wants me to try her again. I'm not taking chances of feeling misunderstood again.

[tyme]

you are welcome to respectfully vent here if you think it helps 🙂 No one is here to judge @creative_writer .

As for your mum...it sounds like she's only doing a mother's job. 

Like me, I sort of don't speak to my mother much because she just straight into mother-mode which is not healthy for either party.

I guess it is about picking your battles 🙂

[creative_writer]

@tyme I just get frustrated. Like I need to talk to someone but can’t. It’s annoying why I feel like I need to. I just need validation, a hug and a safe place to cry. Can’t I just validate myself, hug and cry on myself?

[tyme]

You can validate yourself @creative_writer but you must learn the skills to do this. I can't rely on people to validate me, hence I have worked on skills to re-frame situations and give myself the validation I need - instead of expecting others to provide it.

You can't do something you don't know how to do. And you won't know you don't know how to do something unless you are told 🙂

Sitting with you.