So apparently I should go to the hospital

[Twilightsomniac]

I'm struggling inside but not showing it on the outside because I don't want to go back to the hospital and I don't want to go see a clinical psychiatrist like everyone wants me to because they think I need stronger meds and a complete mental health review done

I don't mind anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication it does lesson my anxiety but what I don't tell people is I have visual and auditory hallucinations and the voices are worse they mess with my cptsd and panic disorder. And the line between hallucinations and reality is pretty blurred lately it's hard to tell what's real

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Twilightsomniac 

It must be really isolating to be keeping these things to yourself. I'm glad that you feel comfortable sharing here, though I'm curious why you're not wanting to explore different medications at the moment, or to have a mental health review? Are there any specific worries or previous experiences that are holding you back?

Also just a quick note that we had to remove the specific medication name in your post, in line with our community guidelines. 

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @Ru-bee 

My mother and father in-law have already started to question if I'm safe to be around my own children after my last stint in the mental ward and my psychologist and GP believe I show signs of paranoid schizophrenia and my psychologist said I'm in the right age range for something like that to manifest and I have family members on my mother's side that have different schizophrenic diagnosises. 

I also don't want to be like my mother where my mental health gets in the way of my kids having childhoods. My mother went in and out of hospital, had 8 attempts from when I was 7. And I witnessed every one of them and was usually the one to call an ambulance for her.

But it seems the older I get the worse my head gets.

[Ru-bee]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through and witnessed as a child @Twilightsomniac I can understand why that would lead you to want to protect your own children. It must be confronting, and quite frightening to hear that you are in the range for paranoid schizophrenia, particularly given these past experiences.

What do you feel like your childhood might have been like if your mother didn't have those hospital stays when she needed them? 

[Twilightsomniac]

@Ru-bee, I know she needed to go, but I went in and out of foster care while she went between hospital,  rehab and lock up. 

But I suppose it didn't matter if I was with her or in foster care I was still abused just different ways

[Ru-bee]

It sounds like both scenarios resulted in some traumatic situations for you @Twilightsomniac again, I'm really sorry to hear that you went through that.

Already from the care and concern that you've expressed for your own children it sounds as though you are treading a different path to your mother. Do you think that there's a way for you to accept more support while also protecting your children? 

[Twilightsomniac]

@Ru-bee right now I don't know but I know if I wasn't worried about my kids I would have retreated inside my head years ago and let my alters run the show I'm so sick of having to fake joy when I should naturally feel joy and happiness. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being watched or someone is going to attack me or something bad is going to happen. I'm sick of hearing voices, hearing people say things even though they didn't and seeing things like I'll be holding my one year old and then see him run past me these things last barely a couple of seconds and even if I'm holding my son I have trouble telling if it's real or not. My voices really play on it too like it's my son's evil twin. I really have to focus on the fact I'm holding my son and ignoring the voices. I use my grounding techniques but what happens if I can't tell the difference between reality and hallucination. I actually sh last night just to establish reality. I don't know. I'm going back home today and I'll probably go see my mental health support worker at the hospital but I usually just tell them I don't feel good Ive never told anyone I have hallucinations. They know about the voices and alters and cptsd and other stuff im already diagnosed with 

[Ru-bee]

It sounds like its so exhausting @Twilightsomniac not to mention confusing

I can really understand your concerns about sharing this with your supports, however I hear how hard this is to be managing on your own. I'm really glad that you've felt safe enough to share this here, I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing to do

[Alisse]

Hi @Twilightsomniac 

I'm really sorry to hear how much your'e struggling right now.  It sound so hard to feel like you have to keep everything together on the outside while you're hurting so much on the inside.  That sounds exhausting.

I hear part of whats holding you back from reaching out for help is not wanting to go to hospital and I completely understand that hesitation.

I've had both voluntary and involuntary admissions myself and I know it's not easy.  There can be a lot of fear and anxiety around it.

That said, I want to gently suggest the idea that the people around you may be suggesting support because they care about you, your wellbeing, mental health and your children.  And I get that sometimes, especially when we're unwell, it does'nt always feel like this,  but I'm sure their hearts are in the right place.

In my experience, mental health professionals enter the profession from a place of compassion, guided by strong legal and ethical boundaries and they want the best for you.

You shared about your difficult experiences growing up with a mother who was mentally unwell, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

The fact that you don't want that for your children, shows you have a good level of self awareness and you're commitment to their safety and wellbeing.  That's something you should be proud of, your'e a good mum.

You also mentioned halluncinations, and I want to gently encourage you to seek a professionals advise about this.  Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because it is causing you concern and the support could bring you some relief and be helpful for you.

You bravely shared your family history with schizophenia and the age related risk you are aware of.  This is a concious and responsible approach, I think it's wise to stay mindful and curious about what's going on. 

Reflecting on what you have shared, I want to express the importance of self care, be kind to yourself right now.  Make sure you are getting quality sleep, eating well, getting some exercise or outdoor time, connecting with supportive family and friends and limiting stress.

I hope you feel surrounded by people who care and are supportive of you while you are feeling so vulnerable.  Please be gently with yourself.

Sending nourishing thoughts

Kindly Alisse.

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @Ru-bee and @Alisse,

It's definitely been difficult. I'm currently torn between holding it together and just letting myself fall apart