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24-05-2022 12:52 AM - edited 24-05-2022 01:00 AM
24-05-2022 12:52 AM - edited 24-05-2022 01:00 AM
Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Part of me wanted to ask this question in the Schizophrenia Awareness Week CONNECTING WITH HOPE thread elsewhere in the forum, but I didn't want to hijack a thread intended for schizophrenics to share their stories with something that is more focussed on my own woes, which don't have anything to do with schizophrenia.
Besides, this question is really relevant to any and all who have the deck stacked against them in terms of social stigmata.
Of course, I've always been (reasonably) aware of how heavily stacked the deck is against schizophrenics, but even before reading that thread, I had heard several stories of them attaining surprisingly good lives; including marriages and decent career success, such as a professorship.
And knowing how unfavorable the broad social perceptions are towards them, I just don't get how that works. I mean, how does a schizophrenic person end up in a good relationship? I just can't envision two women chatting in a cafe, with one saying: "I totally want to set you up with my neighbor Justin! He's awesome! He's got schizophrenia!" Nor can I see her setting her friend up with Justin, without disclosing Justin's schizophrenia.
Maybe I've just gone my whole life being stuck in the dregs of the human compassion spectrum without even knowing it. But in my experiance, the world isn't that kind. There are plenty of people who preach/virtue-signal messages of compassion, tollerance and acceptance from their podiums and iPhones. But the real world tends to turn it's nose up at people who it percieves as being "wrong" or "broken" in any noticeable way. There's this unspoken understanding that such "abnormals" aren't deserving of essentials such as love or career fulfillment.
Which leads me in to my own confounding mystery of how people who have decks that were stacked far more against them then my own are able to end up with lives that are so much better then my own? How do they end up with partners/spouses, families, and decent jobs that they genuinely enjoy, when the odds are stacked so badly against them? I find that when I read their stories, it often appears to occur simply by magic. Like an epilogue, they list off the fixtures of their good lives at the end of their stories, but there's no details whatsoever on how these things actually manifested.
I guess I can understand that, because it's usually quite personal stuff that they mightn't feel comfortable in sharing. But I'm still stuck with those mysteries gnawing away at me. Would understanding their good fortune help me to replicate it in my own life?
In many ways, my own poor situation is understandable. I am a member of a couple of groups that are commonly descriminated against. But even within those groups, I know that there are numerous people who have done much better then me. So I remain mystified. I tend to chalk it up to the fact that I've had very few truly compassionate, helpful people in my life. But I just can't help but feel like there should be some sort of secondary failsafe; another safety net to catch the people in crisis when their family/acquaintances let them down. I used to naievely assume that that failsafe was the mental health system, but it turns out it isn't.
If such a failsafe does exist, I've never struck it.
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24-05-2022 10:11 AM
24-05-2022 10:11 AM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Hello @chibam,
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and lived experience with the community. I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to speak honestly and vulnerably. From reading your post, I can see how important community and connection is to you. This I can relate deeply to as it has been the cornerstone to my recovery and wellbeing. I hope that you find the community and connection you yearn here on the SANE forums.
Thank you
ButterflyBeauty
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24-05-2022 04:10 PM
24-05-2022 04:10 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Hey @chibam thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing some of your story here. I don’t have any answers but I can relate to alot of what you have said. It’s really hard to make meaningful relationships when you have mental health issues impacting your life… for a lot of reasons, some really obvious, some not. I find it really hard myself, I find that people who don’t have mh issues just don’t get it and often don’t want to even try, which is really sad. Before my current mental health issues reared it’s ugly head, I had a lot of great relationships, I felt part of a community. I don’t anymore. I feel very alone…… and I can’t even begin to image trying to find a relationship with the opposite gender and how complicated that would be.
I hope that you find some kind of community here, I know I do.
🎀
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24-05-2022 06:14 PM
24-05-2022 06:14 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Hi @chibam
I was one of those who wrote their story on the schizophrenia thread. Since it was for messages of hope, I didn't get too real and tried to inspire others with mi that life can go on and wellness can happen. Before reading your post here just now, I had reflected on my post as a lot of broken relationships scatter my life history, even recently, and I didn't get to that detail. The brutal truth is it's still so stigmatised that I keep my diagnosis to myself in the main. Ppl are none the wiser and if we become close friends or start a relationship then I disclose. I got lucky and married and had kids but it's been a rough journey. I don't like to dwell on the crappy stuff as I am easily depressed. I'm separated currently and will likely remain single forever as I doubt that I can get lucky twice.
I guess the other thread shares hope in a space for people living with a fairly devastating illness. I hope this makes sense and helps in a way.
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24-05-2022 06:31 PM
24-05-2022 06:31 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
I think its probably a good area for further research about how and/or who is able to find those elements of a 'good life' and what that really looks like. For me when i notice or hear about the people who have 'made' it through serious mental health challenges, especially the poster children so to speak that are often in the articles or blogs there is often a lot of reference to the levels of support and close connections that the person has fairly consistent access to. Family/friends/formal or professional supports and an acknowledgement that its not a linear all ok, all of the time situation but there are the supports and structures in place to 'catch' and support as needed. Unfortunately i also dont see that level of support or compassion in the world and maybe some are just lucky or remarkably resilient in other ways.
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24-05-2022 06:44 PM
24-05-2022 06:44 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Hi @Patchworks,
I just wanted to acknowledge and thank you for your consideration of the intention of that discussion space, but also affirm that your whole story, negatives and all, is important and valuable, so I want to encourage you to share that too, if and where you feel comfortable. I feel like real is important too because it can show others who may be going through darkness or struggle that they are not alone in those experiences. They are not the only one.
You and anyone else reading along here are more than welcome to join the Topic Tuesday discussion on Schizophrenia happening next week if you would like to. 😊
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24-05-2022 08:01 PM
24-05-2022 08:01 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
Thank you, @ButterflyBeauty , @Bow , @Patchworks , @Millieme & @TideisTurning . 🙂
I have often pondered the point that some of you have alluded to; that all these examples of hope we hear are promoted by an unscrupulous marketing machine with an agenda. Much like Lotto rigorously promoting the good fortune of it's $100M jackpot winner, without ever giving proportionate coverage to the thousands of people who have ruined their lives via gambling addiction; and the millions more who have, to a more trivial degree, wound up poorer for having invested in the Lotto system. They don't show you the real picture because they don't want people to make smart decisions; they just want to sell tickets.
Likewise, the powers-that-be in the mental health/suicide field don't want people to make smart, informed decisions; they just want them to stay alive. So they peddle a narrow, yet very loud message of guaranteed hope and sweep all inconvienient truths under the rug.🙁
@Millieme Yes, as you say, being born into very supportive environments is probably the key to it all, as I feared. If you don't just automatically have good family/friends, ect., your basically screwed.☹️
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24-05-2022 09:05 PM
24-05-2022 09:05 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
I'm hearing from what you're saying @chibam that hearing the whole story is important, rather than broadcasting or focusing on only parts.
I'm also getting the sense that you may've had some really invalidating experiences trying to talk about suicide previously, where the harder aspects of what you were going through were dismissed. I'm so sorry. I do want to encourage you to reach out if and when you really need it. Yes, there are those who may shy away from the topic, but there are others out there who will respond with care and compassion. I will hold hope that you can find those workers and people who will provide the validation and support you deserve in those times.
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25-05-2022 03:05 AM - edited 25-05-2022 02:37 PM
25-05-2022 03:05 AM - edited 25-05-2022 02:37 PM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
@TideisTurning wrote:I do want to encourage you to reach out if and when you really need it.
Where?
I need help; I can't say that emphatically enough. I've needed help for the past 20 years. But where the hell is it? The mental health system doesn't offer real help.
There's a thing called psychosocial support which I can't get a clear definition of; and hence I have no idea whether or not it's what I need. In any event apparently you need to either be disabled or have some mental health condition in order to access it, and if that weren't enough of a roadblock, I can't find anybody who offers it in my area anyway. Even leaders of the modern changes to the mental health system can't offer me a clear picture as to whether of not their what I'm looking for.
Then there are other suggestions that what I'm really waiting for is for one of these "community mental health hubs" - essentially a clone of a certain unnamed mental health service, but for older people (I can't name the service as this post was previously nixed by mods when I did) - to be built in accessable proximity to me. Again, I can't get any clear picture of this, as I've only heard vague suggestions that the unmentioned service offers real help to it's patients. I've heard a fair bit of commentary that paints said service in an unflattering light; mostly leaning towards it being useless. So I don't know how optimistic I should be about it's older-person clone.
I don't want to talk about how life sucks and how I'm better off dead. I want the problem fixed. Now naturally, I am happy to talk about my problems and required solutions if that talking is a means to an end, i.e. getting the problem fixed. But plenty of people seem to expect me to view talking as an end in and of itself.
Sorry, not interested. I'm fed up with meaningless chatter. It's a real solution, or nothing for me. And if I can't get that, I think it's time for the rest of the world to own up and admit that the help it loves to promise naieve victims doesn't actually exist at all.
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29-05-2022 12:37 AM
29-05-2022 12:37 AM
Re: Seriously - How Do People End Up With The Essentials Of A Good Life?
I really liked your post - hit the nail on the head.
My opinion of the mental health system is that like all organisations those with resources (money) get the most attention. When I first became unwell I was highly medicated and my psychiatrist gave his patients a 15 minute appointment. At this time I was very isolated , I lived with my parents and my sister would visit me fortnightly for abuse sessions. All this was disclosed to my psychiatrist who would simply increase my meds. Had I been able to pay for a psychologist I’m sure I would have been given some kind of strategy to deal with the abuse.
My problem now as I approach my mid 50s is hindsight and knowing I was a victim of neglect. My sister, after my parents passed away , took me to the Supreme Court because she didn’t like that the Will gave me a place to live.
I think support is really important and family counseling essential .
It’s really late I can’t think straight sorry