Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

@Former-Member  Yeah for sure, tag away. Cheers for all the support.

uh yeah, sounds like things are pretty intense for you guys right now. Must be difficult though living with your ex when you've got other stuff going on, but I guess in your case it's been a good move if it's meant keeping out of emergency.

yeah I don't know, I'm ok with looking back at everything, and I know it's what I need to do. But sometimes it fesls like one step forward and then 2 back. But it's good though, needs to be done, and I've got a good T, trust him a lot. It just gets more intense as time goes on and the further we dig. I'm not a huge fan of feeling sick for days after a session, bur that doesn't always happen. But meh.

[saltandpepper]

Third time of attempting to post tonight

*yells at self to just click "post" this time*

Guys, I want to reach out again for some support. That noise in my head that tells me there's ultimately no point to anything at all is starting to get loud. I'm in a half rational mind set--yes safe from suicide--where I can see these thoughts are just thoughts and they're not helpful. But really, honestly, there is actually no point. Live and die, the end. If it's a shit show when you're alive, what even is the point? I mean of course I have a son now, that's the point, don't fu*k up his life as well. But man, I love him more than anything, but it is so draining being alive sometimes. If he wasn't here, I wouldn't have anything to stop me. It's tiring having to fight back unhelpful thoughts all the time. It's exhausting trying to always find a way out of these depressive episodes. I've probably said all this before here, I'm sure I have, but I'm in that headspace where I just can't. I can't and I'm tired of trying to be strong. I hate having to be strong. I just want to be weak and selfish. If anyone is around I'd really appreciate the support.

Cheers guys

[Rainforest]

Hey @saltandpepper Rainforest here and I'm hearing that today's one of those days where it feels tougher than others.  I just wanted to say that being vulnerable and looking after yourself is not the same as 'weak and selfish'.  It takes strength and courage to reach out for support...I'm glad you did tonight.  If the 'head noise' gets louder, I trust you'll call a helpline and get some more immediate support.  Take care and go gently🌻

[Lostandalone]

Hang in there @saltandpepper 

just sit back... relax and take some slow deep breaths...

I am sorry to hear you are struggling 

keep reaching out to us here... keep talking... we are here to sit with you... hold your hand... listen and help keep you as safe as we can 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Rainforest @Lostandalone @PrincessLettuce thank you guys for getting in touch, much appreciated.

@Rainforest yeah I agree taking care of yourself isn't selfish, and it does take strength. Takes a lot of strength because getting mentally fit and finding a way to function takes so much energy and strength. Giving up is easy, living is hard. My remark re wanting to be selfish and weak was more geared toward suicidal ideation. Having a kid takes away that option completely, for me anyway. Suicide is something that's been a part of my thought process for the majority of my life, now I can't even entertain the idea because I'm aware it would be far too cruel to subject my son to such grief. The only thing I'm sure of in life is that I don't want to cause my son any pain, ever. But having that option of an easy way out taken away from you is a tough adjustment. I guess it was comforting to know it was an option, always there if ever I needed it. Now it's like, well you just have to fu*king cope, no matter how exhausted you are, no matter how tortured you feel, no matter how painful it gets, you have to fu*king survive. Strength is in taking care of yourself and getting support and finding ways to survive, sometimes I really just wish I could be weak. It's not always like this, and I know that, some days are just sh*t.

I'm trying to be more aware of emotions and triggers, it's hard trying to identify them. I think I've noticed a big one--and it sounds stupid that it's not something I've been able to recognise--seeing my mother. I hate having to write that or admit it because I feel ashamed. I find it so hard to write that she was/is abusive. And I feel ashamed that as an adult I should be better equipped to stand up for myself, but I'm not. I still feel very much under her control and I still find myself living in fear of agitating her. I had to see her recently, and I think, it's kind of fu*king with my head. At least I'm able to recognise that now--I don't know how helpful it is but I guess not having my head buried in the sand should be a good thing.

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @saltandpepper, 

I can hear what you're saying, that suicide thoughts were almost a comfort because you knew you could escape from pain, and now you don't have that. I'm also hearing you have a sense this will lead to you finding new ways to survive and comfort yourself. 

Also I'm sorry to hear you have realised your mum was/is abusive to you. I'm sure that knowledge will be really valuable, but it sounds very painful and confronting to realise. Abuse impacts people profoundly and often leads to feelings of shame. Please keep drawing on peer support here, but also there is the Blue Knot Foundation - 1300 657 380 who specialise in supporting people who've been through complex trauma including child abuse. 

Take care 🌻

[saltandpepper]

@Tortoiseshell Cheers for the info. I checked out blue knot last night and read through their fact sheets which were both insightful and helpful. The articles about memory and how it is affected by trauma were particularly helpful, so thanks for that.