Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

For just over three weeks I had this new person/friend in my life. Last night I had to get her to leave my home. It was hard and sad but I didn't feel safe. I am not going to be on speaking terms with her. She absolutely scares me. My big heart wants to help but it's beyond my capacity to help her. 

I don't even know what happening but my body and mind is screaming at me that I'm not safe. For the last three weeks she rapidly changes. For eg, she could be cool, calm and collected for an hour and I feel ok. Then literally very suddenly she can completely change into being someone very different, angry, rough, hostile, volatile and very frightening. Those are not all the mood and behavioural shifts. Just some. 

She would come to my house, we would be hanging out talking about various things and then when she would leave, it would be like we literally never spoke about any of it. It felt like an alternate reality and I was starting to question if we actually bad talked and she had come over. I was getting like that because of the complete I suppose what seems like to her it didn't happen. 

I was feeling manipulated. If I wanted to talk about me, it's like I didn't exist. Like I don't have a life only her. If I diverted to me it's like it wasn't worthy of being heard and I felt put down for mentioning me. 

I'd just start to feel ok and then bang as soon as I did she would completely flip again. Mood, behaviour, voice change, anger, resort to saying really mean things and more. Nothing I would say would even get through. Then she would say to me you are so sensitive if I cried, then later whenever she decided she would take responsibility and see how she would hurt me but then beg to come over and see me. Telling me she us absolutely besides herself. 

That's only a little of it. I was starting to get major panic attacks and anxiety attacks at the thought of her coming around or seeing her. I was starting to completely shut down verbally. She would say and do things that mentally would mess with my head. Like say something to me, completely change it later then get angry with me for being upset and confused and then finally make it all about her. 

Last night I finally said, I thought something was wrong but now I truly get that you need professional help. I can't provide that. Even if I was qualified I couldn't. I know that this is not a place for a diagnosis. Only professionals can do that. 

I literally feel like I'm going crazy. 

I need support and for normal people to talk to me because my world has not been normal. The last two days I have not been able to get out of bed. I'm scared of this person. It's really unstable and is affecting me badly. I'm scared. I want to believe she is a good person because she actually has done some nice things. I'm just petrified of her and don't know who to get used to from one moment to the next literally. It broke my heart to get her to leave my home last night. I wanted to not do that but she really was frightening me so much. 

Thanks. 

[Snowie]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Sounds like you did what was right for you. I hope within the days to come that things smooth over for you and you can see that this was the right decision for you.

Take care of you, we are here for you 

[Appleblossom]

@Powderfinger 

I find doing my own research and figuring out what is going on with me.  Working out what is my side, what is the other person's side of issues.  Most of us with tough childhoods attract others with similar.  Yes empathy is one thing, and important, but like 2 people struggling when drowning.  Both can go under.  CPTSD is complicated ....

Working out what being dysregulated feels like, learning how negotiate the social world.

https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/videos/

Videos like these can help, but I do not suggest paying for workshops, I just disconnect them if they get to asky .... then maybe 6 months later look around and check more ...

Cheers Mate

Apple

[Owlunar]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I can hear that this person terrifies you - and I certainly understand this

It is better to risk offending someone rather than have them threaten your safety and certainly - from what you write your safety is threatened by this person. You can be empathetic with someone - that's fine - but if nothing comes back to you - if you feel you are being used and manipulated - then it is time to sort out some boundaries and make it safe for you. You have done the right thing

And I understand this is hard for you. Rest assured that is not selfish to put yourself first in circumstances such as these - we have to care for ourselves first - we can't adequately care for anyone else if we are not providing for our own well-being

And you are right about diadnoses too. You are not the person and it is also not the right environment. This person needs help - you may have made suggestions but it seems that this relationship is not working

Be okay with yourself and let us know what's happening

Dec

[Arizona]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I'm glad you looked after yourself. I have been in a similar situation with my sister. It has been affecting me very badly. I feel very confused and unwell.

Your friend's behaviour sounds similar to my sister (I'm not trying to make this about me; I'm just noticing the similarity). 

I think it's important to listen to yourself and how you are feeling. And don't be afraid to put yourself first. 

I emailed my therapist and told her about what happened with my sister and we're going to talk about it on Thursday. Do you have someone in real life like a therapist or friend you can talk to about it?

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I hope your okay today!  Letting go of a relationship is always hard.  But just remember it hurts for awhile but life goes on and you will be able to move on.  Dont let the ending of the relationship stop you from moving on with yourself.  If they were suppose to be in your life then they will make an effort.

How I dealt with my break up was to allow myself to cry for 2 days and then write down a letter of goodbye.  This gave me closure and the urge to keep moving.  I'm still single and thats OK because I am fine!

I hope this helps and hope you are feeling better.

Be kind to yourself .. MIFANT

[Powderfinger]

@Snowie @Appleblossom @Owlunar @Arizona @MIFANTCARER 

I'm sorry that I couldn't respond to any of your replies. I did read themz I just couldn't take anything in. I was feeling so overloaded. I still am not able to reply to them. I do however want to thank all of you for responding and taking the time out of your day to do so. 

Powderfinger. 

[Snowie]

@Powderfinger 💕💕💕