Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @Blackbird11 

It was alright. I'm just not very good at being vulnerable with him. We talked about how I feel like I'm a bad person and not worthy. We talked about how my mum wouldn't let me have space and would then guilt me into what she wanted and how that affects me now because I don't know how to be alone. We talked about me being dismissive of how I feel because of the bullying and my mum. He told me to give myself a hug which was really weird.

I was very anxious this morning I felt a bit nauseous before the appointment.

We also talked about going around in a circle. I felt pretty stupid at times, but oh well. I also mentioned how I feel embarrassed sharing things and how I feel he might judge me even though I know he won't.

He asked if I would prefer to colour in or something in our session I'm not sure how that would help.

I’ll tag @tyme as well. I thought you'd like to know about it and how I mentioned the loneliness and because I never got to experience it at home I struggle with it now.

How are you both going?

I'm just on the train I need to go to Priceline and the supermarket.   

[tyme]

Hey @Birdofparadise8 ,

Please know your feelings are valid. 

You are not alone. It feels like you are alone when you are navigating the thick of things, but it's a place many have been in before. 

You are doing so so well @Birdofparadise8 . I just want you to remember that and just keep going. In a few years time, you'll reflect on your posts and probably just laugh....

[Blackbird11]

Sounds like you shared a lot of your internal thoughts with him @Birdofparadise8. Well done, I know how hard that can be. Feeling embarrassed is a normal feeling, you need to be kind to yourself and know it's ok to share the deep feelings you have. As for giving yourself a hug, maybe a weighted blanket would be better, it will be comforting for you. Sounds like you like to keep your hands busy, is my guess why he suggested colouring in. There are other options like fidget spinners, stress balls or you could take blank paper and be creative? Did you write your questions down before the appointment?

I'm doing ok, had a good work shift and now preparing for training tonight.

[Birdofparadise8]

Thank you @tyme 

I really appreciate you saying that. 

Yeah maybe let's hope so. 

How's your day been? 

[Birdofparadise8]

Yeah I tried I feel like I’m blocked and I don't know how to get out of it when it comes to sharing with him. We were trying to go over how I was feeling in different situations. We went over going back in time and being assertive to my mum and also again with looking after myself when I was younger with the kindness and emptiness that little me needed. 

When we talked about me feeling not wanted that did hit a bit of a nerve. 

Yeah, I wrote down a few things.

Yes and my feet I keep moving both a lot. It's a nervous thing.

What time is your training @Blackbird11  

[tyme]

I've had a really pleasant day @Birdofparadise8 . I'm in the office and finish early tonight. I hope to go to the shops. I went to Sydney's largest lego store earlier today 🙂 

I'll hang around in the city after work for late night shopping. 

What are you up to?

[Birdofparadise8]

Is it weird being in a different office @tyme 

In Melb how many days do you have to go in? 

I'm at Aldi. I'm about to head home and so some more Lego and read my book. And probably some crying haha

[Blackbird11]

You are wanted @Birdofparadise8, you matter and are important, you have a place in this life 💚 It is a very nerve-racking experience, be gentle with yourself, you are safe and cared about. Think about something for your hands to do next visit and getting a weighted blanket. 

My training starts at 5pm to 7pm

[Birdofparadise8]

Thanks @Blackbird11 

My aunt gave me hers, but I didn't really like it. I felt to squished. 

Cool is it in person?

[Blackbird11]

Ah ok @Birdofparadise8 they can get a bit of getting use to.

Training is online.