Hello all,
I am writing this post because I feel like I've exhausted all of my options in regards to treatment over the previous four years and am not much better off for it so I've found myself hopeless beyond speaking about my experience and hoping one day I will not wake up with intense guilt, panic and worthlessness. I feel like I've been living in a merry-go-round of medication, hospital admissions, instability, therapy and misery that has resulted in nothing but bitterness and lost hope/will. I am 22yo and have been in psychiatric treatment since I was 18 for long standing mental health issues when admitted to ED after mentioning a dependency at the time to over the counter codeine to my GP - I received diagnoses of MDD, recurrent severe with psychotic features, GAD, BPD and substance use disorder (severe: alcohol, THC, opioid, MDMA). I have been unable to maintain study or employment since graduating high school and have become increasingly isolated. My partner is the only person I can speak to in Australia beyond my psychologist/GP because I moved to this country as a teenager with my family who have recently moved overseas again and I have struggled to build friendships most of my life. She is unable to speak to me while at work during the day so I struggle to make it through to the end of the day because I'm becoming consumed by my thoughts and emotions. For the past month I have been experiencing fits of crying where I 'black out' and time feels fractured, like I'm continually coming to consciousness and pain. In these states, I've left massive bruises the size of my knucles on my legs from beating myself, scribbled out my face in photos around the house/on IDs, found ashes/pieces of torn documents over the floor etc. I am scared of myself, hate how needlessly hateful and angry I am deep inside even though I can't outwardly show it and am exhausted because I haven't slept well or been able to eat regularly in a long time. In the past 2yrs I've lost 60kg which has felt like it has caught up with me in the last 5-10kg as I've been encountering dizziness and fainting due to low blood sugar. I don't know what the next step is because I have tried the majority of psych meds available for my conditions (SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, anti-anxiety, antipsychotics, sleeping pills etc) and have received CBT & CAT therapy over the previous 4 years with little benefit. I feel like the severity of my condition has only increased and where I once hoped to recover, I can only hope to cling on to the few good days as they pass me by. I would like to write more but I'm becoming overwhelmed. I am okay and will feel better eventually, even if it is by a marginal amount but I never pictured my life to become an episode of survival against myself.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN
