Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Blended]

My 19 year old stepson has a complex mental health diagnosis, addiction, and childhood trauma. He is currently living with us on a temporary (15 months and counting) basis.

We have issues with being able to set and maintain boundaries when we really don't have any way of enforcing consequences of any kind. We have agreed a basic set of conditions for him to live with us, but when those conditions have been broken - e.g. no coming home after drinking because of the risk of aggression, damage and violence - he walked out and ended up either sleeping under a bridge for a couple of days or getting admitted overnight at the mental health ward.

His mother is trying to get him hello through the NDIS but in the mean time, continuing substance dependence means staying "a few weeks" had turned into 15 months, why the likelihood being another six more.

Is there anything we can do to set limits without ending up in Emergency for the night? Do I just need to learn to accept that he sets the boundaries?

I know I'm probably catastrophising a little as it's the anniversary of the passing of a relative who was in a similar situation to my stepson, on and off, for fifty years...

[Libra]

I understand how you're feeling. My son,35, doesn't live with me, for all those reasons...he is diagnosed with schizophrenia and it's like a roller-coaster ride. I help him out with groceries and tobacco, always with a promise to repay me, but he spends his pension on drugs. 🙁

I find it so hard to say No to his requests as I just want PEACE! 

You are not catastrophising. It is so HARD! 

You're not alone. ❤️

Libra.

[tyme]

I’m hearing you @Libra @Blended ,

Sounds so difficult, and even harder to know that they are sleeping it rough when you try and enforce boundaries. 

Boundaries were hard for me, but that’s why I’m alive today. People enforced boundaries. There were times I didn’t sleep at home either. It was rough, but I’m here because people were firm with me. Boundaries are boundaries. Enforcing the boundaries on one person is what will keep carers well.

[Krishna]

Also in the same boat @Libra @Blended . My girl is 30 and there came a time when boundaries had to be set for the rest of my families sanity despite the consequences. It resulted in her getting the help and support she truly needed. Still only contacts me for money for vap or food and has been 4 years this Xmas since we’ve seen each other. It’s a difficult decision to make though as yes we now have peace in our home but also the mental anguish of not having her in our lives. It’s tough xx 

[tyme]

Hi @Krishna @Blended @Libra 

How are you all today?

[Krishna]

Hi @tyme  Ooh just starting to feel alive again after rotting in bed with Covid for the past 8 days. Such a nasty virus. I actually managed to change my sheets today before collapsing in a heap again lol xx It’s been challenging to say the least but the worst has passed. Certainly gives you a lot of time to think when your unwell, which is something I do too much of anyway. Missing my girl with Xmas approaching and her team tell me she’s not doing so well with home and personal care, refusing to engage with support workers and generally not looking very healthy at all. So so hard to hear. For now though, I have to focus on restoring my own health and knowing she is safe, has food and an income plus support services daily, is giving me a little peace of mind. 

[tyme]

Sounds tough @Krishna .

At least your know she has a roof over her head. I hope you are okay.

[tyme]

Being hit with covid sounds horrible. I hope i don't get it again @Krishna 

[Libra]

Hi @Krishna ,

I've had a relaxing Saturday,  though I did get a text message from my son asking for a few things...I got them, otherwise he wouldn't eat much. He was pleasant and thankful. 

I find it hard to work out if he is under the influence of amphetamines,  or he is having an episode.  When he is stressed it is very much alike.

I too, don't have my son with us at Christmas,  he has an older brother and sister.  But I see him a few times a week. I can only imagine your pain.

I took him to my sisters funeral in October, the 1st time we have all been together for years. 

It's been a while since I have used these chats and forgotten how helpful they are.

Hope you are all well, 

Cheers Libra. 

[Krishna]

Hi @Libra I recall chatting with you a few years back I think when I first joined the forums. I recognise your user name. I too have difficulty trying to decipher my daughters needs and wants as usually sweet as pie when she needs money but otherwise no communication at all. It’s always a difficult decision to make, to send or not to send but strangely enough, due to our relationship, it’s the only way I can support her. So be it. If she chooses to spend it on drugs or alcohol that’s her choice but I always hope she legitimately needs it for food and if so, we’ll I’ve done the right thing.