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Serenity1
Senior Contributor

Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

i don't think I am suicidal- I don't plan on - or want to-hurt myself or anyone else 

i just don't want to live anymore.

i have spiralled so far into depression- since my legal appointment got cancelled for today-& after a week of heightened anxiety surrounding the upcoming legal appointment- I don't feel I have the energy or strength to get through this-i don't know what to do or who to reach out to for fear of my daughter being taken from me- but I can't continue on like this- 

cant eat. Can't sleep. Can't stop crying.can barely move or function. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live. But I don't want to commit suicide.. & I won't. I don't know what to do 

 

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Hi @Serenity1, It sounds as though you are having a tough time there. I am going to send you an email in a moment to check in with you. Take care.

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

@Eucalypt I can't get into my email account at the moment

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Well that doesn't work then @Serenity1 ! 

I don't think that not wanting to live is not the same as being suicidal – however it does indicate that you are in a very vulnerable space and need to take good care of yourself. You are dealing with a few challenges in your life at the moment and you have done well to reach out for support and connection on the forums. Just a gentle reminder though that the forums are not a crisis service. If at any time you are in need of immediate assistance/support the following 24 hour services are always available for you: 

 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

 

 

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

@Eucalypt ok thanks- I have been using lifeline a fair bit- I will try them again - i geuss- doesn't seem to help just gets you to feel better in the moment then the feeling always comes back- this is the first time IV expressed it out loud though so I geuss I'll tell them & see what they say

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Hi @Serenity1 

I think I can be of assistance to you hun, I've just got to run some errands with mum and will be back; hopefully with advice to calm you and give peace of mind.

Take care till then ok...

Hope xo Heart

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Ok Thankyou @Hope4me 💖

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Hi again @Serenity1 

 

I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation; it's no fun feeling like that. I truly know as I went through it many times during the early years of recovery.

 

I'm sorry too that I'm not up to scratch with your diagnosis, history or treatment plan, but maybe you can delve into that along the way if you're up to it ok. I'm not here to counsel btw; I'm here to relay my own experiences so hopefully you can find a few hidden gems to take on board.

 

I'm not sure if you're aware of what complex ptsd is but it's what I'm diagnosed with due to childhood, and adult experiences that triggered those early memories, the last of which broke my brain and spirit.

 

When someone thinks they're going to die, (one instance of trauma) brain function takes over as a normal reactive response. (Fight/flight/freeze) Ptsd is usually the post effect for this.

 

When trauma of this kind continues throughout their young life, it becomes complex because there's no end to it, so their brain and inexperienced little minds employ strategies to survive the unthinkable over and over. It gets kids through the tough bits, but as adults, these coping mechanisms aren't viable options.

 

Unlearning these strategies and creating new functional ways of living life is normally a long and painful process. Triggers abound as habits from surviving trauma anyway you can are powerful motivators and won't go without a fight from the subconscious mind.

 

When I was in my late teens I got an infection in my brain. Instead of the doctor getting me to hospital, he left me at home with my overly trusting parents, which turned out to be life threatening. (Incephalitis) For the following two weeks I thought I was literally going to die. In more lucid moments, I responded by asking God many times to let me die anyway as the fever, pain and fear was too much for my body and mind to bare.

 

Now obviously I survived, but not from help from my doctor because he was utterly negligent. It was 'me' that kept going regardless of how bad it got; something inside me kept saying "It'll be over soon, just hang in there." My current GP told me by right, I should've died without being in constant care of ICU staff. She says it's a miracle.

 

Depression takes over along with thoughts of wanting to die when I'm faced with a situation that's similar. This happened when I had a breakdown and my doctor gave me anti depressants only and sent me home. I lived alone, was having bouts of psychosis, insomnia, massive panic and was as looney as they come.

 

What should I have done? Get to the hospital asap! But I didn't; I just got through it the best way I could because I didn't have the capacity to assess or make that decision for myself; just like when I was a girl.

 

The brain doesn't distinguish between past or present, it lives in the moment. So triggers from unconscious memories can cause the exact response as if death was imminent. You feel like running away, (an urge to die) fighting (getting through it any way you can) or freezing. (dissociating and returning to childlike functioning)

 

I won't write anymore at this stage Jojo as there's plenty here for you to mull over. (Whew! Sorry..)

 

Take your time as there's lots here to consider. Remember too these are my experiences and may not have any baring on your situation. It's only to see if there's something that might be an 'ah-ha' moment for you. I really hope so..

 

Looking forward to talking with you;

Hope xo Heart

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

@Serenity1 

Not sure, but I think you are referring to deep despair and the lethargy of feeling nothing you try helps??

 

Some gps are now talking about passive and active suicidal ideation. 

 

As with most things I see a spectrum ... and yep ... I probably sit right on the spectrum ... but I have not got enough spare cash to pay for a diagnosis so let it slide. Sorry being silly.

 

I am glad you are not really thinking about it. 

 

Despair and low feelings do need attention, but dont press the "right" buttons in medical system, so maybe  explore the self help literature //

Take Good Care Jojo

Re: Is not wanting to live the same as being suicidal?

Hello @Serenity1 

It seems things are really tough and a bit confusing. Just want you to know we are here with you.  Hope you get some rest tonight.

Take care,

MummaMia

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