Lived Experience Forum

[Arizona]

I don't feel very well right now and I'm afraid to talk about it. My new disability advocacy worker said something weird in an email and I don't feel comfortable with it. This happened on Thursday. I think I have been triggered by it because I don't feel safe and I don't trust her and I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like I'm going mad. I feel like people are driving me crazy.

I spoke with my therapist about it today (we had a phone appointment) and while I was talking to her about it I felt okay but I don't feel okay now. 

I feel like I'm stuck in an unsafe place and I don't know what to do to feel better. When you feel unsafe or triggered what do you do to feel better?

[Arizona]

I feel like everything (the world, life, people) is driving me crazy.

[Jynx]

Hey @Arizona , I'm sorry to hear you're feeling triggered and unsafe, that is really hard. 

Sounds like it was helpful to chat to your therapist, so that is one option - reaching out. Whether it's to a helpline or friends & family, sometimes it helps to not feel alone. 

Distractions are another one, be it watching a favourite movie (I always go for Disney and animated films myself to help keep things light), listening to some music or engaging in a creative activity like colouring or craft. 

You can also practice some distress tolerance and mindfulness skills - there's a whole lot of different tactics you can find through a google search to see if anything might work for you. 

You can also remind yourself that feeling triggered and unsafe is your mind and body's survival response - it is reacting as if you are in danger even if you're not. This is a physical process that can sometimes leave us feeling panicky and anxious, or it can also cause us to go into shut down. These things are scary, unpleasant, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright horrifying. But they also don't last forever, and it can take a little time for the body to come back to a state of equilibrium. 

Hope this helps, and of course please do reach out if you need to 

[Dimity]

Hi @Arizona I'm sorry you've been feeling low for a while and have had this upsetting experience.  I've enjoyed reading a couple of your recipes and hearing about your pug.

When I feel panicky breath exercises and mindfulness help me in the moment. A warm drink and soothing music I can follow along with help once I'm more settled. Herbal tea is nice for the times tea or coffee might be overstimulating and I have a coffee substitute made from roasted grains that's also good. 

Today I ventured into the backyard and picked up lots of fallen grapefruit - gardening or tending to indoor plants always used to ground me, and I know I should get back to it. Lately I've viewed some virtual art exhibitions and get a lot of pleasure from social media groups sharing nature photos and other interests. My cats also take me out of myself.

Please give your pug a pat for me, and I hope you're feeling better soon. @Fluttershy1 started a thread on selfcare activities that might give you some more ideas.

Cheers,

Dimity

[Lost9]

Hi @Arizona,

I'm so sorry you are still feeling terrible. Hugs to you and your pug.

lost9

[frog]

Hi @Arizona I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I recently had a period of feeling unsafe and very unsettled.

In the moment, pottering in my unit - nesting I guess, helps me. Cups of tea, staying warm.

My tdoc asked me is there some way you can take that feeling with you. I haven't worked out how to do that but he said some people have a pebble in their pocket that they touch to remind them of their safe place - literally a touch stone.

Hi @Lost9 @Dimity hope you are travelling ok.

[Arizona]

Hi @frog @Lost9 @Dimity , thank you very much for your replies. I find it very helpful to hear from my peers; what it is like for them and what they do. It makes me feel less alone. I found it comforting reading your posts, so thank you.

I wrote an email to my advocacy worker and told her how I was feeling. I just said everything. I'm still not feeling great but my depression is starting to ease. I don't know how it's going to go down, but if I don't express myself (or stand up for myself where necessary) I get very depressed.

[Lost9]

Hi @Arizona @frog @Dimity 

I had a period of feeling down recently. I was even thinking of changing my medication. I feel I have lost myself over the years. I gradually stopped doing all the things I like such as playing the piano, listening to music, art and craft work. I even stopped reading and watching tv which were the last to go. Though necessity I did do more cooking and I like baking so all wasn't lost. I got to a point where I assessed my life and thought either I have another 30 years of this or I had better do something about it. Last week I played the piano which I haven't done in a good 10 years, I attempted to draw which I haven't done in a good 5 years. Gradually I am working at getting myself beck which I lost due to depression and negative symptoms of schizophrenia. My depression seems to be lifting for the moment. I don't know how long you have felt depressed but I know the overwhelming tiredness that comes with it. Just having a shower is a major achievement. What I sometimes do is beak my tasks into smaller chunks. I needed to clean the bathroom so one day I just cleaned the mirror. Another day I cleaned the sink etc. it eventually got done. Admittedly some days I don't bother to change out of my nightie but then it's lock down. I'm not going to see anyone. But other days I do make the effort to shower, wash my hair and change into some clothes. It is a long haul but I'm working on it. And that makes me feel less of a victim and therefore a bit happier.

Hugs to all,

lost9

[Arizona]

Hi @Lost9 , thanks very much for sharing.

I'm nearly 50 (next Friday I think) and I have had depression since I was at least 14. My depression has gotten much worse as I have gotten older, especially in the last 10 years. I too feel that I have lost years (decades) out of my life due to my depression. 

I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore (I haven't had them since August/September 2019) but my quality of life is abysmal. 

I have given up fighting my depression. It is too hard. I spend most of my time in bed.

Because I'm turning 50, I would like to use this as motivation to fight my depression...because I have 40+ years to live if I'm lucky and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

One thing I have realised is that the (public) mental health system is completely f***ed and it has never helped me. I think what I would like to do is not have anyone from the (public) mental health system in my life at all, apart from GP's and private psychiatrists and good therapists.

I'm very lucky to have a good therapist who I used to see 20 years ago. I got back in touch with her two months ago and she and I still have a good connection. I was looking for a therapist for months (since late September last year) and then I remembered her and got back in touch with her. I'm so glad I did. She is the only positive thing in my life apart from my Pug. 

Where I live it's like a redneck backwater in terms of services. 

[Dimity]

Hi @Arizona @Lost9 @frog I hear you re depression and the sense of lost years. I have 40 years since my first diagnosis and 4 years since my early retirement. 

Being aware of that loss and grief we need to reconnect with our core/soul might be the precursor to  change. Rediscovering music, art, reading is wonderful @Lost9 . Your suggestion of tackling chorescand essentials by pacing through chunks of time works for me wh we need I think of it. I use the pomodoro technique, originally for study, and set a timer for 25 mins then have a 5 min break

Rumination after a negative experience and not being assertive enough  can be intensely uncomfortable. Visualising the next time and affirming how we'd choose to act as Nd what we'd say might help in letting it go so it's not overwhelming or consuming us. 

Hugs to you and your pug @Arizona and I hope something aparks joy for you today and every day.

Dimity