I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @rav3n 

It’s all good. I figured you had gone by then anyway! 

I want to show her the little town 20 minutes away. It’s a definite must see when you come here. It’s from the gold rush era and the main streets haven’t changed. I can’t take photos though as it’s really identifying. There is an amazing museum there too so we will do that as well. Then there is a swimming hole just under an hour away so we will go there before she leaves on Sunday. It’s an absolutely beautiful spot. That I can take photos of. 

I can’t try that. I have my list for today with times for everything. I’m running behind because of my GP appointment and I went grocery shopping. The grocery shopping has come off my list for later this afternoon so I have some leeway. I also over estimated the times so that I feel like I’m getting ahead. But when I broke it down to little things it didn’t seem as daunting. There is still a lot to do but I’m hoping that I get the big things done today so less stress next week before she comes. But if I don’t finish then I will try and tell myself that it’s ok. No promises though! But half arsed sounds doable. I’ll be ok with that I think. 

Thanks.. it was so hard to work out what to pick as it’s hard to tell if it works. But it turned out so well. Everything else is white so it’s only pops of colour. 

I have to try and get into a female GP for hormone assessment, that’s going to be hard! 

My GP was great and I’m really glad that my psych pushed me into going. While it’s overwhelming and a lot it’s also validating the way I’m feeling and I also know what could happen around the corner. I do monitor myself pretty well so I’m hoping I can catch anything before it hits too hard. If it happens. 

Im hoping that by writing lists with times it won’t be so bad and I’ll see the massive list differently. So hopefully I can allow for rest in the evenings to hopefully lessen my current burnout. I think I’ll be able to push through while she is here as it will be so awesome seeing her. It’ll lift me a lot. It’s just hard that I have to go back to work the very next day. At least it only the 4 day block and then after that I don’t go back to work until Boxing Day. So I will get time to have plenty of rest and self care time. 

[Captain24]

Morning @AuntGlow 

It feels validating. It’s like there is a reason instead of me being unstable. I don’t usually get mixed episodes but I have some of the hypomanic symptoms and some of the depressive episode symptoms. Mixed means things aren’t stable. Depressive episodes just happen. There is not necessarily a trigger it just occurs. We haven’t managed to stabilise them properly though. But it’s different to being unstable, if that makes sense. 

It would have helped to be prepared but at least I know now. It helps to be able to understand what is happening. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. 

Thanks for working with me in this. There is so much to deal with. But yes.. one day at a time. It may not even get bad but at least I’m prepared. I’m not preempting anything just watching and seeing what happens and where it goes. 

[Captain24]

I only had 4 hours sleep last night. That’s just not enough. 

Right now I feel like just curling up into a little ball and crying. I literally can’t do anymore. I’m exhausted, I’m worn out and I’m depleted. 

I haven’t done enough. I still have things I want/need to do. 

I have done a little bit though. I did 2 loads of washing, ironed and packed it away, grocery shopping, tidied 3 bedrooms and vacuumed them, put fresh sheets in the bed my friend is staying in, dusted the whole house, cleaned the pantry, cleaned the fridge and washed, swept and vacuumed the floors. I still have to clean the main bathroom and sort out the mess in there, clean the back and front verandas, clean all the skirting boards, clean the kitchen cupboards and clean the laundry. I just can’t do it. It took so much just to finish of the floors. 

Im disappointed in myself that I just can’t push through. I still have to make lunches for work yet. I just can’t do it. I hate myself for it. I don’t even have the energy to sit on the lounge. I’ve just climbed into bed and hoping to get a little bit of sleep so I’m able to do something. Even if it’s just dinner and I’ll use it for work lunches. 

Im a mess. I can’t really feel my body, it just feels like a lump. I’m tired. I need to set an alarm or I don’t think I’ll wake up. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 ooo sounds like a lovely plan! and yes, would love to see pics from the swimming hole 😊 

that's so good that you've been monitoring your symptoms/changes and putting those plans!

you're so right, 4hrs of sleep makes it so hard to function, especially when you've had poor sleep on other nights too. your 'little bit' sounds like heaps to me! no wonder you're tired! maybe the bathroom and other tasks can be half-arsed another time? for now, pls do rest up. a nap sounds like a good way to recharge!

i've got a lil challenge for you, if you're up for it (no pressure at all) - how can you reframe this so that it's more gentle and takes in the full context: Im disappointed in myself that I just can’t push through.

[AuntGlow]

Yes, that does make sense, and I can't imagine how confusing it would be to experience a mixed episode... though, I am glad that learning this information was validating. @Captain24 

When do you see your psychologist next? I can imagine she would be really grounding for you right now?

It sounds like you are taking a really proactive and open approach to this, and honestly, good on you. You should be so proud of how you're managing all of this. 

What are some things you can do to create more leniency for yourself over the next couple of weeks? 💖

[Captain24]

I just laid there @rav3n. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like I’m too exhausted to relax, I know that doesn’t make much sense. 

I’m thinking I might go and clean the main bathroom. The bath really needs cleaning out. That’ll take another thing off my list but I might try and have a bath tonight and see if that helps. The mixed episode (if it is) won’t be helping with sleep either but I have to work out how to get some as it’s not healthy to function on not enough sleep but it could also make the episode even worse. Aargh just something else to deal with! 

I need to have some understanding so I’m able to see what it is and work with it. I can’t go through another depressive episode. Not with how I’m feeling. It won’t end well. 

‘Im disappointed in myself that I can’t push through’ hmmm this is taking some thinking. Maybe ‘It’s ok that I haven’t finished, it’s time to listen to my body?’ I don’t know. I’m getting better at reframing but I’m not very good at it. 

[Captain24]

I see my psych on Wednesday @AuntGlow. She didn’t want to go too long between appointments. At least I can fill her in on today’s appointment. I asked her about the mixed on Tuesday and she was asking what hypomanic signs I have and what depressive signs. I could answer with ease. Seeing her after today will be great, she will help clear my head and help guide me on the right path. 

Mixed are hard and pretty unsafe! It needs a lot of monitoring and I need to be very careful. 

I must say I was pretty impressed with my response to it all. Especially with so much noise in my head. I’m trying to take a clear minded approach to help me get through it all. 

I need to be careful with myself. I need to allow myself down time. I need to allow myself to be helped and I need to be open with how I’m feeling and what is going for me. I just can’t have any rest or downtime for nearly two weeks. Then I’ll be able to better look after myself. 

[tyme]

Ello @Captain24 

[Captain24]

Heeelllooo @tyme 

Hows your day going? 

I saw this and thought of you with post it’s. 

 

[tyme]

hahahahaah! @Captain24  I'm not quite that bad - YET!

I checked for my visa... no visa - YET

Oh well... that means I don't have to pack - YET

Don't you love that word YET?

It's hot here today. I was just under the air con.

My brain is buzzing so sorry I'm going off on all different tangents. 

What'd you get up to today? I haven't read your posts above yet.