I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 absolutely hun, sounds like these folks are the ones you're exposed to the most so it's like this tension of 'I want to fit in because I'm around them all the time and it sucks being on the outside but... they're not nice people and I don't actually want to spend time with them' kinda thing. 

Uh oh!! Your quest for belonging has left you with a crippling Lego addiction!! I mean... as far as addictions go you could do worse 😅 In any case, I dunno if I'm just biased but one of the things I've always loved about the forums is that everyone is welcome, to my eyes, everyone belongs - yourself included! 

No one is sick of ya!! I think I can safely say that we would ALL prefer that you feel like you have the space to get stuff out than for you to have to put a mask on - like, we genuinely care about you! Not whether or not you are 'entertaining' for us! One of the things the forums are here for is so that folks can express themselves honestly without fear of stigma or invalidation - it's not a competition for who can lead the most interesting life! We can all go to facebook for that.

Hmm how bizarre! Worth a vet trip? Ugh but soooo pricey 😑

[tyme]

But how to dog's know??? Doesn't make sense. I thought it was a male/female thing, but I'm noticing it's not... @Captain24 Ruby barks at my BIL unless he calls her name. Then she knows him and stops barking. But she won't bark and the kids nor me from even a distance.

I'm not looking forward to Sydney humidity. Too humid for my liking. My sister is not home so I'm not sure when we are leaving. I just know it's the arvo or late arvo. I've got fruit in my fridge I need to give away before I go. I've covered the pool. I'm yet to put together all the things i need to pack. They are all the last minute things like laptops, chargers, tooth brush, meds... maybe I should write a list tonight.. I don't even think I have enough meds to go to Sydney. Oh well, gotta cross that bridge when I get there.

Geez, I must be hiking up your anxiety levels! You would've packed a month ago!

And oh no about COVID. So you get it in your chest later? For me, it starts in the chest and I feel like I'm drowning... it's yuck. Are you still smoking? Does that impact it?

[Captain24]

Yeah.. I feel like I mask a lot on here. @Jynx. It’s like I don’t know who the real me is and if I keep the mask people may talk to me. Some days I think of leaving for the lack of belonging but I’m scared to as I will be totally on my own. 

Im hoping that my dogs settle down soon. I can’t take much more. This makes me an unlikable person. 

[Captain24]

OMG @tyme.. my anxiety is high! 

Please write a list. I’ll feel better ! 😜 

Id be stressing about meds. I don’t have my scripts the chemist has them. I’m actually sorting them out for in a months time. Plus I’m working out what clothes to take.

I like how you are just so casual about it. Not even knowing what time to leave. Are you taking Ruby? It’s interesting how she is with your BIL. That’s a bit strange.

This is what I’m like. I’m deciding what Lego to take if I go back to hospital in August! I’m not sure as things have change dramatically. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 false! I like you! A lot! So you ARE a likeable person, ner ner na ner ner 😝

I hope you don't decide to leave! I'd miss ya too much! I do understand that feeling a sense of belonging is super important though... I am about to head off but if you're around on the weekend we can always talk more about it then? 

Hope the puppers settle and you get off to bed okay!! And don't forget, you DO have friends here! We love ya Cap!! 😊💜🫂 

[tyme]

For me, a trip to Syd is a like a bus trip. I used to go so often, that i don't actually prepare anything @Captain24 . It was a 55 min flight there, 20 mins home, hang out for the day and then fly back. I went for a day at a time. Flights were much cheaper then. I scored some $20 flights to Sydney in the past. Nowadays, a round trip is about $200-$300.

Yes, Ruby is coming because no one wants her lol.  Couldn't get a sitter.

So far, this is what I've put on my table to take:

- 2 laptops

- 2 ipads

- chargers

- powerbanks

- meds

Oh, and with meds, I don't have scripts either. I get the meds delivered fortnightly to my house. The doc sends the scripts straight to the pharmacy. I might have to do the emergency med thing in Sydney and just get a few emergency tablets from the chemist if I run out. At the moment, I have 2 full webster packs and a few days left only. And yes, I won't be back from Syd for at least 3 weeks... so by talking to you, I definitely don't have enough meds, but can't do anything about it now... 

I'll message my sister tonight to see what time we are leaving. 

Btw, what are you packing for? Don't tell me you're 'packing' for your next hospital stay already????

[Captain24]

I feel a little better knowing you are getting a little sorted. @tyme If you aren’t leaving until the afternoon can you go and get meds before you go? 

Ruby will love it.

My dogs love holidays the new smells, new places, new sights, the beach.. when I tell Pix we are going on holidays she gets excited. 

This time next month I’ll be on holidays. Just the usual one to the coast with my parents and having to see my brother for a night. But yes I am thinking have a got enough clothes if I do go back.

Yeah.. I’m still smoking. I smoke more when I’m in a dark place. So I guess that’s not helping. I did feel it in my chest but thought I had gotten through without coughing. 

[tyme]

Hahaha @Captain24 . Looks like we are connected and feel anxiety for each other lol. 

Nah, I can't get meds in the morning. It's messy. I need to see a certain dr who needs to contact the pharmacy to give permission for extra meds to be dispensed. Then, the pharmacy won't be able to courier the meds for me tomorrow which means I have to travel a fair way to get them - if they let me. 

You know how it is with people on the "naughty list". Getting meds is not that easy.

 I must have lots of big black marks next to my name on all my files lol.

Seriously, if you only knew how I was only a few years back, you'd be shocked. Hence I've shared how amazed I am each day that I'm actually still alive.

That's why, when you tell me about how low things are for you, I still have hope for you. I'm no better than you and there's nothing 'special' about me that I should recover and not you. 

If I was on these forums during my darkest days, I would've been banned a LONG time ago!

There's hope @Captain24 . Honestly, things are crap now, but when it's time for things to change, it will. 

In the meantime, you're stuck with me.

[Captain24]

I’ve got enough anxiety to keep you covered! @tyme 

Wow.. that’s hard work! 

Im not really on the naughty list but I’m not allowed my scripts and it’s monitored if I order meds early. I have to justify myself. But I don’t have the history you do. 

Part of me wishes that I knew you then so I could see the change. If that makes any sense? 

That’s the good thing being on here and interacting with the PSW as you all have a different story to tell but have all recover from each individual situation. 

You keep me in line! There is so much more that I want to say and to say to some others. 

Thanks for sticking by me. I know I make it hard sometimes. I did really appreciate your chat earlier too. I don’t have hope but at least someone does. 

Have a safe trip tomorrow and I hope you get everything sorted.

Talk Sunday? 

[tyme]

I'm wrapping up now.. then going to see my sister to see what's happening. 

I won't see you tomorrow, but will hopefully see you Sunday. Otherwise Wednesday.

Please rest up. Take care. 

I'll let you know how things go @Captain24 

Hugs. Hope you feel better soon!