I can’t cope

[Ru-bee]

None of this is failing @Captain24 even when people are well they have bad days or bad periods. You've made so much progress and it's awesome to get to witness. We can all see how hard you've been trying and it might be hard to see right now, but you have been taking steps forwards.

I'm hearing that you want to talk to someone, do you feel like calling a phone line, maybe Beyond Blue?

Or maybe now that these tasks are behind you it might be good to get some rest?

[Captain24]

I didn’t think anyone would notice the effort I’ve been trying to make @Ru-bee. I didn’t think anyone would even care. I’m only really noticed when I’m in trouble. 

I tried to rest but I’m just so agitated and restless. I can’t seem to stop my mind from those thoughts. I can’t let go. I can’t sit still. I can’t walk around. My body and mind feel like they are out of control. The agitation and irritability that I’m feeling is really overwhelming. 

While I’m heading towards crisis level I’m not there yet. I feel like it’s just around the corner though. I don’t want to take up space for someone that needs it. From now it’s always busy and there are people worse off than me. People that deserve it. Plus I’d rather talk to someone that knows me but there is no one and that’s not available. 

[Ru-bee]

Hearing how hard it is right now @Captain24 and it's great that you have a good awareness of where you're at right now and that you're starting to head towards crisis levels, but you aren't there yet.

This is a great time to be reaching out to get more support to ensure that you avoid that crisis.

What's on your safety plan at the moment? Do you have anything on there for when you're moving towards crisis? Steps that you can take or things that you can try?

[Captain24]

I’ve got being barefoot on the grass, a sour warhead, something cold. 5 things and fidgets. Lego and stuff but I’m not up for those. @Ru-bee. I few other things that don’t feel achievable right now. 

I’ve got the sprinkler on so I can go barefoot and stand under that. I’ve just had a sour warhead. They are disgusting! 

I think I’m in for a little bit of trouble tonight. Why do I have to crash so hard and so fast? 

[AuntGlow]

Hey queen! @Captain24 

Feeling like you're in constant period pain would be really overwhelming. 🥺

Hmm, I wonder if you are in a state of avoidance, or if this is more of a freeze response from how overwhelming things have been? 💛

I often feel this way when I have used all of my survival energy... then the moment I rest, I am done. 

oof, the barking would be very overstimulating!!

You should proud of yourself for eating consistently and well. 

It sounds like you're still feeling big emotions, which come from a lifetime of built up challenges - they may take time to process and dissolve. 

Be gentle with yourself where you can, okay? Rest where you need. You've been through a lot. 

[Captain24]

I don’t know @AuntGlow. Maybe it’s freeze. I have put myself through a lot and I feel like everything has come crashing down.

Everything is overstimulating right now. I can’t do anything. I had a warhead but now I’m just stuck on the couch. I don’t care to move. I don’t care to feed the dogs. I don’t care to eat. I don’t care to turn the tv on. I don’t care to move the sprinkler. I don’t care to do anything. I’m just stuck. 

Lots of big stuff is coming up. Lots of those feelings of being useless, worthless.. the list goes on big I don’t want to get into trouble. 

Lots of challenging urges too. 

[Ru-bee]

Good on you for getting that warhead @Captain24 what's the next step from here? Sprinkler?

[Captain24]

I’ve been out under the sprinkler @Ru-bee. My feet are itchy as Im allergic to grass! I’m wet and cool. I’m still really agitated though. I feel like I’m trying to help myself but at the same time I feel like I’m failing. 

[Ru-bee]

If you're trying you're not failing @Captain24 I'm proud of you for giving these a go. Is there anything else on the list that feels doable?

[Captain24]

I messaged a friend to say hello @Ru-bee. No response yet but I really don’t want to hear how bad things are for her. 

I have fed the dogs and just got myself some Thai takeaway. I’m going to sit in the lounge and watch some tv. 

I still feel like I have failed but I’m doing my best to keep distracted.