Lived Experience Forum

[florencefifty]

That was a semi-rhetorical question. And a big trigger warning for suicide. Of course.

I'm reading a book at the moment.

I've noticed, though, that the characters are around the age where you start having crushes, and falling in love for the first time.

Most people wouldn't have a problem with it... but it's pretty much the only thing I'm struggling with right now.

The "nudge-nudge, wink-wink" type of [...], the butterflies in your stomach...

All that stuff is fun to giggle about when you're fifteen. It's understandable to be embarrassed or overwhelmed about falling in love for the first time. You're really young, you're trying to find your feet...

But when you're twenty-seven, it's not fun. It's just sad.

I fell in love once... she's had a son since then. He's now talking, and I can't imagine finding someone else.

I can... but I don't want to anymore.

People have often wondered why I don't do more to find someone. It's because it's already too late. No matter what I do, I'll never have a high school sweetheart. I'll never get more than three years of my life back.

If someone asks me out tomorrow, I'll probably say no, but I can't tell anyone why.

The reality is, I don't plan on being alive for long enough for it to really matter. I don't want to be happy anymore.

These last three years have taught me everything I need to know. Not to mention being bullied for nine years in childhood. I don't care what can happen in the future. It's obvious already.

There's just no place for me here. 

It's weird... I'm not in danger. I'm NOT going to take my own life. At my worst, I feel like I don't want to take my own life, but I don't want to do anything else, either.

You can't say that, though. So it's impossible to explain how you're feeling.

I just want to edit this by saying that there are reasons to stay alive. I really appreciate what @Christheart said about not knowing what the future holds, one way or another.

I've always wondered about the impact my suicide would have on people who don't love me. 

It would be really hard to lose a customer to suicide, or a co-worker to suicide.

Even being exposed to suicide as a third or fourth party can bring up really difficult feelings.

One way or another, the world needs you.

[AussieRecharger]

Are you languishing? 

[Oaktree]

Hi @florencefifty 

I feel you. First of all I would say lifeline is a great service if you are in danger. I feel like when I die it will be because I ended my own life. I am not currently suicidal but I spend a lot of time in that place. I am sorry that you are in that place where you have no hope for the future. Maybe you should take a risk if someone asks you out and just say yes. You never know you may find happiness. All the best xxx

Meggle

[Christheart]

@florencefifty 

I get you. Every morning when I get to work several people greet me with 'Hey! How are you!' And my reflex thought is 'I'd like to die, please' but obviously, can't say that. So I force a smile and respond with a 'good'. 

If I did end my life, my dad would completely fall apart, so would my dad. That's the main thing thay keeps me alive. I am also 27, and when SI creeps up on me, which is daily, I remind myself that I literally do not know what the future holds for me. I may yet get better, I can't say for absolute sure that I won't. So if I can say with 100% surety that I do not know what my future holds, I can't say 'I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life... I want to end my life' because I don't actually know for sure that I will be like this for the rest of my life. Because anything can happen. 

Anyway... that's my weapon against SI tonight... 

[TideisTurning]

Hi @florencefifty, the pain in your words is clear to me, and I'm so sorry to hear things are feeling really hard right now. I'm so glad you reached out here. Suicide is an important thing to talk about. It sounds like you've been through a lot- I can understand where thoughts of suicide may arise with all that. Thank you for letting us know you're not feeling like you're at immediate risk right now. If that changes or you start to become concerned for your safety, I really want to encourage you to reach out to somewhere like Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467) or 000 in an emergency.   

I can totally understand being sick of trying something when it feels like nothing has come of my trying up until that point. Something that sometimes helps me in these kinds of situations is taking a bit of a break. Sometimes, I'll come back and give whatever it is another go, and other times, I don't. Be gentle and kind with yourself, take care and know there are many sitting here with you, myself included ❤️ 

[Lou2u]

Hey I have chronic dysthymia and really relate to the tones and content of your experience and unfold the following only in relation to my own experiences 

I really did use to indulge in the darkness and a dark heavy all consuming dance which ultimately lead to lengthy episodes of isolation un-wellness and feeling so alone and trapped from behind my eyes frozen in my own self created dark place of dysregulation hopelessness and despair

After surviving falling into a number of sinkholes that took me to some really bad places and thoughtless behaviours devoid of consequence I made a decision that I want to be here and got curious enough to hang around 

For me If I experience SI I own it and say it how it is for me it might start with 

Im scared to be alone and need some support

I dont feel safe can you hold this space with me 

I need some support to get through the next few moments 

Along side this I hunt for the good stuff savor a moment, get myself going step at a time and force some social connectedness for me it works

Through the voices that I find in various Peer Support groups I almost always hear ways of surviving staying well or finding templates to connect 

The experience strength and hope keep me curious keep me going it might be the warmth of sunshine watching a butterfly feeling the wind ...................... Something that keeps me curious Something that keeps me going when i'm filled with lead heavy like concrete has been poured over me somehow someway my will my hope my curiosity my decision to keep going gets me going and I jump off the ledge into an action to start the day for me the starts the hardest part 

Perhaps you might make your own start in your own special way? my invitation is to stay curious theres enough for all here if your willing enough to hunt and hold what might be useful for you Please hang in there it does pass 🙂

[chibam]

@florencefifty 

I blurted it out recently, point-blank in a moment of outrage, and in the moment there was stunned shock (which, in itself is pretty unbelievable). But by the next morning, it was as if I'd never said anything at all.

I've spent most of my life wrestling with that question about how to have a civilized, rational conversation about suicide with others. And what I've come to strongly suspect is that the question is moot, because the majority of the world has decided that they don't want to hear anything about suicide. You can't "crack the code" of how to phrase it properly for others, because all the others have adamantly decided that they will never allow the subject to provoke anything other then kneejerk outrage or opposition from them.

I've gotten in to many conversations about suicide with random people online and, aside from places like this, which are geared towards thoughtful and considderate discussions of such nature, virtually all of them decide you are a lunatic at the mere suggestion that suicide might have justification, denounce you as such and immediately bail out of the conversation as "there's no sense trying to reason with a crazy person". I always speak in civilized and considdered language; my point of view is based upon decades of thorough deliberation. But nothing ever gets through, because the rest of the world is determined not to listen.

[TideisTurning]

I hear you @chibam. Suicide can be an extremely difficult thing to talk about, and a big part of that is the attitudes and responses some may have, which can be incredibly invalidating and discouraging. I am really glad to hear you've found a space here where you feel more able to discuss it openly and honestly. In my experience, as you've said yourself, there is always a reason thoughts of suicide might arise and it is an incredibly important thing to talk about and conversation to have. ❤️ 

[chibam]

@TideisTurningThe thing is, if we can't talk openly about why life is best ended as soon as possible, how can we ever expect things to get fixed? I just don't get how supposedly rational people can be so opposed to acknowledging the real problem, hence I can only suspect that the people who immediately condemn honest, thoughtful explainations of the legitimacy of suicide must be irrational.

It reminds me a lot of that episode of South Park where Father Max became appalled with the massive revelations of child abuse within the catholic church, so he decided to attend a priests' conferance, to address and hopefully put a stop to the problem. So he gets to the conferance and he gives a speech expressing his absolute disgust with the number of priests abusing children. The gathered priests immediately echo his disgust; but they completely miss the point of Father Max's message. He was disgusted that priests had been abusing children; everybody else there was disgusted that the children were blabbing about their ordeals to the media. So what began as one man asking the question: "How do we stop the abuse of kids by priests?" was quickly hijacked by the group into a discussion about: "How do we stop abused kids talking about their abuse?"

I see a lot of parrallels with the suicide conversation. Suicidal people step up and want to talk about solutions to their broken lives; but the masses only want the suicide conversation to be about: "How do we get suicidal people to tow the line we lay out for them, and stop making fusses about the nightmares we want to confine them to?"

You know who really impresses me? Dolly Everett's parents. When she died, the media and the government went in to a frenzy, asking over and over again: "How do we stop suicides?" But I don't ever recall hearing them ask that question. They've only ever seemed to ask: "How do we stop bullying?"

They get it.

The right way forward isn't about confining people to life. It's about fixing life so that people will sincerely want to prolong it. But, as a society, we'll never adequately commit to that if we refuse to acknowledge that, in many common circumstances, prolonging life simply makes no rational sense.

[Historylover]

Some months ago when speaking similarly, another forumite told me about 'alt2su' which just happened to be on soon after, on zoom. I attended and spoke about things unspeakable on any other venue, and I regard it as so necessary. I got it out of my system and, for me, it was a great relief to be able to speak so frankly. I have not been back since, nor have I been seriously 'in that place'. (I know it's not permanent, but the rest is so enjoyable!) I'm plodding on and trying to make the best of things, and at the moment it seems to be working–despite everything else.

Just thought I'd mention it and hope it is more helpful than otherwise. I send my very best wishes to all fellow sufferers and just want to say, that, surely, brighter days are ahead for all of us, even when it doesn't seem so. Cheers.