Lived Experience Forum

[Ellan]

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this because I've reached a point where there is just too much inside me and it feels unbearable to have all these thoughts and feelings. Hopefully there's someone out there who has some insight and can relate.

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and BPD a few years ago, I did DBT therapy for two years, did hospital admissions throughout the last few years when I've been suicidal, but nothing has worked. I've recently started seeing a new therapist who I like and feel very validated by, but he has come to the conclusion that I in fact don't have BPD (maybe I just have BPD characteristics) and that the main root of my poor mental health is CPTSD.

I had a very normal childhood, my parents are loving and supportive of me. The only thing wrong that I feel they have done to me is that they put a lot of pressure on me growing up to do well at school and make a life for myself. When I reached high school things took a bit of a turn for me. I was a gay boy going to an all boys, catholic private school where I was bullied quite a bit and ostracised from my fellow classmates. I was bullied for being gay before I even new that I was gay. I was bullied for where I lived because it wasn't where most other people lived at my school, and I was targeted for how I looked (how skinny and feminine I presented). I guess i didn't have very much resilience to deal or fight back. High school was very unenjoyable for me, I felt incredibly lonely and anxious around my peers, but I focused very hard on my studies and did very well academically. However, these feelings of loneliness and social anxiety didn't end at high school. They have followed me into the rest of my life. I am now 24 and I don't have any friends, I feel very disconnected from everyone around me, I don't have any hobbies, I don't really do anything with my life because most of my existence feels shrouded in a deep depression that sucks all the joy, energy and hope out of me. I can't even keep a job because I inevitably get to anxious being around people or find the depressive episodes too hard to come out of to work. I think the thing that really upsets me the most is that I don't have any friends. There is no life outside of my head, and life feels completely empty both inside me and outside of myself. No community, no sense of self, no people to see and share life with. My mind for the most part is occupied by suicidal thoughts, I seem to obsess over finding a way out of this pain.

With my therapist telling me that I have CPTSD, it has left me very confused. I know that I didn't have a good time in high school and that things were tough for me, but the depths of pain that I am feeling now seem so out of whack with the supposed 'trauma' that I went through. I find it very hard to describe my high school experience as traumatic, because it didn't seem that bad. My life didn't feel like it was in danger, it was very rare that I was physically bullied or hurt. I don't know how my experience warrants such pain.

It seems that bullying in high school is very common amongst gay men, and that there are gay men who had it a lot worse than me. But I look around me and see how they talk about their mental health and trauma and it doesn't seem to have affected them as much as it has affected me. I know that I cannot truely know what someones internal experience is, but I can judge things by measuring objective and definable aspects of life. I can see that a lot of them are still able to form friendships, are able to go out to clubs and bars and put themselves out there, they may have anxious thoughts, but they are able to at least push past those thoughts and not let it stop them from living their life. I, on the other hand, cannot go to the supermarket and interact with the cashier without feeling incredibly anxious and overcome with depression and self hate afterwards. I can't make friends with anyone because the thoughts I have are too loud and I believe them so deeply.

None of this adds up to me, I don't know why it seems like I am suffering so much more than people who have been through objectively worse things. Why am I so trapped and unable to escape this? It has been 6 years since I finished high school, and I am in the exact same place mentally as when I left. After trying therapist after therapist, different kinds of therapy, hospital admissions, I feel like I am only getting sicker and losing more and more hope. I don't know how much energy I have left and its even worse that I can't even say to myself 'this pain and my experience makes sense. I have a right to feel this pain.' Instead i just feel like a fraud, I feel innately wrong and like the problem is me.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ellan I’m not gay and I too had a relatively normal upbringing but my illness caused me to experience the dark side of humanity… I’m still trying though, my meds cause me to forget but I’m still trying, revisioning my past to focus on the future knowing I can. Don’t give up man… life is unfair but it’s not that bad at the end of the day… I experienced bullying from people I just met but I don’t care cause it helped me grow as I felt like an outsider in the community and still do but work helps me keep grounded. I have a gay friend and he seems to be doing well, more so than myself, he recently took a trip to Europe… I hope you don’t find yourself alone or in the minority in these forums cause it helped me heal… and I’m sure you’ll find some friends soon maybe just watch some videos on YouTube, it has everything keep on keeping on

[Brendan7]

Hi mate,

 I am struggling as well. I appreciate that you have the courage to detail your experiences. It is good to know someone else feels the way I do.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Ellan ,

I remember seeing you around a few years ago. Good to see you back!

Yeah, BPD can be a tough gig. From experience, I think BPD results from years of trying different ways to cope with pain. These behaviours end up being harmful and are then labeled ‘BPD traits’.

Whether you have BPD or not, it’s the underlying pain that needs to be ‘tackled’. 

For me, I didn’t understand my BPD diagnosis because I never had trauma in my life - or so I thought. Upon working closely with my psychologist, we found the root of the issues to be from CPTSD. This took years for me to accept because the upbringing I thought was ‘normal’, was in fact, far from normal.

It was then that I could name and work with the root of the issue.

Its taken years. I didn’t see an improvement until my early 30s. But the wait has been worth it. It made sure I was ready to make changes - and far out! It was hard work!

I myself wasn’t ready any earlier (I don’t believe). But that’s my story. Your journey will look different to mine.

Bottom line. BPD recovery doesn’t just ‘come’. It doesn’t just get handed to you. The person them self must put in the work.

All the best @Ellan . I hear you and I want to see you through your journey.

Its worth it,

BPDSurvivor 

[Ellan]

Thank you @BPDSurvivor @Former-Member @Brendan7  for your replies, they mean a lot.

@Brendan7 I'm sorry to hear you are struggling also, I don't wish this pain on anyone. I would love to hear more of your story if you are open to sharing.

@BPDSurvivor Thanks for checking in, your journey is very inspiring. Not sure if this is the place for it, but if you are open to sharing more about your story I would really appreciate that. Maybe things were a lot more traumatic then I give credit for, I don't know. I seem to be the person that invalidates myself the most unfortunately. It is hard to sometimes know what is fact and what is just emotion, if that makes sense. It adds to so much confusion about things, I wish it was much clearer. Would love to hear about your experiences with recovery from trauma and how you went about understanding your past and how it shaped your diagnosis.

[Christheart]

@Ellan 

I'm so sorry dear. It is so hard to feel isolated and lonely because of your mental state. Living with mental illness seems to equate to taking each day as it comes, or even each hour as it comes, sometimes I'm just trying to navigate my way through the next minute. It's also exhausting to have depressive rumination in your mind constantly. It's a battle to try to stop them, and interrupt them with something not depressing or suicidal. 

I experience these things too... You are not alone dear... These forums are a good safe place to feel not so alone. 

Atm my dog and my parents are my main social outlets... Which might seem sad, but I have to remember that I am so blessed to have them. I also have a roof over my head, because I live with my Mum... Some people suffering mental illness are homeless... I can't imagine not being able to self soothe with a hot shower and my warm blankets... 

There are so many things I should be grateful for... I try to remember these things. 

I also try to remind myself it's ok to be shy and awkward... Cause that's where most of my anxiety comes from, social awkwardness and social anxiety... It can be isolating, but its a part of me and I have to accept myself the way I am, and remind myself that I'm ok this way. 

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers ok ❤

You are beautiful and precious. Don't give up ❤

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Ellan ,

It took me a long time to accept I was acting the way I was because of CPTSD. 

It didn’t make sense. I had a good family. My parents never even so much as argued, I did well at school,  was provided with all my materials needs… to me, I had everything.

Things changed in my late teens. I turned to hate school. Hardly attended the last half year of school. Couldn’t focus. Wanted to get away from life….from here I spiralled down. It got from bad to worse. I had withdrawn from the world and disconnected from society because I preferred to feel numb than to feel emotional pain. SH increased more and more. I was admitted numerous times and it was then that I was diagnosed with BPD.

In a way, I felt relief that there was a diagnosis to explain my behaviour, but I didn’t understand what it meant. I researched but all I found was how “severe” it was and all the symptoms. No one could tell me how to move towards recovery.

During my many hospitalisations, I was told to find a psychologist, have group therapy, undertake mindfulness…blah blah blah. This went straight over my head. Why? I don’t think I was mature or ready to do anything about my behaviour. Yes, it wasn’t pleasant, but in retrospect, I don’t think I was ready to do anything about it.

Years continued. I hid my pain from my family. I moved out of home because I didn’t want them to know anything. I pretty much disconnected from them for 10 years. Not because I hated them or was angry, but because I didn’t want to let on that I was not okay.

Fast forward. The more I disconnected from life, family, friends and society, the more I couldn’t stand myself. I ended up getting as far away from familiarity as possible by moving states. In my mind, I thought a fresh start would be great. Well it was great - for about 6 months. Then things turned from bad to worse.

I was getting desperate for help. I could run from the world but I couldn’t run from myself.

Hospital admission after hospital admission was my new way of life. I was so well known there that even the top unit manager/director had regular one-on-one meetings with me!

The emotional torture was getting worse by the moment. I was living to die. I never knew if I’d be alive the next minute because I was so volatile. I was ‘fine’ one second, and I’d explode the next. When I say explode, I mean a real terror of rage that it even frightened me - I had the capability to tackle anyone during those rages. 

Due to my many hospital admissions, I ended up being case managed by my area mental health team. Now, after all those years, I was finally opening up to receiving help.

Sorry @Ellan , I’ll have to continue my story tomorrow. I’ve had a big day, and I want to make sure I reply to you properly.

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow @Ellan !

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

As promised, Part 2 @Ellan 

Case management didn't help much.

By that time, I was referred to Spectrum, Victoria's Personality Disorder specialist. After the first few assessments, it was suggested I join their short term psychotherapy sessions. I said okay. Then just as things were getting finalised, I had one last assessment, and I was deemed more acute than what was initially thought, and the short term treatment would not be enough. To cut a long story short, I was finally admitted to their MBT (mentalisation-based therapy) clinic for 18 months of treatment. This consisted of weekly 3 hrs sessions - individual and group.

Boy oh boy was this a game-changer. There were people in the group session that I couldn't STAND!!!! And to think I'd have to endure them each week for at least the next 6 months??? It was going to be hell. For a BPDer, when you don't like someone, you walk away before things explode.

Well, therapy-wise, this was actually my ultimate treatment - being put in a group session with people I couldn't stand - fellow borderlines... Of course there were some members I gravitated towards and instantly clicked with.

As time went on, each session was getting harder and harder. Emotions were brewing and things were getting tough. With each group session, I had an individual session with my key clinician. This meant I could debrief which was often very helpful.

Over time, my key clinician connected with my case manager and from then, case management changed. I had 2 psychology sessions a week with my case manager at first (he was a senior clinician). Then this reduced to weekly sessions for the next 3 years.

During my treatment, I was always thinking, "What the hell am i doing here? This is absolutely useless! I'm not getting any better."

But for some reason, I persisted. I think deep down, I knew I had tried so many other treatments in the past and I was at the end of myself. This was the last resort.

Amongst all this was continued SH, suicidal ideation, insomnia, depression, anxiety, isolation, disconnect from the world, and many more hospital admissions. Hence, as an onlooker, all the specialised BPD treatment seemed useless.

Fast forward, about 2.5years later, I was discharged from Spectrum (I was devastated because it meant I lost a network of people I had grown to trust over the span of my treatment). At this point, case management picked up and took me under their wing even more than before.

Now, I was out in the real world. I had to tackle the BPD monsters on my own (without weekly MBT sessions). It was scary and I honestly thought I wouldnt be able to do it.

In actually fact, this is when the real recovery began. I had to stop relying on others, and take up recovery myself. The ball was in MY court. I had to do all the hard work now. All the skills i'd learnt from MBT would now have to be practised in my daily life.

And that's exactly what happened. I went on from strength to strength and today, I couldn't be more satisfied with the life I now live. It doesn't mean I don't have bad days, but I honestly love living and love life so much - including what it hurls at me on a daily basis.

@Ellan , I hope you'll also find a space to love yourself, love life and be satisfied with whatever your lot.

Take care, and speak soon, 

BPDSurvivor