Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bluebottle]

I'm really struggling right now. I've been with my partner for 13 years, most of which he has had depression. We've been through some tough times but nothing like it is now. He broke his arm into 3 pieces 3 months ago and is still months away from recovery, he still can't use cutlery let alone work. Due to this, when I'm a work, he spends all day alone in our apartment with very little he can do to occupy himself - this has caused his depression to plummet. In evenings and weekends when I'm around we try to see friends as much as possible to make up for the alone times. Yesterday however I got a call from a girl friend inviting me out for a drink, just like 2 hours. Ive always tried to put my partner first so I often turn down invites for a things where he's not invited (e.g. work drinks) or I just don't make plans for myself alone - so I've lost friends in the past. lately I've found a couple of girls that I've really connected with and this was the first time they called me to hang out with just them (as opposed to in a group situation) so I was excited and don't wanna discourage so I went out for just a couple of hours... Came back and he was so angry with me and hasn't spoken to me since - all my attempts just get grunts and he doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. I know he's alone most of the week and I should be there for him but I just felt like a little break would be nice... I'm really struggling - he's ignored me like this before but it hasn't normally gone past a day and I'm scared. He locks down so much. He's said in the past that I'm selfish and always abandon him when "good times" come around but sometimes I feel like I need a little break but how can I say that without it coming across sounding like he's a burden or something (which he definitely is not). I love this man with the everything I have and it hurts so much when he ignores me and doesn't want to look at me. Any help would be appreciated - I've never posted on anything like this before but I'm just so lost.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Bluebottle

So sorry to read of your struggle with your husband who is depressed at the moment. I have experienced first hand when depressed that if housebound and bored the depression will deepen. It is hurtful when our loved ones take this out on us but please don't take it too personally as it's the depression talking - not him. Your husband does need help. Does he see a psychologist/counsellor or psychiatrist regularly that can help guide him through this? It is vital that he does more productive things during the day as otherwise the dark depressive thoughts will take over his mind. Is there anyone who can help get him out or anyway of encouraging him to keep his mind engaged in something whilst you are at work? This is most important.

There are real life support groups for those who struggle with depression whom do have meetings during the day which could help your partner cope with his depression such as GROW Australia and/or a men's shed in your area. This will also help take some of the load off you. Do you have family who can assist?

I can read at the moment things are tense in the household as your husband is wrongly perceiving that you abandoned him in his time of need. Depression tells those it afflicts that they are worthless, unworthy and no one cares, when alone too much these thoughts will magnify. This depression can turn inwards into anger as well. It's a cry for help from your partner. Perhaps try reassuring your husband of how much you love him and will do all you can to support him - that you are not abandoning him when having time out with friends as he is your priority. Explain that you just need time to unwind and relax with friends occasionally so you can be stronger for him. Perhaps let him know that whilst you are out he can ring you if he needs to if feeling insecure. But mostly just keep reassuring him of your love. If he gets volatile it's best to walk away and let him settle.

If you are at all concerned about your husband's welfare please do not hesitate to ring the mental health crisis line in your state. There are also others here who support partners with mental health issues who may assist you @Former-Member@Determined@Shaz51. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bluebottle
My husband has had MI for many years now, initially anxiety, then depression and then a number of different diagnoses, the primary one at present being bipolar ii (mania not so much, but lots of low depression). At present he is house bound too - he is booked for hip surgery soon and is not able to drive and not coping well.

Pain can cause a lot of negative things or worsen preexisting conditions. Being housebound can add to this. Are you in the Eastern states? There are supports available through Wellways and other such mental health support groups that have people who will come and visit and take patients out for a time.

You do need to take care of yourself and time out is not unreasonable and is often necessary, something we carers often neglect there are number of posts relating to self care @Former-Member might be able to give you the links to these.

I am happy to answer any questions,


Darcy

[Bluebottle]

Thanks for the kind advice @Former-Member and @Former-Member. He still isn't speaking to me, past the two day mark now which is a new record. I sent him a text earlier to say that I was worried about him, that it hurt he didn't want to speak to me but that I was trying to understand and that I loved him. No response but I hope it did something...
He doesn't see anyone at the moment or is on any medication. He hasn't been able to work for over a year now so our debt is getting pretty high so he doesn't want to spend it on counselling. I don't think he's also found the right fit with a psychologist here either - we're originally from NZ.
I just wish he'd speak to me... I feel like he's really angry with me for something more than just leaving him alone on Saturday - just so hard to figure out what to do

[Former-Member]

@Bluebottle

Are you Aust citizens? If so you can get a mental health plan from a GP which would give you 10 Medicare rebateable psychologist visits (some bulk bill). The mental health support service such as Wellways are free.

Carers Australia offer a number of free counseling services for carers too and some community services (esp rural) also offer free counseling.

Darcy

[Acacia]

Hello and welcome to the Forums @Bluebottle

It sounds like you're an amazing support to your husband. As @Former-Member mentioned, looking after you is also really important. Here are a couple of links to Forum discussions about self care:

Self care alphabet

Nice perspective on self care

You can also type "self care" into the "search the Forums" box above to find more conversations. You can click "sort by date" on the right to find newer posts.

I'm glad you were able to take some time out with your new friends - sorry that things have been difficult with your partner since. A supportive text can mean a lot, even if you don't get a reply.

How are things going today?

[Acacia]

@Bluebottle there's also a great SANE blog on self care which you can find here:

13 ways to support yourself and someone you love through a mental health crisis

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bluebottle - how are you going? Is your partner now communicating with you?

[Mandy1]

Hi @Bluebottle
Thinking of you tonight - I have been with my partner for 20 years and she has been depressed for the majority of those years as well as anxious and recently bipolar II with depression the major issue ... I understand the isolation and the stress of being a working carer and worrying about your loved one . I have had a particularly rough year and without going into all the details can say for sure one thing I learned the hard way is that we are not alone and although it can be really really hard to find the right supports for yourself and your loved one it is soooo worth it. Even a small win is worth the effort ... after 18yrs I’d therapy with a psychiatrist for my partner I expressed my dissatisfaction with her quality of life and level of depression and lack of involvement in life in general - in my exasperation I demanded in my partners psychiatrist office that there must be something more we can do to improve her life. Then the psych told us about day programs available for people with depression anxiety etc .. to teach them coping skills and provide them positive interaction . I was furious we hadn’t beeen made aware of these over the last 18 yrs grrrrr ... and now she has been attending one for a few months every Friday - and will continue - she has found it very positive educational and makes her not feel like she’s the only one battling depression. It also takes pressure off me. I have also found a psychologist for myself to help me negotiate being a working carer - the Medicare gp health plan makes it much more affordable ... please reach out and find some support for you both - it’s too hard alone - this forum is always here too for advice and a kind shoulder to lean on - the contributors here know their stuff and I really hope you can find some answers - sending you good thoughts x

[Former-Member]

How are you going @Bluebottle