Lived Experience Forum

[raccoongirlboy]

Hi guys- a bit long thank you for taking the time to read this if you do. 

I have executive dysfunction and I find it takes all my willpower to do basic household chores like cleaning and such and sometimes it's good but at the moment I'm completely alone. I lived with people but it didn't go well. I recently started drinking again after 2 months of sobriety. Forgive me for how melted my brain is going to come across I feel so stupid.

I find it hard to keep friends. I am quite cold and to the point at the core of my heart and people see that as a very bad, antisocial and damaging thing. I personally don't and think it can be helpful and when I am allowed to be myself I feel relief. But it is rare that I can be myself without consequences around me. It hurts people to tell them the truth without phrasing it in a methodical way. Sometimes I think I am autistic/ ADHD and people often do a specific face at me when I say these things. I joke a lot and am actually very very funny. 

I live in an apartment by myself with my cat and I love it here but I am very lonely. I would like a romantic partner but I haven't engaged as I am quite selfish and really just want someone to fall in love with me without putting in the work as I am currently very tired. 

 My parents were abusive to me growing up and now they don't live in the city anymore. Sort of feels like my life is one big drive by. I am by myself without family around me, even though they're still alive. My friends don't check in with me regularly and I became so reliant upon my truest friend to date that I ruined our relationship. I also would have sporadic outbursts of anger and violence which was a terrible thing for him to experience and is a source of great shame and regret for me. My past has made me afraid to connect with people. 

I want to reset my life. I want to live with family and come home to the smell of cooking. I want to hear doors closing in other rooms and books sliding from shelves and the clink of glasses on counters and I want to hear petty arguments between family members and sit through awkward dinners until someone lightens the mood, probably me, with a joke. I want my flaws to be like flaws in songs and not feel like my potential is accumulating towards some sort of public ridicule or true crime episode. I want to have a baby and walk around a town and come home and do that sigh thing that middle aged people do. 

I am 24 and feel like I will never feel what it's like to have a beautiful family. I am in an abusive industry (music) where corporate greed wins and manipulation is the language of business. I do not own the rights to my birth name and subsequently spend most days feeling inhuman.

I want things to be true and I want to maintain a clean home. 

My apartment is getting there but it is currently piled with garbage and clothes and furniture I need to get rid of. 

I want so badly to be a welcome part of a community but I talk too much and am too self-centred for people to want me around for long periods due to the intense nature of my personality. It drains them. I drain people and I am afraid no one will ever love me again after all the terrible things I have done to others. To change my life I need money and to work harder and I am just so so tired.

[tyme]

Good Evening @raccoongirlboy ,

I value you for honesty in reaching out and sharing your vulnerabilities. I'm sure there are many others who have felt the same as you.

Whatever it is, you are welcome in our forums family here. I hope others will be able to respond to you in a way where you feel connected and less alone.

Looking forward to hearing how things go,

tyme

[raccoongirlboy]

thank you for your response. I am trying to stay still as I know in times of anguish it is most important to do nothing. Tomorrow I will clean my apartment and start there. I'm sure later this week things will be a little better.

[tyme]

That's the spirit @raccoongirlboy .

It's so incredible to hear what you've just said.

I'd also encourage you to break down the cleaning of your apartment into smaller bite-sized pieces. For example, tomorrow I'll work on throwing out rubbish and picking up my clothes.

In doing so, the task will feel less daunting. Once you've completed one task, then set yourself the next.

I find writing them down helps clear my brain. And, I thrive on being able to cross of tasks once I do them! 

All the best, 

tyme

[Oaktree]

Hi @raccoongirlboy 

I hear you on your difficulty in cleaning. I have a 3 bedroom house but I feel anxious around cleaning. As a result I do it very little. My husband does a lot to help, he does the dishes and the laundry. My 3 kids have pretty much all moved out. I have one that only lives here like 3 days per week. My youngest just went overseas to study so when she is done with that she will come home for a time. I am sorry to hear that you started drinking again. That will only make things more difficult but I guess the loneliness can push you in that direction. I wish you luck in your cleaning efforts. Try not to do too much at once because that will just lead to burn out. I like @tyme‘s suggestion of making lists and ticking off completed tasks. That will make you feel a sense of satisfaction. Good luck on making small changes and reaching your end goal. Don’t worry you are still young and it is still possible to achieve the family life that you desire. My husband was 30 before we met. We have been married 29 years now. Life is just starting for you. I am sorry that you are without family and friends at the moment. It is possible to make changes in your life and attract friends to it. 

Meggle

[TheWhiteLily]

Hi

I loved your paragraph starting "I want to reset my life". It was so poetic. I like writing poetry. I like my imagination more than reality. We probably all do. You are so young to be having these problems and it doesn't seem fair. I am guessing you may be sensitive like me. It is a blessing and a curse. I hope you keep having the strength to get through your days.