Functioning with ADHD

[creative_writer]

Too body flashbacky to follow my set diet, I know I’m self-sabotaging and not being honest. I can’t control body flashbacks but I can control food. I can’t find any other ways to get that sense of control over my body. I feel disgusting, dirty and shameful even though I’ve showered. Having SH and SI thoughts, but safe. The thoughts are so loud. I guess all I can do is keep trying to take care of myself, probably not doing a good job

[Ru-bee]

Hey @creative_writer I'm hearing how difficult everything is feeling right now.

I've just been having a bit of a catch up on your thread but couldn't see if you ended up speaking about your thoughts around eating with your psych on Monday? How'd that session go?

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee I did, my psych will be doing an ED assessment next session to see if I’m eligible for ED plan. ED plan includes more psych Medicare rebated sessions than the general mental health plan and also includes dietician.

It’s super hard, like I’m eating better, but I’m not being 100% honest, but I’m too scared. Hyper fixating on food and body image is driving me insane. It’s kind of like OCD in a way, which I probably also have. I know
I need to be physically healthy to be psychologically healthy. Like I know logically, but can’t reconcile my brain. I know my physical health can be affecting my mood instability. I just can’t get the mood stability and anxiety under control, it makes me want to disappear and think of things to do, but I can’t get myself to do it. The furthest I’ve gotten is self harm (nothing ever too serious). I know it’s not the safest way because it can get out of control by accident.

At the moment it’s just a waiting game. I see my pdoc in almost two weeks, will also need to discuss the ED assessment because he will need to be part of it. Feel kinda stupid for bringing it up rn, he already asked me about it a long time ago and I said I had no issues (which probably wasn’t even true)

[creative_writer]

Why is it so hard? Is it because my current supports are inadequate? I don’t want to need a therapy session more than once a month. I know my psych has considered upping to fortnight if I meet criteria for the ED plan. I don’t know why it’s taking forever to heal, I’ve been at this for so long. I don’t want to need support for eternity. Maybe it’s my hyper independence coming in. I do hope one day I can wake up and not dread the day. I don’t want to reach out for a sooner appointment with a support, I’m happy waiting because I don’t want to be too much. It’s not like my next appointment is too far, next one is in almost two weeks with pdoc

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @creative_writer .

I have a question out of curiosity. What do you find helpful from the forums?

[creative_writer]

@tyme being able to connect to others can be helpful and talk through ways to self soothe. Sometimes I’m not sure what I need, I feel like I keep going in loops, I’m not seeing any improvements lately and I’m frustrated

[tyme]

I wonder what will break the cycle and loop of thoughts @creative_writer . Something's gotta budge... right?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I’ve gone from SI and SH here and there to regular urges, something has definitely shifted. I will also need to be more mindful of sleep with spring coming up. It can trigger manic symptoms, those manic symptoms can happen simultaneously with depression. I’ve certainly had some sleep disturbances lately, I need to keep it under control now, the days will start getting even longer.

I’ve been trying to figure out my mood state rn, maybe mixed? Not sure. ADHD also cause some baseline agitation, but this isn’t baseline agitation, this is something more. What I do know is I’m thinking too much about everything. I’m trying to figure out how to get out, I’m just not sure. Can’t latch onto PRN this time around (though it worked in the past). I do try to challenge thoughts, but some things are still too hard to believe at this point in time. I’ve included diet and exercise-though that probably going to take a while to show (especially with poor relationship with food). There is obviously self care too. What am I missing?

[tyme]

I don't know what you are missing @creative_writer . I really don't. I can see you are already doing so much in terms of self-care. 

Do you spend a lot of time at home alone? Do you think this can be a reason? I know you do other things like volunteer and stuff, but we don't read much about your life other than your thoughts. 

Of course that's okay, but it makes me question whether you spend a lot of time alone.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I spend a lot of time at home, my medical stuff can make it hard to get out much. I can go for short periods, long periods tire me out. I’m trying to work on my health, it’s going to be a process. I wasn’t getting adequate nutrition for so long.

I do have my family but can’t discuss my mental health with them much, it can feel lonely, but it’s just how it is for me. I don’t have many people in my life, I have always been a loner, it’s just how I’ve been. I do volunteer shifts for small bouts at a time, I do it from home but there is a lot of support if I need it. There is a lot of support when volunteering on helplines.

I wish I knew how to get the mental health side under control, but my mind is way too fast. The combination of mania and depression is awful, it can send me into crisis mode, I’m on the edge and not sure what to do. In the past I had PRN to help take the edge off in moments like this, but this time I need to make do. My psych suggested a stay to get meds right. My private health insurance won’t cover a private stay right now. I would need to increase the cover. It’s too much to explain to family. I’m super stuck