Functioning with ADHD

[creative_writer]

@Jynx feeling numb and dissociation will often leave someone feeling like they are losing themselves. I am prone to disassociation since I was a child, so that probably makes me more vulnerable to medication side effects. No agitation has come up for me so far, might be able to skip it tonight. I am able to cope with SI because I have no energy. I probably don’t want to make myself overly sleepy and tired, I am already sick, must have caught another pesky bug.

A lot of us with childhood trauma feel like we have grown up faster than we wanted. I think sometimes we need to comfort that child who never got support. It is true, we all have a child within us. Doing those child like activities can be so soothing. I would love to go on a swing again. We used to have swings in our backyard when I was a kid. The birds used to shit on them all the time, but birds will be birds. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been on a swing. I feel like there is something about being in nature. I also grew up in a time where playing imaginary games was the norm. I miss those imaginary games days. Babies are so glued to phones now

[Jynx]

@creative_writer maybe you could give yourself a small challenge to go out and find a swing in your neighbourhood? Like, over the next week or so lol I don't mean you have to launch yourself out into yonder suburbia right this second! 🤣

I had soooo many imaginary worlds going on. If you ever wanna do some writing games or anything, that could be fun? We used to play one where a group of us would try to tell a story one word at a time! 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I don’t think it would be wise to launch myself at this moment, gotta wait for the germies to reduce their party load. My throat feels awful. Maybe once I feel better.

I was an imaginative child. It’s sad how kids don’t get that exposure anymore. I would go on my parents’ bed with stuffed toys and pretend I was going somewhere with my brother. Maybe we were going to fairyland? I feel like imaginative games are good for the soul. Once I went to a restaurant as an adult (but it was a very long time ago) and I started using a toothpick to create a smiley face from the leftover sauce. I will say that I was a dreamy quirky child. I found myself often being stuck in my thoughts instead of spending time with my peers, maybe it was a coping mechanism. There are some bad memories of school, but I never really saw those memories as a big deal. I have this memory, I was alone during one of the breaks, feeling nothing. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about, but I wasn’t there.

I guess there has been family stuff during my childhood, but I never considered my parents to be abusive. I have found them a tad controlling at times as a means of overprotection, I felt like my individuation process was attacked at times. I’ve also had moments where I felt stuck in the middle of family drama, you know the moment you feel pressurised to take a parent’s side. I had to support my mum with in law drama. Obviously, heightened arguments were also hard, hard to see a mum so deregulation. I am saying I could hear her talking about wishing to die. Maybe it is a trauma response, but sometimes I feel so hyperviligant, I get startled easily and then I try to make sure everyone is okay. I literally got a panic attack in the shower when the neighbours were making a lot of noise (I think they were watching something like the footy) because I thought it was my family. Like there is this constant worry, maybe it sounds extreme, but I can’t help it

[Jynx]

Funny how some memories that seem so indistinct can stay with us for ages hey @creative_writer. 

You know, a lot of what you're describing sounds like what I'd call little t traumas. Big T traumas are significant events that push us into extremes of emotional states... but little t traumas are still painful and they have a cumulative effect. It doesn't surprise me you developed a super rich inner world and a dissociation habit. That's how our brains protected us from the distress of having to deal with stuff our tiny kid brains had no idea how to handle. I used to ride around on my scooter, in circles, for hours, just dissociating and playing in my inner world - cos I had no other way of dealing with the distress. Hypervigilance is pretty common for folks with C-PTSD hey. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I have always looked at my cptsd as a combination of big (SA) and little traumas during childhood and adulthood. A lot us develop our inner world to cope. If you look in fiction, Anne of Green Gables took refuge in her imagination. She most likely has cptsd.

I feel like the disassociation side of things did make it hard to form relationships in formative years. I have found myself freezing in social situations a number of times. I would be there but not there at the same time. My psych has been understanding and has encouraged me to pursue activities where I can find people with common interests. It’s a lot more helpful than being told to just socialise because it is good for you. Superficial friendships don’t fill me either, I can’t change that. A common interest helps, even if I don’t open up to them about my life

[Jynx]

@creative_writer oh true! Don't think I've read that one. But yeah it's nice to be a daydreamer, not so nice to need it because life itself can't keep one tethered. 

Yeah it's legit so hard to find decent opportunities to meet people hey. I'm not surprised the notion of 'just be more social' feels like an unachievable task. Have you got any activities in mind you wanna look into?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx daydreaming can be a coping mechanism. Anne is pretty daydreamy, probably undiagnosed ND. I haven’t read the book, only watched part of the Netflix version.

I think some people find it hard to understand that social interactions are different for ND. And no, being alone and feeling alone around people doesn’t inflict the same amount of pain, the later is more painful. I’ve mostly started with creative writing. I did find a ND group, but haven’t been to many of the events, only went to the zoom book club event once. There was another Muslim event happening last week but I was too tired to go. It’s been hard to go to events lately

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah hard to find energy hey, especially considering how unwell you've been feeling! 

I agree about the latter being worse. Unmasking is such a tricky one hey - we need to find that place where it's safe to be completely and unapologetically ourselves, but to find it it means opening up, which risks our vulnerable self being rejected or ridiculed if it turns out to be an ill-fitting or unsafe social situation. In my experience it does get easier the more you do it though. 

And one thing at a time yeah? Maybe other events will be more approachable once the book club has become part of your routine! Starting something new like that can be super destabilising for us NDs hey. I hope it bears you much fruit tho! 

I'm off hun, have a spiffy one and mayhap catch you tomorrow 😊💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I just went to my GP who did a swab, a lot is still going around. I also got more information back from the nutritionist, just been taking it in. Why is health so expensive? I already knew I had a leaky gut, a previous dietician already mentioned that.

It is hard unmasking. The rejection sensitive dysphoria is so real.

I was recalling something recently but haven’t told my psych, I am not sure if I ever will. Talking about family stuff can feel too personal. I can’t say much here because it may be too triggering.

I hope you are doing okay today 💖

[Jynx]

@creative_writer the cynic in me wants to just answer with 'capitalism' but I don't think it's time for that particular rant right now. I'm sorry that you had to waste time n money to be told the same thing hey. 

Hmm... I guess if it is swirling around your mind, you could always share and like, just use more general terms and focus more on the feelings than the events? Of course, if you are feeling a lil fragile and like opening up might feel too overwhelming or anything, totally legit.