Functioning with ADHD

[creative_writer]

@tyme being a female has its challenges. So many hormonal factors.

I’m usually pretty regular with my cycle. Cycles don’t usually last 39 days. My period was super late last month, I am monitoring it this month.

I sounds like your inner angry kitty-ness tries to break free at times. I can relate to that

[tyme]

The strangest one for me is not so much the cattiness or or crying for 'nothing', but the nesting behaviours! The cleaning! I go around and stay up cleaning cleaning cleaning, and I wonder why? Then I realise... I find it pretty amazing and... strange lol @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t cry a lot, I go into my own shell and internalise every single little thing. The things I tell myself are awful. I wish I would do something productive like clean, but I get super fatigued.

The new meds have settled me, but I feel like they’ve made me feeling more spacey and unmotivated. It’s not what I want. I’ll probably need to take more tonight to keep things controlled. I still feel super hopeless, not sure how to get to the point of having a life I feel satisfied with

[AuntGlow]

Hi @creative_writer, 

I just wanted to check-in and let you know that I am here. 

I can hear things are really hard right now and that you're navigating medications and how they sit with you. I understand what it's like to feel disheartened and confused in this process... you're doing so well, honestly. 

I think we need to strip things back to being so simple, like: "What is the most accessible/easy thing I can do for myself right now?"

Does anything come to mind? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow the new meds have been good at settling anxiety, but it hasn’t been so good for depression. I don’t know how to feel less depressed. Self care is great, but not sure how to fix depression med side effect. I’ve managed a shower, tried prayers, breathing, watching TV. Still pretty depressed

[AuntGlow]

Meds can be tricky like that, hey? I have had that experience too... what supports have you been able to talk about this with? Just wanting to get a better pictute of where you're at. @creative_writer 

You're doing so much already, so please be gentle with yourself. 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I think it can make some people depressed as it does slow people down. It’s tricky, I want to manage anxiety but I don’t want to feel deeply depressed, foggy, drowsy (even after sleeping) and blunted. I’m on a pretty low dose already. I haven’t been able to talk to any supports regarding the depressive side effects, I’ve only started taking them recently. From how things seem, I doubt I’m going to take it for longer than a few days. Anti-anxiety meds aren’t meant for long term use.

I’m currently on the fence right now. Maybe I should take more tonight, my thoughts are dark (safe rn). Being agitated is awful but feeling low is also awful. I might have dark thoughts either way. Agitation might be worse for the thoughts. I guess all I can do is manage the depression to the best of my ability

[creative_writer]

My thoughts are starting to race again 🥺. I guess I’ll need to take the meds despite the depressive and dissociative side effects. Not sure if I can escape from SI. I also hate feeling like nothing, the meds causes me to fall into despair, hence SI. Agitation obviously doesn’t help with SI either. At least it’ll be easier to resist SI when less agitated. I’m just frustrated, why can’t the meds help both depression and anxiety levels. Either I pick higher anxiety levels, or higher depressive levels. Like why does it have to be so hard?

[AuntGlow]

Yes, and that is perfectly valid. @creative_writer 

There are so many pros and cons with medications, and I think exploring anything new is really brave. I would really recommend sharing this with your psych/GP so they know how it's impacting you. Would you be open to reaching out and seeing when you can speak with them next?

Gosh, that is so, so tough. Whilst you are deciding, what will help you to feel even more safe? Is there anyone you can reach out to for more support tonight?

Know that our community are here and will always listen to you, okay? 

I am leaving now, but I will check-in with you on Monday. You've got this, lovely!! 

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I hate how staying safe has become difficult. Surely staying safe shouldn’t be this hard. It’s frustrating when meds let you down. The meds make help me keep myself safe because it makes me too slow and depressed to function. I can try to reach out to one of my supports and talk to them about the side effects. The side effects have become more pronounced over the course of today.

I know there are helplines, but after my not so good interaction, I’ve sort of been avoiding it. I know it’s still an option and they’re there to support me. I reached out to 1800 respect to talk about trauma, only to be told to lean into self care and contact Lifeline to manage suicide thoughts. Like I’m not allowed to talk about the trauma thoughts that pop up in my head. I’ve been trying to make sense of things, but it is hard. I don’t have my psych appointment until 2.5 weeks, sometimes I do really need someone to talk to in between. I couldn’t talk to my pdoc, we ran out of time, the appointment was focused on my heightened emotions and safety stuff like SI, SH and substance use.

I’ll see you on Monday. I hope you have a restful weekend 💖