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Falling Apart

I'm new to this and don't know where to start.

I'm 22. I live with my parents and younger brother.

My mother has had depression for as long as I can remember, it's never talked about.

My father has always been absent, he doesn't do emotions, he doesn't seem to care. He's here but he's not the type of person I can go to if Ii've even broken a bone. (legit it happened)

My brother is 17, he dropped out of school recently due to risk of explusion. He likes to pick on me, calls me names, tells me I'm worthless. It's like he knows every single sore spot and he just keeps hitting me there verbally. He hasn't hit me, it's all words, but it bloody hurts! [He has been diagnosed with ADHD inattentive as a child, which our mother disaggreed with, but never took him to another specialist for a second opinion. Recently he's been diagnosed with depression. My mother uses that as an excuse for his bad manners and negative outbursts towards me. He does what he wants. Gets what he wants]

 

I've been suffering with depression and anxiety since early 2011, if not earlier. I saught help in 2015. I'm currently seeing health professionals and have tried several different medications on quite high doses and I've had 2 different meds where I've had another med augmented with it, yet nothing seems to help at all. My psychiatrist has only just learnt some of the above about my home life and wants me to move out, same as my psychologist, however with an upcoming foot surgery which is needed and will see me out of any action for quite some time they agree it's best for me to stay for now. 

Yet with every day I'm feeling more fragile. Everytime I come into contact with these people I feel everything all over again.

My brother likes to tell me how unnecessary the foot surgery is. He tells me I never broke it in the first place. (in late 2015 I had a bad injury where I shattered the mid foot, broke the base of the tibia, and I broke the other ankle. So I was in a cast and a boot for 6-8 weeks and in hospital. During that time I was suicidal. I threatened hospital staff so many times I'd attempt)

 

I'm struggling to find any work after my injury and the fact I had an employer who fired me 2 weeks after I opened up about my mental health, and one week after I had a workerscomp claim. They said it wasn't related. I feel like it was. It was a toxic work environment. It broke me that they fired me on the spot with no prior warning on the 1st of June 2017 as my 3 month trial had come to an end. I was initially part time with them, but I was talked into going full time after a month, so at 1.5 months I went full time of 40 hours a week!

 

I'm so lost in life right now. I feel like a failure. I hate myself and I hate where I am. I don't know what to do anymore.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Falling Apart

Hello @FragileMe

I often feel fragile, but I believe we all have strengths even if they are hidden sometimes.

It sounds like a tough home life, and its best you have been able to open up and tell your mental health team.  At least you have time to plan for moving out, do some research about practical things etc.

The forum can be good for ideas and tips in coping and for actual support. The other side is known as the Lived Experience and you are free to post on both sides or just chat on different threads.

There are many different opinions about speaking about mental health issues in the workplace.  I feel it should be appropriate, but each workplace can be an organism in itself.  Sorry you had a bad experience.

Mt best approach with brother is .. the teflon ... let nothing stick ....

Good Luck with your upcoming surgery.

My family were often in denial about physical issues. Its hard when people turn off to that extent.

Learn about self care

Go gently

Apple

 

Re: Falling Apart

Hi @FragileMe,

Welcome to the forums 🌻

I can hear how truly exhausted you're feeling about everything. It's so difficult to live in a space that feels so stressful. It's great to hear you've connected with a psych for some support to manage everything that's happening for you at home. It's so important you have a space to feel heard and understood. I do hope that connecting with peers on the forums is useful for you too.

I thought I'd drop by to link you in to our Lived Experience forum as @Appleblossom mentioned. Oh and if you're interested, you can introduce yourself 

to our community here and here too. Look forward to seeing you around the forums 🐼

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