Hi sorry I have been away I was in hospital but it was not helpful at all and kind of made things a lot worse which I guess isn’t unexpected considering my previous experiences with that hospital.
Everything is too much I can’t even sit in my living room without feeling overwhelmed. I am still struggling to communicate I am trying I am but no one understands what I mean and then they think they do but they don’t and I feel like I am not speaking English to people anymore because they always say something weird or maybe I am not saying the words I think I am and something different is coming out. Either way people are still not understanding. I am trying so hard but I feel like any minute I am about to snap. I want to scream but I can’t I want to cry but I can’t I keep shaking cause I am scared all the time and I still can’t sleep and everything looks weird and feels weird and I am trying and no one is understanding me and I keep trying to “get help” before I can’t because I know soon I won’t be able to I can feel it coming again but worse than the last time and no one is understanding I feel trapped in my own body like I am screaming in there and no one can see or hear because outside I am sitting quietly and that is all they see. I am trying I just wanted 3 things only 3 and they aren’t big things only one is a little big but not something impossible just 3 things and I am trying so freaking hard to cling on in case I can still have them but I know deep down I won’t get them I know deep down I am fighting for nothing fighting just so that I can lose I know this and yet I am still clinging but I don’t know if I can’t let go because I don’t know how or because it is the only thing keeping me in this world keeping me attached to anything. 1 day isn’t a long time for most people but 5 minutes is long for me 5 minutes is me pacing unable to sit, 5 minutes is me wincing because they keep hurting me, 5 minutes is me biting my nails until the bleed and not even realizing until it hurts. I can’t keep waiting and I can’t keep standing where I am. Nothing I am doing is working so I can’t fix this myself but no one will help and no one understands.
But then what can I expect when this was all just a big trick a joke from the start I was never meant to be ok and they knew that do I go where they want and give up or are they having too much fun playing I am trying I try and make everyone else happy but I can’t and I try and I can’t even explain it here nothing I am so tired I am so freaking tired but not the kind of tired sleep or rest can fix.
I am just so stressed and anxious and everything is too much all the time. I am hearing things a lot and I am struggling to do even basic tasks this will sound super gross but I haven’t been able to clean my room in like 5 months I was meant to be studying to keep up with stuff and I haven’t done any of that even typing is getting difficult I keep muddling up the letters like if I was dyslexic except I am not and never was unless you can develop it randomly I keep running out of clean clothes because I can’t keep up with my washing, I can only manage to brush my teeth once a day, I feel like a horrible person because I am supposed to be doing more for my pets and honestly if it weren’t for my mother helping I would have had to give them up because I am not able to look after them properly which I hate and makes me feel so horrible because I love them so much and they deserve so so so much more and I feel like I am running their lives. But I pretty much can’t even look after myself and everyone on the outside seems to think I am fine because I look “ok” I seem like these things aren’t so hard and it isn’t a motivation or depression thing it is like I can’t organize my head around doing even small things. These things I type here take me so long everything takes me so so long. I feel like my mind is melting and I keep pacing and stopping in the middle of things and I am just struggling so so much and no one sees it even my parents don’t see the full extent no one does cause I hide it cause I am embarrassed and don’t have the energy to explain it to people. Plus I am scared they will realize and stop me from being able to do independent things altogether.
I feel like my worlds are melting together and I am so scared all the time because I genuinely don’t think anyone here is human and I also think everyone is trying to hurt me and that I am being watched constantly and that a group of deities is trying to make me do things so they can sacrifice me and eat my soul and I am so tired and everything looks wrong the walls move the ground moves, peoples faces change, even the shadow people look weird, everything is crumbling and I am trying so hard to keep looking normal but I nearly curled up in a ball and screamed in the Woolworths yesterday and it is even getting hard to keep up with a short conversation. I honestly don’t know what to do, the hospital won’t listen, the crisis team won’t listen, I can’t seem to make my psychiatrist understand even if he is trying it is too slow, my psychologist is still new and I am not sure if I can tell them and if they will understand because they already haven’t understood a few things and I am trying but I am not able to stop this and I don’t know how to fix this.
I am really sorry this this is so long. I guess I am not expecting anyone to know how to fix anything I just feel really lost and emotionally exhausted and I don’t even know what to do.
