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Something’s not right

Carlo
Senior Contributor

Can she really not remember?

Hi all

 

It's been a while.

 

My partner has BPD (or similar), but does not want to see a counsellor (not willing to see a marriage counsellor with me either).

 

In the hope of coping with the situation and the constant uncertainty/abuse, I have persisted with counsellors on my own.

 

In recent months, things have been relatively stable.  (Although small incidents can quickly trigger a viscous outburst and rage).  I constantly live on the edge.

 

One thing that I recently picked up is that my partner seems to have forgotten (or blocked out) what happened.  For example, last Easter we organised a family trip away and she wanted to leave once we got there.  The drive was hours of silence followed by a barrage of abuse once we got there.  To cope, I went for long walks to give her space and allow her to spend time with the family without the stress on me being in the room.  Following the trip, she left our home and did not speak to me for some weeks.

 

This year she wanted to organise the same trip away!

 

I diplomatically suggested an alternative or possible lunch at a neutral (no history) place.  She kept pushing that we should "do the same holiday as last year".

 

Finally, I said "do you remember what happened last year?  I'd rather not do that again."  Her response was 'what happened?'

 

Is this normal for a BPD person?  Am I missing something?  Is this just a coping mechanism?

 

I live in fear that she might explode again. 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Can she really not remember?

That sounds like a really challenging situation to try to navigate @Carlo, though I'm also hearing you've sought support for yourself from counsellors and creating space for little breaks, which is great. I want to encourage you to keep reaching out for further support if needed. There's Beyond Blue, Carer Gateway and you may also like to check out the Australian BPD Foundation website here. For now, I'm going to tag a few others who may have more experiences and insight to share @BlueBay @Judi9877  @Determined 

Re: Can she really not remember?

@Carlo  🥺

Sounds like you could be talking about me and my darling.

In 22 years we have not had a single holiday without major dysfunction.

All darling has is happy memories of our time away.

 

Not sure about what advise I can give except the importance of self care.

And boundaries. Boundaries made a significant difference for  our family.

I resisted Boundaries for a long time because it seemed wrong making 'rules' for my wife. Until a counsellor pointed out they were more loving guidelines that provided an environment of security. 

 

I have learned that a lot of what I used to and in many ways still do actually enables my darling not helps her 🥺

 

 

Re: Can she really not remember?

@Carlo  first couple of pages of this thread may help. Gets off track to inital intent after a couple pages when the wheels fell of ourbfamily wagon.

 

https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/Supporting-my-wife-who-lives-with-Borderline-Perso...

Re: Can she really not remember?

Thank you @TideisTurning

Re: Can she really not remember?

Thank you @Determined I am endeavouring to focus on self-care and occasional breaks. It is sometimes difficult as she stresses if I'm not there

Re: Can she really not remember?

Hi @Carlo 

sorry to read your story. I have BPD and I personally haven’t had this with me. 

but I was just thinking - I wonder if this is a coping mechanism for her. Her way of coping snd not having to deal with it. Just shut it down. 

what @Determined  mentioned about boundaries is a good idea. Although as a BPD person I hate boundaries. But when I think rationally I understand why there needs to be boundaries. 
Also good point on self care. Even though it must be so difficult for you you need time out as well. Your health is important too. 

 

Re: Can she really not remember?

Hi @Carlo ,

 

I'm sorry to hear how up and down things are for you at the moment. It sounds like what you are experiencing is quite typical for a person with BPD.

 

Part of the 'forgetting' is that probably a survival mechanism develop over time. When things are so heated and difficult, a borderline may 'disconnect' with reality in order to protect themselves from feeling the emotional pain. Hence you may find your partner 'forget' such incidents. 

 

It is certainly a tough ride for both you and your partner. I absolutely re-iterate the need to set clear boundaries. It would be good to set them in consultation with your partner. As much as this is hurting you, it is also hurting your partner. Their hypersensitiveness to emotional pain is only so real that most prefer physical pain than have to deal with emotional pain.

 

You are not alone. I've lived through the intensity of BPD, and I've come out of the thick of it. You and your partner can as well. 

 

The hope is strong.

 

Hold tight,

tyme

Re: Can she really not remember?

How are things going for you and your dear one @Carlo ?

 

I thought I'd pop by to say hello.

 

tyme

Re: Can she really not remember?

Confused, but OK @tyme
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