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aname123
New Contributor

BPD mother strategies

Hi all,

 

Newbie here. I am looking for help to cope with my mother who has - according to my own previous psych - undiagnosed BPD. I am in my early 30s, and currently pregnant - this is making it harder to maintain boundaries and manage having her in my life.

 

Every conversation over email or phone is a pretty exhausting exercise in boundaries and trying to maintain autonomy while being very neutral and not 'fueling the fire'. I am very tired of the one-way nature of the relationship and her total lack of self awareness that there's anything wrong at all. We have not had a positive relationship since I was a child - constant ups and downs, mostly downs. 

 

She is constantly critical and nitpicks about my choices (house/lifestyle/money/health - nothing is off limits) and feels very entitled to my life, even though she shows zero interest in learning about me as a person/my work/my friendships or relationship. She has already started asking 'how is my baby' reffering to my pregnancy and getting upset that we don't 'chat like we used to' - even though we've never had a 'friendly' mother/daughter relationship. The careful boundaries that my partner and I have in place feel more important than ever, and I know I will not put up with her interfering with my child. Her communication is immature, rude and downright offensive sometimes - she reserves the right to treat me however she likes, but if I ever reply with anything other than gentle reassurance, all hell breaks loose.

 

I am very aware that the only thing keeping my mother in my life right now is my grandmother, who I care about a lot. She has never been able to cope with conflict, and so cutting my mother out would be too much for her to bear in her mid 80s.

 

Any strategies for coping while I have to, and/or for when the day finally comes that I say enough is enough?

 

Thanks in advance.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: BPD mother strategies

Hey there @aname123

Welcome to the forums firstly, I hope you find it a really supportive place Smiley HappyYou mentioned you and your partner have had really careful boundaries, has the pregnancy changed this?

 

I hope the community can offer you some ideas around coping for now, and for if you do decide to stop contact with your mum.

 

For me I know the feelings that come up when my boundaries are being compromised are anger, helpessness, and more, and it's extremely uncomfortable so I just want to get away from it. If you're sitting with it for a while do you have any strategies for getting a break?

 

Also feel free to introduce yourself with three random facts here and put an @ in front of a member's name if you want them to get a notification of your post Cat Happy

Re: BPD mother strategies

hi @aname123 and welcome

it sounds like a really exhausting time for you having to manage all that you are.
how are you since your first post here?

can I ask if you have any supports for yourself? it might not seem overly important however when your trying to help someone manage their own mental health and its proving to be very challenging its also very important to take care of yourself so having your gp to talk to or a psychologist could also prove to be quite helpful for yourself as well
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