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Something’s not right

parkBear
Casual Contributor

Authenticity

there are too many buttons to push in this life. killing yourself is harder than we are lead to believe. everything is a lie. 42 years is too long

13 REPLIES 13
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Authenticity

Hi @parkBear I'm so glad you've posted here. I've been in that horrible dark space where things seem seem hopeless and just awful. But those feelings do pass and things can get better. If you are feeling like you are in danger please phone lifeline or the suicide call back line or go onto their online chat. They can be so helpful. And keep posting and reading here if you can. So many people here know and understand what its like to go through really hard times and you'll find lots of support here,

Stay safe, you really do matter,

LJ

Re: Authenticity

Hi @parkBear, welcome to the Forums.  It's a brave and real first post.  I'm glad that Lisajane has flagged the Helplines as it's important to reach out for support when you hit such a low point.  You can lose perspective, forget that there are options and that you haven't always felt this way.  And that you won't always feel this way. Everything is in constant flux - moving in one direction or another - including our emotional state.  Right now it might be going in a negative direction but at some point it will switch.

I wonder what has help create the switch in the past?

It's good that you're here as we have other Forum members that find themselves in this same place at times and the support from the community can be one of the factors that helps them keep going.

You've given your post such an interesting title.  I'd love to know what that word means to you.

 

Here are some of those numbers in case you'd like to access some support today.

Lifeline

13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service

1300 659 467

Samaritans

13 52 47

 

Re: Authenticity

Authenticity is a great goal.

I have accepted that it and truth are a little slippery and hard to hold in one's hands, but dont give up on it completely. Striving towards fullfillment and and authentic life is the best I hope for. 

welcome and regards Apple

Re: Authenticity

Hello Suzanne, thankyou and everyone for responding

 

re: authenticity I guess I use the word in a philosophical and spiritual sense. As a goal, just as Appleblossom does, to strive to lead an authentic life. It can be paralysing at times to have such a goal, because I am unable to act or engage without some element of authenticity. eg. not being able to engage in 'small talk' with people. And because it is a fairly vague concept, along with my own alexithymic tendencies, it is easier most of the time to just completely shut down. 

 

"I wonder what has help create the switch in the past?"

 

I have been dealing with my dysthymia and generalised anxiety disorder for over 20 years, and have had a lot of therapy and meds in that time. In periods when it has been 'less dark' it is hard to pinpoint what the 'switch' was; and of course it is never one thing, or a sudden change, it was a gradual process. I can identify some of the things I was doing during that period that probably supported my healthier outlook; meditation, engaging with nature, being involved with activism.

But at the moment, with my current darker perspective all that seems pointless. This time around I am also dealing with physical issues; of my own making, excessive drinking, chain smoking, that have added weight to the depression and anxiety.

 

anyway thanks for replying

 

Re: Authenticity

Hi @parkBear

I am currently going through a bit of a crisis of authenticity myself, after two careers down the tubes I am trying something completely unlike myself. However, I also know that you don't need to do anything major to be more authentic. Being authentic can be mindfully feeling your own footsteps when taking a walk, instead of worrying about the state of things.
One thing I miss about working in mental health is being part of an activism network. I find that having a blog that people have slowly started to read has helped fill that void. Is there anything like that you can try out? I find being part of groups like this really helps, too.

Re: Authenticity

@parkBear - I hear you. I used to think this too, and still do, some days. I wonder what authentic actually means. Some days I think that depressiona nd feeling hopeless in the face of all that is worng with the world is very authentic - the inauthentic is being all upbeat and happy about a load of sh*t.

Authenticity and living the authentic life came easier to me once I had really looked at, understood and embraced my values.

Words like authentic, values etc are just words until embued with our own life in them. I gave up on my ;self' many times, attmpted suicide several times - and am still here, and knowing my self cost a lot, but int he end it is what keeps me keeping on, there is a good person in here, I am not my Mental Illness, I am so many things - poet, partner, daughter, advocate, activist, graphic designer, dog-mother... friend. And I live my values out in each one of those pursuits.

So I wonder if it could be helpful to look at the things (thoughts, ideologies, long held and cherished beliefs) that make you tick - who you are. And run a rule over them, are you "true to yourself", because int he end that is authenticity and all we can be, we can (and should and must) adjust ourselves to look and sound more 'normal' and try to fit in to some degree to give outselves the best chances, but if you are anything like me, I just find most folk are not on the wavelength*.


Do you see a councellor of any kind? Perhaps they could help you unpack your life's values and find all the ways you are and are not living them and ways to align to them better?


(Re wavelength... there is a huge exception i have found at that is in these forums - I think maybe when people have struggled hard and hard won a life they appreciate effort and understand what hard really is).


Re: Authenticity

sorry, maybe giving my first post the title 'Authenticity' was a bit bit misleading. It was just something that was buzzing around the noggin in my 6am haze; when I was feeling desperate and detached. And maybe I was thinking that the act of posting was a rare authentic gesture for me. As Appleblossomsaid, authenticity can be a slippery sucker, and in my better moments I have come to accept it as a journey, as a practice, rather than an absolute.

I do have a fairly good sense of self, of my values. In my better times I have been able to practice them through activism, music, poetry and through friendship. But presently I am struggling with will; the will to do anything at all. I haven't written a song in many a year, dropped out of what little activism I was involved with, including some online stuff Bambam and have avoided friends as best I can, for quite a while. You could say that I have made a conscious choice to detach, to mirror my emotional detachment

 

Moongal: it has been a few years since I have seen a councellor. I moved states over 2 years ago, saw a GP not long after I arrived here, and got a referral to a psych. but only had one session about 18months ago. I missed our 2nd appointment, and never made a follow up. At the moment, leaving the house to see anyone is beyond me. I am struggling to even see a GP to get another script for meds. But as I said earlier I have seen many a councellor, psych, group therapy in my time. Some of it did little to nothing, but some of it such as some mindfulness training I did a few year back was very helpful as it was congruent with my Taoist, Buddhist leanings. I feel like I have been give all the tools I need to get through this but at moment, as I said earlier it is a matter of will for me. I'm not sure if I want to get through this.

Anyway thanks for replying and letting me ramble

Re: Authenticity

You made plenty of sense to me @parkBear both in your early morning haze and reflective 2nd post.  The world needs more people like you. Find away .. even it is scaling down a bit, which we all do eventually.  Dont pike on us Pleez.

Re: Authenticity

Hey @parkBear, oh I am so glad you are so clear about your values and know yourSelf so well. I am sorry you are struggling with the will and questioning whether you want to go through 'this'. That you are here and have started talking about it is a good thing. I know because of the anonymity of this forum we cannot disclose information that would potentially identify us, and in a way that makes it hard to strike up alternative conversations about values-based interests. I too have been an activist, am a poet and artist - I couldn't though write a song - what an amazing skill. it is very complex skill making words/music work well together. A lot of the psyche work I have been through was also worthless, just a lot of never ending 'telling' that never got me resolved, clear or helped. I am sorry so much of your experience with counselling has been the same. I hope you will stick around the forums. and on earth for a while longer while you sort out where your will is at. All the best.
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